Tag Archives: grief

Father’s Day Blues

20 Saturday Jun 2015

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, ,

Since my Dad died, Father’s Day has been a challenging day for years. In fact, the year he died, Father’s day was the same day as his birthday. No doubt, Father’s day was even harder last year. To cope, I tried to treat it as just a regular day. This year is no different but in addition, I will be proactively staying away from social media and I have deleted some app.

The last couple of weeks have been especially hard for my younger daughter.  The permanence of David’s absence seems to becoming more painful to bear and she cries almost nightly asking for her Daddy before falling asleep.

A few nights ago, she asked if her Daddy is coming back home yet. Sadly, I reminded her that he cannot come back home because he is dead and he will only live on in our heart. She thought about my response and said, she had an idea. She said that we can go to the airplane and get him to come back. Heartbroken, I again explained to her that he cannot come back home because he is dead. She responded saying “I am so angry” and she growled and clenched her fist.  That was the first time she expressed anger about the absence of her Dad.

We have had similar conversations almost nightly over the last couple of weeks. Two day earlier she came to me and eagerly she said, “Mommy, can I ask you for something”? She had the excited look of a child that wanted a bowl of marshmallows or some other delightful snack. Her cuteness was irresistible and I knew I was going to give her whatever she asked for. Then, she asked if she can have her Daddy back. My heartbroke as I said I wish I could but that is something that Mommy cannot do.

I know they have been spending time at school working on Father’s Day craft. On Thursday was so happy to show me her Father’s Day project. It was a frame she decorated that included a picture of her and David. She said, “this is for you and for my Daddy”. She has carried the picture around the house happily since then and she insist on sleeping with the picture next to her.

As she is getting older she is becoming more aware of the loss and trying to cope with the grief. I also wonder if the activities at school for Father’s Day (which I agreed she can participate in) contributes to the pain she is feeling lately.

On Friday, my older daughter came home with her Father’s Day project which melted my heart. Last year, she opted out of doing anything but this year she did a project and dedicated it to my younger brother. A person David was so fond off and considered him his brother.  Below is a picture of my daughter with my brother.

IMG_106

Releasing the anger

09 Tuesday Jun 2015

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

,

IMG_105

Grief brings so much anger. Anger with myself, the world, the doctors, cancer. Angry that while my world was disrupted, the rest of the world in general moves on. Also in some moments of great despair, I wanted to find something about David that would anger me with hopes that it would provide temporary relief but there was nothing.

I also realized that I was angry at some people. Mostly, people that I thought were close friends or family, that just simply disappeared from my life following David’s death. I actually did not fully realize I was angry at them until the beginning of this year when one of them called me and reluctantly I picked up the call and I was very unpleasant.

Until then, I thought I simply viewed their action/lack of as a poor reflection of their character and I knew I was fine with moving on with my life without them. I did not realize that I had also built up a toxic anger.

The realization of my anger was a defining moment. I had to release myself of this anger. The anger from grief is more than enough to bear. To do this, I needed to realized that most, if not all of this individuals did not even know that I felt hurt by their silence. I reminded myself of the fact that some people simply do not know how to approach someone that is bereaved.

Ironically and randomly, this year, I have had a chance to talk to these people. The conversation proved that they were not heartless people without a soul as my anger led me to think. They avoided me because they did not know what to say and not because they thought it would be hurtful. Understandably, my relationship with some of these people may never be the same but it reinforced why I should try to assume positive intent – at least for the sake of my sanity when possible.

The first year without….

15 Thursday Jan 2015

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

,

I am in a daze, I feel like I do not have a plan and at a complete loss. I wanted to start the year with great hope and optimism but that feeling has been short lived.

The beginning of the year is now a sad reminder that I have to go through all the same things I went through last year all over again. Dates to remind us of the one year mark of my David’s death, his funeral, his birthday, our anniversary, and our birthdays without him.

I know there is a notion that the first year is the most difficult. I also believe in reality that subsequent next years could be just as difficult. I spent the first year in survival mode. A mode that is probably not sustainable for subsequent years and frankly unrealistic. I indulged the girls and myself trying to mask the grief when possible.

I am not ready to change whatever helps keep us functioning but I do not know what is sustainable long term. I have no idea how I would get through 2015. How can I summon the energy to go through all the pain and emotions of losing David all over again, everyday? It is a very overwhelming thought and I try to keep my sanity by telling myself to “take things one day at a time”.

This month may also be especially difficult and depressing because it is the month that marks one year since my dear husband died. The thought of this makes me feel depleted and defeated. How could I have gone a year without David. How am I suppose to go every single year without you?

Reality not welcome

22 Monday Sep 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, ,

IMG_80

My reality is one that I absolutely hate. I still wish I could wake up from this terrible dream. Part of how I cope is trying to keep occupied as much as possible and keeping occupied until I fall asleep. Staying busy allows me to avoid dealing with or thinking too hard about my reality. The reality that our life is now without David. A reality that I have not embraced.

In many ways I still function like David is here. I am not delusional, I know he is not. However most of my day to day action does not reflect this. When completing forms at Doctors’ offices or similar settings, I still provide David’s full information. Also, when talking to people in random setting, I engage in casual conversations and speak of David like he is still alive.

I have no desire to change this anytime soon and this is evident in most of my actions  including the fact that I have not updated most documents reflecting our life together. I believe it is because I cannot come to terms with telling mere strangers that I need to update my information because my husband passed away. It is upsetting plus I just do not want to deal with the canned sympathy that may come along.

She is angry

17 Wednesday Sep 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

For the first time my older daughter expressed her grief by saying she is angry. I wrote in the past about being angry.  I am still so angry, in fact I am angrier.

My daughter is angry that her Dad got sick. She is angry that he did not get better.

She is angry that this had to happen to her Daddy. She is angry that he died. She is angry at the person that let this happen.

She is angry because everyone else in her class has their Dad. She is angry that other Dads get better when they are sick.

She is angry because there is nothing she wants more than her Dad. She is angry because he was the best Dad in the world and her friends never got to know him.

She is angry that she is never going to see her Daddy again. She is ANGRY.

Truthfully, I am angry for the same reasons. I am angry at things, I am angry at people, I am angry at the world, I am angry at the business of cancer.

We are ANGRY. While we do not go around with this disposition in our day to day interactions, it is an emotion that we have to manage often.  Anger due to the loss of David – my cherished husband and the best father to his two amazing daughters.

My Daddy is lost

24 Thursday Jul 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

,

This week has been very challenging emotionally.  My daughters have cried almost every night asking for their Daddy. The nightly tears are present regardless of the fact that they are having a nice summer. It reflects the sadness we carry around with you regardless of the happy moments.

A few nights ago, when my younger daughter was crying for her Daddy, I asked her if she dreams about Daddy.  Angrily, she looked at me and said “no, my Daddy is lost”. I could no longer hold back my tears. She has waited long enough for her Daddy to come home. She believes that her Daddy is in the sky and in her heart. She misses him and wants him to come back to her, back to the way life used to be. Since this has not happened she resorted to thinking he is lost.

This is how she understands the absence of her Daddy.  As I reflected on her comment, I realized that I often write about David like he is lost when I speak of “my loss of David”. It made me wonder if or how kids grief differently from adult. I know grief is real even in young kids. A few people have suggested to me that the girls would be fine since they are young – like this in some way should make them resilient.

I guess it depends on what is defined as fine because there is nothing fine about having them grow up without David. I certainly hope they would learn to always find happiness and come to terms with the premature death of their Dad. But right now, we are really struggling with his loss and I feel lost without David.

When grief strikes

09 Wednesday Jul 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , ,

IMG_66

It is hard to predict when grief will strike. Seemingly normal or happy occasions can rapidly turn into very sad moments of grief.

I wrote previously about looking forward to watch the July 4th fireworks with the girls. I had assumed that since the day had gone quite well, they would also have a good evening and enjoying the fireworks. Once we found a good vantage point to see the fireworks, the girls were quite excited to see the sky light up.  A few minutes into the show, my younger daughter stormed off saying “Daddy is never going to see the fireworks ever again” and started crying. This had an immediate ripple effect with my older daughter saying “now I am sad too because I miss my Daddy”.

My older daughter was so upset and when into a complete state of sadness.  She cried as she asked why Daddy did not get better. She believed he was going to get better. She said she even wished upon a shooting star that he got better and her wish did not come true. Why did he have to die she asked?

At this point we were all so sad, she asked about stories of Daddy to help make her feel better but I was to sad too even think or share any stories. Thankfully, my Mom came to the rescue and shared a story of about David kindness and compassion. After she was done, my daughter said, “thank you Grandma, I feel better now”.

I realized that the fireworks triggered memories with their Dad which resulted in grief. This affirms how we carry this boulder of grief around in everything we do. We can never anticipate when it will overpower us during seemingly normal or even happy moments. Our grief at that point was so overpowering, I was so weakened by it to the extend that I was unable to share a story about David even though it will have helped make the girls feel better. This was definitely a low moment and I was thankful my Mother was able to help.

Regrets

21 Saturday Jun 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , ,

I regret so many things. Many I cannot let go off and others I have tried to make myself forget. The song “if I could turn back time” by Cher keeps coming to my head.  If only I could turn back time, I would try to change the things within my control.

I regret fighting often with David, particularly when we were younger and I felt more invincible.

I regret that I waited so long to come to terms that his untimely death was approaching. I think if I had accepted sooner, we may have done some things differently – not sure what, but perhaps I would have encouraged him to write letters for his daughters or even make videos for them.

I regret not insisting that David took pictures with his daughters on their birthdays last year.

I regret not taking a family portrait last year.

I regret that cancer exist and we have not figured how to prevent it or cure it.

I regret that cancer has made me even more paranoid about my wellness.

Most of all, I regret that David had cancer. This changed everything in our lives.

Despite all the regrets, I am forever grateful to David for sharing this journey in life with me, even with our challenges and struggles, life with David was beautiful.

Hope from Support group

11 Wednesday Jun 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

My daughters and I have been attending a grief support group since March. It is a nurturing environment geared towards children that have lost a loved one. They also provide an optional support group for parent to attend while the kids are in their groups.

It has been a very positive experience and the girls look forward to going. I especially appreciate that it allows them to interact with other children that have lost a parent since it helps them recognize that while the loss of a parent is uncommon at a young age, we are not abnormal and sadly, other families are in similar situations. I hope that realization will allow them to understand that we will continue to cope and function as a family.

I also chose to attend the optional parent session and the overall experience has been positive. However, the last two sessions I attended have been quite challenging for me emotionally. Unlike previous sessions where I participated actively, I was either crying or sitting quietly. I was sad by our collective grief because at almost every session I have attended at least one new family joins. They join a group that no one deserves – due to the premature death of a spouse or a child. Seeing the newly bereaved faces is a devastating reminder of why we are all there.

Without question, joining the support group has been a great decision for the girls, they enjoy it, have lots of of fun, and make new friends. There is no intention of stopping anytime soon. However, I questioned my continued participation in the parent session given how I sad I felt after the last two sessions. Quickly, I remembered that in the limited time since joining, the experience had been very beneficial to me. The group has allowed me to open up with other bereaved individuals about things that will seem irrational or illogical to others. The group also helps validate these things as normal part of grieving and in many cases they share similar experiences. The shared experiences has helped me cope with some of my personal challenges and also inspires me to have courage.

My hope is that as others join rather than being discouraged by our collective grief, I may be able to share an experience that may be beneficial to others and help someone else have hope when there seems to be none.

Ignoring grief

31 Saturday May 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

,

In the midst of my despair, even when I could not say much or barely think, I recall everyone that called, text, emailed, sent cards or flowers to express their condolences. I was overwhelmed with gratitude and comforted knowing that these people cared enough to reach out to me and my family.

Lately, I realize that some individuals David and/or I may have considered acquaintances never reached out to express condolences, some of these individuals even attended our wedding. So today, I wondered why they never bothered to reach out. Is it the awkwardness of death – a topic most of us like to avoid? Or is it discomfort with not knowing the right thing to say to someone that is grieving? Or did they just not care to sympathize?

I have now encountered some of these individuals and the first thing that comes to my mind is that this person did not bother to send condolences. Then I am baffled when the first question some of them ask me is “how are you doing?”. I find this question rather irritating because to me, it ignores my state of grief and also because the question does not warrant the cliche response of good, great. To me without ever acknowledging my loss, the question simply discounts my grief which is with me 24/7 and frankly I have no desire to proceed in a casual conversation with the person.

I recall that many of the people that reached out to express their condolences were lost for words but they reached out nevertheless and this meant a lot to me. Frankly, I did not know how to support those that were grieving in the past. With the support that others have shown and are showing me and my family, I have learned how I can better support a bereaved person. A lesson, one hopes to never need but one that is part of life.