Some days are just more difficult than others. This month, almost everyday has been rough. Hopefully, I can turn this around soon. I am struggling to find some comfort or a good distraction. I cleaned the garage yesterday, at the time it felt therapeutic, however I felt sad later that I was doing something David should have been doing. Also, seeing his car just sitting in the garage motionless for months was a sad reminder of life without David.

Unlike some days, I have not been able to fight the urge to cry. I found myself crying in the cafeteria at work today, what horror! So many random things have set me off. Why does this week seem extra hard? Is this the logically progression of grief or is it also due to my apprehension about our upcoming anniversary?

I struggle to understand why people at times perceive me to be strong. Based on the context, I am usually grateful, other times puzzled, and in some cases angered.  Angry mostly at myself since I realize that I may be portraying a false perception of my reality. Rather than walking around downcast, I try to cope with David’s loss with courage in public and have a regular demeanor. For me, walking around downcast will only add more sadness and frustration. This however does not reflect my current reality, one that has lots of pain, anger, sadness, and tears. One that is also brightened by my daughters, family, and friends.