• Breaking the silence, the road to victory

VICTORY CHEST

~ Memories of my husband lost too soon to cancer and life with our amazing daughters

VICTORY CHEST

Tag Archives: Missing you

Too bad you are not Daddy

11 Tuesday Mar 2014

Posted by Victory Chest in Road to victory

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

children, crying, grief, Missing you

As we brought out the pieces of the “Marker maker” one of the additions to the girls collection for art and craft, I looked a bit overwhelming.  My older daughter looked at me and she knew exactly what was on my mind and said “we have to build it, too bad you are not Daddy”. She was right.  There were so many pieces, where do I start? David will have figured it out immediately. Thanks to youtube, I watched a video and voilà we were making makers.

It breaks my heart knowing I can never fill that void for my children. My daughter now attributes most things that upset her to the absence of her Dad.  She cries every night, she is sensitive about most things, runs to her room at the smallest things and cries passionately for Daddy, she says she wants her old life back, I do too.

How can you be gone?

02 Sunday Mar 2014

Posted by Victory Chest in Cancer Sucks

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Tags

cancer sucks, crying, David, grief, Missing you

Seriously, how am I suppose to live without you? How can I really live without you? You were everything for me. You balanced me, you were my go to person, bad day – David will fix it, silly question – David will answer it, frustrated – David will bear the brunt of it.

When you went on business trips, we used to joke about how I barely managed to hold things down for a few days without falling apart. Now how am I suppose to hold things together for years, decades?  It has been a month since you have been gone,  it has been horrid. How can I manage for a year?

Seriously, how do I live without you? I do not know how, I have spent ALL my adult life with you. Where do I go now? How do I move on?  How can you be gone forever? NO

This is not fair…..i feel broken. I am broken. I miss you. I need you.

The mind of children

18 Tuesday Feb 2014

Posted by Victory Chest in David, Road to victory

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Tags

children, grief, Missing you

As the days pass, my older daughter especially is getting more emotional about the absence of her Dad.

One night after she watched the movie Brother Bear 2, I noticed she looked a bit emotional.  I asked what was wrong and she said nothing.  I pressed a little bit more and she said God will tell me.  I pleaded that she should share her thoughts with me. Finally she agreed and she said that “if you cannot change someone, you can change yourself”. Then she said she wants to be an angel so she can be with her Dad.

I was dumbfounded, that will teach me to make sure I sit with her and watch her movies. I told her that if she becomes an angel, she will no longer be with Mommy and her Sister. This brought tears as she said “I do not want to leave you and my Sister, I want Daddy to come back”. This brought more tears for both of us.

Later that night, my younger daughter was also missing her Dad, when she was getting ready for bed, she just kept saying “Daddy is back, Daddy is back”.

I understand the void they feel and it is certainly one I cannot fill. How I wish I could bring him back.

PS: Later, I read the plot of Brother bear two and I have a better understanding of the statement my older daughter made. In the movie, there was a male bear who wanted to turn into a human after reuniting with a human female from his childhood he grew fond of, however he could not change into a human and she decided to changed into a Bear.

Missing you so much

11 Tuesday Feb 2014

Posted by Victory Chest in David, Road to victory

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

children, David, Missing you

David, we are all missing you terribly.  I know you know that since I know how much you love your girls.

As I approached my older daughter who was watching a show in the living room, I  noticed that a picture was missing from the frame behind her and she had placed it next to her. I asked why she took down the picture and she stated the expected “because I miss my Daddy”.

Saying we miss David terribly is an understatement, I cannot find the words to express my feeling of loss. My older daughter expressed her feeling of his loss by saying that “I wish my Daddy could just take me into his world”.  This simply reflected her desire to be close to her Dad and I told her that this world needs her sparkly, happy go lucky self.

To revise her statement to better suit our needs, I just wish David could come back to our world. It is just not the same without you, we miss you so much 😦

Below is the picture that she was holding.

img_2603

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