I am in a daze, I feel like I do not have a plan and at a complete loss. I wanted to start the year with great hope and optimism but that feeling has been short lived.

The beginning of the year is now a sad reminder that I have to go through all the same things I went through last year all over again. Dates to remind us of the one year mark of my David’s death, his funeral, his birthday, our anniversary, and our birthdays without him.

I know there is a notion that the first year is the most difficult. I also believe in reality that subsequent next years could be just as difficult. I spent the first year in survival mode. A mode that is probably not sustainable for subsequent years and frankly unrealistic. I indulged the girls and myself trying to mask the grief when possible.

I am not ready to change whatever helps keep us functioning but I do not know what is sustainable long term. I have no idea how I would get through 2015. How can I summon the energy to go through all the pain and emotions of losing David all over again, everyday? It is a very overwhelming thought and I try to keep my sanity by telling myself to “take things one day at a time”.

This month may also be especially difficult and depressing because it is the month that marks one year since my dear husband died. The thought of this makes me feel depleted and defeated. How could I have gone a year without David. How am I suppose to go every single year without you?