Vacation for three

14 Tuesday Apr 2015

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I struggled to determine where to take the girls on vacation but knew it needed to be somewhere warm.  My choices seemed quite limited because it was be the first time just the three of us would be traveling.  I needed a place that would not be too chaotic.

In addition to the apprehension of traveling with the girls, I was also concerned about the emotions that would be evoked by not having David with us on vacation. We enjoyed our stay, the weather was perfect, the people were friendly, the girls had so much fun, I was also able to relax. Despite all this, there were nightly tears as my daughter(s) cried about missing their Dad. In some ways the vacation made this worse since we were constantly surrounded with children playing with their Dads.

We had “family” pictures taken while on vacation. This started off rather painful with my older daughter crying that we cannot have family pictures without Daddy. Saddened, I explained to her that we will forever have Daddy with us. Shortly after, she bounced back to her chipper self. When we looked at the pictures, she pointed to one and happily she said “Daddy is right there”.

Traveling was relatively ok and my younger daughter associates flying with her Dad. It seems to make her feel closer to her Dad and once we are at cruising altitude she looks outside the window contently saying “I see my Daddy”.

Overall, I felt a sense of accomplishment knowing that we managed relatively ok considering that it was the first time it was just the three of us.

Time and date

18 Wednesday Mar 2015

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Sometimes, I wonder if David picked the time and date he would take his last breath. I mean this in the sense that he seemed to have picked a date and time that facilitated some quick coordination.

He died during the day

I was always afraid of finding his lifeless body when I woke up. The first thing I did each morning was check to ensure that he was still breathing. I believe that the trauma of finding his lifeless body in the morning would have been even more difficult to handle.

His nurse and home care aide were present

He died during the hour window that both his nurse and home care aid were visiting. This seems ironic since the nurse only came three times a week and the home care aid visits were Monday through Friday. Also, the timing of their visits wasn’t always coordinated.

The presence of both facilitated the process of removal of all the medical supplies and equipments that were a reminder of how painful the disease was physically and emotionally.

Our daughters were in school

They did not have to witness or be shielded from seeing the undertaker moving their Dad’s body.

It was not a snow day or a weekend

This meant that our daughters were in school. Also, the absence of snow meant that the roadways where find and it allowed quick coordination. It also allowed my Sister to drive over as quickly as possible.

It was January

A month that we do not have any significant occasions or birthdays to celebrate month. A month also on record as the most depressing time of the year.

Missing you dearly…..

Destiny fulfilled….

28 Saturday Feb 2015

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Proud Dad

Proud Dad

Often times I have wondered why us, why David, why me. I realize I would never have the answer and the questions results in greater frustration.

I cry about my loss and almost as often, I cry for David who I believed was cheated out of life.  A life he loved so much. How he is missing out of growing old with his family. I wonder why his life had to be cut so short considering how full of life he was.

Some weeks ago, at the grief support group I attend, during our discussions, I had a breakthrough. David died early but I realized it was his time to go. It may sound obvious but until then I felt like it was not his time. I believed his time should have been much later. Several decades away. Most of all, I slowly came to the realization that David had fulfilled his destiny.

More than anything else, David wanted to have children. Against the odds, we were blessed with our two daughters that bring so much joy to life. He was a natural and it was his heart’s greatest desire and he lived long enough to enjoy the joy of being a Dad. Fatherhood was his destiny, a destiny fulfilled. One of my greatest desire is that our children never forget the greatness of their Dad and the love he had for his family.

During his life, he had come close to death many times. In fact, at birth, he was thought to be a blue baby and the priest gave him his last rite. Miraculously, he survived. In the military, he had other close encounters including having a bullet graze his scalp, being stabbed in the rib cage, luckily the knife missing his organs. These were battle scars that were visible on his body. Also, he told me about a last minute change that prevented him from boarding a military cargo plane that crashed.

After we met, he was in a ghastly car accident and walk away without a scratch. I never really understood the gravity of the accident until last year when I was some of the pictures he took of the car which was completely totally.

His life was short yet I believe his destiny was fulfilled. I hope this realization will help ease some of my frustrations as I try to embrace the fact that David survived many other close calls with death which allowed us to meet and also have a family. Slowly, this realization has brought me some comfort and hopefully some peace.

Breaking the silence: the last day

28 Wednesday Jan 2015

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January 29, 2014 was the day my dearest husband took his last breath. A life cut short due to cancer. He was freed from the illness after a great and determined fight. My heart broken.

I remember leaving the house that morning carrying my younger daughter and we both said “Bye Daddy/David” a routine message as I left for work and took her to school. I knew death was looming but could never have prepared for it.

I remembered getting to work that day and putting great energy in my work. Had some meetings and also a few causal conversation with co-workers. As I completed a meeting, I got an email from my older daughter’s principal because she was concerned that my older daughter had casually mentioned to her teacher that her Dad was very sick.

At the beginning of the school year, I informed the principal that David was ill.  However, I did not share the full extent of his illness, also David’s health continued to deteriorate. I called the principal and explained that David was very sick and under hospice care. The support she offered was remarkable.

During the call with the Principal, my Mom called me. I called her back and she said that David was asking for me and I should come home. I did not believe this so I asked what exactly was going. The hospice care nurse was at the house for her routine visit so I asked to talk to her. The nurse informed me that David’s blood pressure was very low. I asked her to quantify, it was 40/20. I knew what this meant.

Calmly, I gathered my belonging and left the office. I called my Sister who was already clued in and causally and sarcastically said to her “I am leaving my office a married woman and would return a widow (a word I hate).

I had an overall sense of calmness as I drove home.  My only hope was that David would be alive when I get home. From the look on everyone’s face when I walked in the door, I knew he was gone. Still, I asked, is he still breathing? They shook their heads.

I yelled at his body, “why didn’t you wait for me”? And immediately, I realized that I did not mean that. I did not need to see my dear husband take his last breath. The nurse and the home care aide (who was also there for her routine visit) said they believe David felt the same way and knew I was on the way home. Knowing him, this makes sense. He probably felt like there was nothing charming about me watching him die and he would have done anything to prevent that.

Then, I looked at my Mom and asked if he was comfortable. She said he was, he passed away peacefully as my Mom (God bless her) prayed with him.

That was it, David was gone forever. I touched him, his body was still warm. He looked peaceful like he was in a deep sleep. Then I realized it was no longer David, since the essence of David has left the body. It was now a body, one that was stricken by cancer and needed to be moved before my daughters came home from school. David and his essence  would live on in me and in our children.

Soon after I arrived home my Sister also came to the house. Much of the rest of the day is vague. I remember watching the video from our wedding, telling my daughters that “Daddy died” (the hardest thing I had to do) and talking to David’s Mom and my brothers.

It felt like my world was collapsing. I could not let this be, I needed to be stronger. For me, for David, and for my children. That night, I could not sleep, neither could my Mom or Sister. Between the tears, the name of the blog, Victory Chest emerged (thanks Sis). I was determined not to lose sight of the family David and I had worked so hard to build.

This is one of several posts that details our experience with bladder cancer. A concise summary of the overall experience can be found in the blog post titled “breaking the silence”.

Going through the emotions

27 Tuesday Jan 2015

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The tears have been more frequent lately, it just keeps coming. I know it has worsened as I anticipate the one year mark since David died. I do not think of the date as an anniversary because to me an anniversary is something for celebration. There is nothing to celebrate about that day. I mourn at the thought of the date and as the day  approaches I feel even more agitated.

Some have asked what I am doing on that day. I have no plans. I just want to be able to get through it. I will take the day off work. I am afraid I will relive all the emotions and the sadness it has brought to our lives. Perhaps, I will be unconventional and indulge in some retail therapy but I am not sure how that will help.

David, how could you be gone for a year?  A whole year without your voice. And to think this is just the beginning of my life without you. Your children have gone a whole year without you. David, how can you be gone? How can our lives be without you? My heartaches, I feel clueless and many times without direction. I do not even know how to mark a year of your passing. I just feel sorrowful and don’t know what to do.

To summarize the first year, it was empty. Empty because no matter what we did over the last year, there was always an emptiness and everything seems incomplete with David.

The day I decided to start writing

26 Monday Jan 2015

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My first notes

My first writing

The picture above is from my first writing. I started writing a few days before David died. It was the first time I documented my thoughts. I knew that the end was closer, my world was caving in on me. I could not escape it, I could not stop it. Yet almost everyone else in my life had no clue what we were dealing with. How could I have bottled so much for so long? I needed an outlet to express what we had gone through and the journey ahead.

The first time I wrote was the Sunday before David died. On that day, I woke up with a very unusual sickness. No clear reason for the illness, no fever but rather I was extremely fatigued with total body weakness. Luckily, my Mom was around to watch the girls and help David.

I wondered what was happening to me. Surely this was not the time to be sick, but somehow my body had turned against me. I could not get out of bed all day but later in the day I managed to write how I was feeling.

The notes were never part of the blog, I started the blog two days after David died and it has been a good outlet for me. While I write more freely on the blog, I still struggle with discussing my emotions in real life. The details of what I wrote that Sunday is shown below:

Today I could not get out of bed

I felt sick like never before- nausea , stomach cramp and extreme fatigue

Eventually vomiting bile since my stomach was empty

I lay here wondering what is wrong, wondering if there is a psychological element. One that may have overwhelmed me into my physical well being. 

For the first time I wondered if could be depressed and what depression felt like i.e. to what extend can it manifest physically. After much consideration I think, it may be more of the anxiety of the unknown and what the future holds that may be affecting me. 

I was saddened by my sickness, knowing how much my darling David has endured day to day for years as he battled with cancer. My Airman, thanks for putting on the good fight. Your fortitude is greatly appreciated. 

#understanding impact of emotional well being on the physical health

 

The elusive sleep

23 Friday Jan 2015

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I often say I have not really had a good night sleep since I was pregnant with our first child. At that time, the lack of sleep was a result of the discomfort I felt during pregnancy and the subsequent adjustment to life with a baby.

As I write this I remembered being so exhausted from extreme lack of sleep when we had our first child. I asked David if people can die from lack of sleep. He said no, not directly because the body will simply shut down and sleep would come regardless of how hard someone tries to stay awake. I have however learned that falling asleep and staying asleep are quite distinct since generally I can fall asleep.

By the time our older daughter became a better sleeper, we were already expecting our second child so the absence of sleep persisted. And when our younger daughter was a better sleeper, the toll cancer was taking on David made it difficult for us to get a restful sleep. For him, it was primarily the pain and need to administer medication. For me, it was trying to help him get through the pain or helping with the medication. Additionally, there was the emotional toll that kept me awake.

His death, compounded my inability to sleep with the extreme emotional anguish and the uncertainty of everything. After over 6 years of not getting a good night sleep, I realized that it would take a while to train my body to sleep properly. At some point last year, my sleep improved, however, it was still not what a good night sleep should be. Lately, I have been finding it difficult to have a restful sleep. This is no surprise given how I have been feeling. I hope that as time goes by my sleep pattern will improve again.

The first year without….

15 Thursday Jan 2015

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I am in a daze, I feel like I do not have a plan and at a complete loss. I wanted to start the year with great hope and optimism but that feeling has been short lived.

The beginning of the year is now a sad reminder that I have to go through all the same things I went through last year all over again. Dates to remind us of the one year mark of my David’s death, his funeral, his birthday, our anniversary, and our birthdays without him.

I know there is a notion that the first year is the most difficult. I also believe in reality that subsequent next years could be just as difficult. I spent the first year in survival mode. A mode that is probably not sustainable for subsequent years and frankly unrealistic. I indulged the girls and myself trying to mask the grief when possible.

I am not ready to change whatever helps keep us functioning but I do not know what is sustainable long term. I have no idea how I would get through 2015. How can I summon the energy to go through all the pain and emotions of losing David all over again, everyday? It is a very overwhelming thought and I try to keep my sanity by telling myself to “take things one day at a time”.

This month may also be especially difficult and depressing because it is the month that marks one year since my dear husband died. The thought of this makes me feel depleted and defeated. How could I have gone a year without David. How am I suppose to go every single year without you?

The worst year

31 Wednesday Dec 2014

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As we bring 2014 to a close and I reflect on the year, I can sincerely say that 2013 not 2014 was the worst year of my life.  This may seem strange since 2014 was the year that David died.

2013 was a nightmare. Every day was spent dreading the unthinkable….fearing what cancer would do to David and our lives.  I remembered ringing in 2013 crying because I was afraid of what that year will bring. Throughout the year, I watched David endured so many unsuccessful procedures, physicial and mental pain. We lived in fear and we were held hostage by cancer. It controlled our lives—every single step.  I got through the year only by pretending or trying to ignore what havoc cancer was causing in our lives.

I have very little recollection of ringing in 2014, it was un-ceremonial for the obvious reason that David was so sick. In fact, I was asleep before midnight and that is something that had never happened before in my adult life.  I remember getting up right after midnight and waking David up to proudly tell him that “you made it into 2014”, he simply smiled and went back to sleep.

2014 has been unbearably painful as I tried to come to terms with the death of my husband, the father of my children. It has been a year of great challenges and tribulation. We have had many first without David and it just does not seem easier. I have experience great pain and sadness. The key difference between 2013 and 2014 is that the fear of  the unknown is no longer lingering. I spent most of 2014 facing my fears.

Tonight, I tried to celebrate new year’s eve like David and I used to. I went to the store bought the seafood and the drink. Shortly after the sadness set in, how could I be drinking and eating seafood on new year’s eve without David. Talking to my Mom and Sister helped and soon after we set up the food and the drinks and enjoyed an early new year’s eve dinner.

I will be up to ring in 2015. I will have a drink and a toast in memories of my dearest David who should have been right here with me. I am determined to continue to face my fears in 2015. I have learned a lot in 2014 and still have a lot to learn. I know I need even more strength and determination to get through 2015 in order to make life as best as I can for my children and hopefully for me.

Thank you to all that have helped me and my family get through 2014. Our road to victory continues. Happy New Year!!!