Wake me up in three years

29 Sunday Jan 2017

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In my despair and grief stricken, not knowing how I could move forward with so much darkness and unbearable pain, I wished I could just fast forward to three years after David’s death.

Well here I am three years later. Did it go by fast or was it slow? Frankly, I am not sure.  I am still confronted with how did this happen? How have I lived three years without David?  How is it that my younger daughter has now spent more of her life without her Dad? How is it that my older daughter schooling has been void of David attending any of her school events? The reality is that time did not make this better.

Does time help? It helps establish a new norm. A norm I have to accept, a norm my children question. The questions from my youngest daughter are now most difficult to answer. While she cried about missing her Dad’s death in the past, now she questions it throughly. Why did he have to die? Why did he get sick? What caused the sickness? Why couldn’t the Doctor fix him? Does everyone get sick and die?  Isn’t death for very old people? Why don’t I have a Dad? The pain my older daughter feels also gets quite intense, she wants one more day, just one more day, one more hug and kiss.

Over the three years, there have been lot of challenges and there have also been lots of smiles and laughter. I find even the happiest moment, I cry. Tears of joy for what we have accomplished but also tears of sadness of what we are missing.

I woke up this morning remembering the first time I had sushi, it was with David. The idea of eating raw meat was repulsive to me and I questioned why David eats Sushi. He eventually persuaded me to at least try it once. I remembered when I finally tasted it there was nothing remarkable about the taste but there was a huge satisfaction knowing I tried it. Over the years I developed a taste for sushi and it is something I now enjoy.

As I reflected on the sushi experience, I am reminded of how much David opened my mind to things.  He always encourage me to keep an open mind as he often said “Never say never”. I am thankful for this valuable lesson since there are many things that would have seemed impossible to me to navigate over the last three years but I knew I had to do it.

Last year, I opened my mind about a career opportunity and as a result we moved from the  US to Europe. It was the right decision but it was also a tough one since I knew I had to finally decide what to do with David’s things. For the next 6 months leading to the move, with lots of tears, smiles from memories, and determination, it did it and sorted his things in three groups (storage, donation, or move). His home office was the hardest one, so many memories in there, plus it was the best retreat for David and his daughters after work hours.

Three years later, David we continue to build on your legacy. You are too great a man and a father not to be missed forever.  Your memories are ever present and even your baby talks about you like she remembers so much, this makes me so happy.

Your untimely death will always bring me sadness, this is indisputable. I also promise to not use your death as a reason to short change life for me and your daughters.

Rest well my dearest David. I love you so much!

Twenty years ago…

13 Wednesday Jul 2016

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Twenty years ago today, is a day I can never forget. A day that shaped the last 20 years of my life. A day that I will forever be grateful for. It was the day I met my dearest David at a roller skating rink, a man I think of every day. A man that I will always love and man who loved me without limits.

I remember the smile on his face as he approached me to skate. I remember his persistence, I remember how two hours flew by, I remember David waiting at the exit and handing me his pager number . I still have the paper he wrote his number on.

I remembered resisting the urge to “page” him and finally caving in and paging him the next day (he claims it was three days later), I remember the endless conversations, I remembered how we used to celebrate our anniversaries monthly, I remembered that perfect summer in 2006, it was like a dream. Love came so easy and I felt very lucky but somehow we also both felt like it was not going to last…our worlds after all were so different. Love conquered all our trepidations and I am so glad we made it work. Twenty years later I reflect on that love and also our daughters that brought even greater love to our lives.

I look at the last 20 years with very sincere gratitude knowing that I have been blessed with such great love. Grief remains very present in our lives. We miss David dearly and having him in our hearts just isn’t enough. In fact, sometimes that just seems like ridiculous jargon we say to console ourselves. Time does not make grief normal, it just becomes something that we have dealt with longer and sadly more familiar with.

Our road to victory continues, I remain determined to ensure that grief does not prevent me and my daughters from attaining our full potential. I am blessed because of that perfect summer day on Jul 13, 1996 when I met my David. My love for you is constant because true love never dies.

 

Two years later……

29 Friday Jan 2016

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Our hearts still aches….in some ways it seems like yesterday, the memories of your death so fresh and painful. In other ways the wound is no longer as raw and we are able to genuinely smile and find happiness.

David, thank you for showing us what true love is….your legacy lives on. Your daughters are a constant reminder of what you lived for, your smile, your energy, and your charisma, and a life full of love and optimism.

Two years later, I thank God for his amazing grace because I look back and I know it was not by my strength that we made it this far. Our road to victory still continues.

Fall foliage

13 Friday Nov 2015

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This fall I have been able to appreciate the beauty of nature as I admire the leaves changing color. Driving to work one morning, I was fully mesmerized by the beauty of the fall foliage. It was a sunny day with beautiful blue skies and the colors of the leaves were impressive.

Driving home that evening I continued to enjoy the foliage and realized that I have no recollection of the fall foliage last year. I wondered if it was just not as nice, then I realized that I was in such a dark place which would have prevented me from appreciating the beauty. Immediately, I remembered the words of encouragement that a friend told me soon after David died. She assured me that although everything is so dark now that one day I will notice that the sky is blue again and also the blooming flowers.

I am thankful that I can see the beauty of nature again. I am thankful that while grief is everlasting, this fall it did not overpower me by preventing me from enjoying the beauty in life.

A happy birthday?

05 Sunday Jul 2015

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As David’s birthday was approaching I realized that I had handled to it differently from some notable dates this year such as our anniversary and Father’s Day that I simply tried to ignore. I believed that would be unfair to our children and his legacy.

I reminded my daughters a few days before that Daddy’s birthday was approaching and they took it relatively ok. I remained unsure of what to do on the day. My older daughter suggested that perhaps we go to dinner.

On his birthday, I decided to make cupcakes considering that David enjoyed cake and frosting. When I mentioned to my younger daughter that we are making cake for Daddy’s birthday, excitedly she said “is my Daddy coming for his birthday”? I had to disappoint her with the sad reminder that he cannot.

We recovered quickly and both girls were in such great spirit. Unlike last year, they joyful sang happy birthday to their Dad. I felt glad about the mood as we remembered David on his birthday.

Hard to believe it is the second birthday without David, that hurts badly.

Father’s Day Blues

20 Saturday Jun 2015

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Since my Dad died, Father’s Day has been a challenging day for years. In fact, the year he died, Father’s day was the same day as his birthday. No doubt, Father’s day was even harder last year. To cope, I tried to treat it as just a regular day. This year is no different but in addition, I will be proactively staying away from social media and I have deleted some app.

The last couple of weeks have been especially hard for my younger daughter.  The permanence of David’s absence seems to becoming more painful to bear and she cries almost nightly asking for her Daddy before falling asleep.

A few nights ago, she asked if her Daddy is coming back home yet. Sadly, I reminded her that he cannot come back home because he is dead and he will only live on in our heart. She thought about my response and said, she had an idea. She said that we can go to the airplane and get him to come back. Heartbroken, I again explained to her that he cannot come back home because he is dead. She responded saying “I am so angry” and she growled and clenched her fist.  That was the first time she expressed anger about the absence of her Dad.

We have had similar conversations almost nightly over the last couple of weeks. Two day earlier she came to me and eagerly she said, “Mommy, can I ask you for something”? She had the excited look of a child that wanted a bowl of marshmallows or some other delightful snack. Her cuteness was irresistible and I knew I was going to give her whatever she asked for. Then, she asked if she can have her Daddy back. My heartbroke as I said I wish I could but that is something that Mommy cannot do.

I know they have been spending time at school working on Father’s Day craft. On Thursday was so happy to show me her Father’s Day project. It was a frame she decorated that included a picture of her and David. She said, “this is for you and for my Daddy”. She has carried the picture around the house happily since then and she insist on sleeping with the picture next to her.

As she is getting older she is becoming more aware of the loss and trying to cope with the grief. I also wonder if the activities at school for Father’s Day (which I agreed she can participate in) contributes to the pain she is feeling lately.

On Friday, my older daughter came home with her Father’s Day project which melted my heart. Last year, she opted out of doing anything but this year she did a project and dedicated it to my younger brother. A person David was so fond off and considered him his brother.  Below is a picture of my daughter with my brother.

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Releasing the anger

09 Tuesday Jun 2015

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Grief brings so much anger. Anger with myself, the world, the doctors, cancer. Angry that while my world was disrupted, the rest of the world in general moves on. Also in some moments of great despair, I wanted to find something about David that would anger me with hopes that it would provide temporary relief but there was nothing.

I also realized that I was angry at some people. Mostly, people that I thought were close friends or family, that just simply disappeared from my life following David’s death. I actually did not fully realize I was angry at them until the beginning of this year when one of them called me and reluctantly I picked up the call and I was very unpleasant.

Until then, I thought I simply viewed their action/lack of as a poor reflection of their character and I knew I was fine with moving on with my life without them. I did not realize that I had also built up a toxic anger.

The realization of my anger was a defining moment. I had to release myself of this anger. The anger from grief is more than enough to bear. To do this, I needed to realized that most, if not all of this individuals did not even know that I felt hurt by their silence. I reminded myself of the fact that some people simply do not know how to approach someone that is bereaved.

Ironically and randomly, this year, I have had a chance to talk to these people. The conversation proved that they were not heartless people without a soul as my anger led me to think. They avoided me because they did not know what to say and not because they thought it would be hurtful. Understandably, my relationship with some of these people may never be the same but it reinforced why I should try to assume positive intent – at least for the sake of my sanity when possible.

Happy Day

13 Wednesday May 2015

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Today would have been our wedding anniversary. I reflect on our wedding day and I remember the feeling of bliss and content. It was truly one of happiest day of my life. I always thought it was so corny when people said that and there I was smiling, dancing, laughing, and wishing the evening was even longer.

Everything was perfect (although I remembered walking into the ballroom and noticed the floral arrangement was not as large as they were suppose to be, but it did not really matter). The day started off with rainy, however, the moment I got in the car to go to the church, the sun came out and it was a beautiful sunny day.

I fondly remember when it was time for our first dance, David and I looked at each other and we had both forgotten the dance we had practiced. He said, don’t worry, just follow my lead and with the biggest smile, he led me with his improv edition. It was a great day and I could not have anticipated that we would not be growing old together.

In remembrance of the day, I opted to do nothing special since I thought this would only make it more painful. However, I could not resist the urge to look at pictures from our wedding and I stop as soon as I started feeling sad.

I am grateful for the happiest David brought to my life.

Mother’s Day Flowers

10 Sunday May 2015

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They make me happy

David enjoyed buying flowers for me and our daughters. He would send them randomly for no reason and he would also get them for every special occasions – even occasions he made up.

I was so used to getting flowers that at some point I asked him to cut back particularly on deliveries to work. I told him that it was not worth the cost and he could just pick up flowers from the store. He teased me for having a genetic defect for saying no to flowers. In hind sight, I have to wonder what was wrong with me – I now miss getting those flowers.

Luckily, his daughters are well trained in shopping for flowers with David. A few days before Mother’s Day, my older daughter started getting sad as she was thinking about Mother’s Day and asked who would take her to buy my gift and flowers. I insisted that I did not need any gift and she said she still needed to get flowers for me. I offered to take her to the store and she said it would no longer be a surprise. So, I volunteered my Sister to take her shopping.

The day before Mother’s Day, we were in a store that had several roses and a few of them caught my attention so I asked them to pick the one they thought I would like for Mother’s Day. They were both happy with the chance to get me the flowers and I was equally happy with the selection.

I do not know much about flowers but I always appreciated its allure. It was probably one of the items I debated the most when I was getting married (in addition to getting chiavari chairs or not). Also, when I talk about my dream job, I often say I want to be a florist.

Below is a picture from a plant that blooms pink flowers at our house every year on Mother’s day weekend. I have come to appreciate it a lot. I brought it to the attention of my daughters’ last week assuring them that it would bloom in time for Mother’s day and it did. I consider the plant as a long lasting gift from David.

Happy Mother’s Day!

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Will your husband be joining you?

29 Wednesday Apr 2015

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Will your husband be joining you? This is question or related questions were asked more often than I anticipated while we were on vacation.

In preparation for vacation, I knew it would be a normal question and it was one I was not ready to continue to answer. To avoid it, the day before leaving for vacation, I decided to take of my wedding and engagement ring and replaced it with my practice ring.

The practice ring is a ring David gave me about a year before we got engaged and I wore it on the wedding finger. We called it the practice ring because I once told David that having an engagement ring would be a big adjustment since I am not used to wearing a ring on that finger. To address this he got me the practice ring. It is a ring that is very dear to me since it was indicative of our first step to getting married.

I thought the absence of wedding ring and engagement ring would help preempt the assumption that I was traveling with my husband.  If it did, it was to a small extent. In hindsight, I remembered the first time I wore my practice ring to work and a co-worker asked with excitement if I was engaged.

My older daughter’s response to the question was what I found most amusing and impressive. When someone asked her “where is your Dad”? Casually, she said, “we left him at home”. I asked her why she said that and she said she did not like sharing her private information with people she doesn’t know.

In the midst of our sadness we try to find happiness and comparing the pictures from this vacation to pictures last year, I believe I have a more sincere smile.