Tag Archives: Missing you

We should have been celebrating our anniversary

13 Tuesday May 2014

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Happy Days

I knew this day was going to be hard. I preempted it, I tried to think of what to do to ease the pain ahead of time. I also tried to determine how to spend the day as I reflected on what should have been our wedding anniversary.

I took the day off work and joined my daughter on a class trip which was actually quite enjoyable. As I came back home, the emotions started to overwhelm me and my dear friend called in the nick of time. She immediately knew I was not in a good mood and asked if I needed her to cry with me or talk about David. I told her none of it will help, so she shared some stories with me from the weeks leading to our wedding and that helped lighten my mood.

I considered taking myself to dinner.  I was reminded of a lady that David and I met several years ago that had lost her husband. We talked about the Bruce Willis movie, The Sixth Sense. She said the ending of the movie was not a surprise to her. Early into the movie she knew that Bruce Willis’s character was dead. She knew because she noticed that the character’s wife was always dining alone on what seemed like special occasion such as anniversaries. While this was not the deterrent from dining alone, I opted out because I did not want to be a basket case in a restaurant.

I considered watching the video from our anniversary. I was also afraid to watch it because I knew it would make me very sad. However I could not resist the urge, I wanted to see David in action.  I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to feel some of the happiness I felt on that day. So finally I popped in the dvd and watched some of the video. I am relieved to say it brought more smiles than tears. I was reminded of some very happy days when I was sweating the fun stuff like floral arrangement for the decor, choice of songs for the program, honeymoon location, or the weather forecast on my wedding day and everything turned out to be perfect. Well, I miss sweating the small stuff.

Below is a picture of me and David at a restaurant on our first wedding anniversary. Interestingly, when I returned to work following the funeral, my digital picture frame was frozen and this was the only picture it projected until April when it started rotating pictures again.

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You gave me the world and then you left

12 Monday May 2014

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David, you gave me the world and now that you have left the world, my life is just so incomplete, so empty. I am lost without you. I have tried to distract my mind in every way I can imagine but it is not working. The pain is raw, the angry is still very fresh.

For almost two decades, I relied on you for just about everything and here I am without you. Where am I suppose to start now? You were my world, our children became part of that world. Now for the last couple of nights all we do is cry about missing you.

I looked in one of the boxes with cards and letter we exchanged over the years and David, you kept everything. You kept little reminders from places we have been, things we did, some I had even forgotten completely. It was nice taking this trip down memory lane. It makes me grateful for all the things you kept, because you know I would have thrown most of those things away. Now they are priceless pieces of our history. They are also a painful reminder of losing you too soon. Realizing how good life was with you made me cry in frustration “you gave me the world and then you left me”.

My frustration was not directed at you my dear David. I know you did not chose to leave me, in fact you fought to stay with me and your children for as long as possible. Missing you so much and cherishing our memories more and more each day.

Where is my Daddy?

29 Tuesday Apr 2014

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“Where is my Daddy”? is a question that my younger daughter is asking more and more lately.

Due to her younger age, I know that she is more likely to forget things about David and this is certainly something I would like to prevent. In fact, I have a strange sense of relief when she cries for him since it reinforces the fact that she is remembering him and missing him.

Considering her age, she also does not understand the finality of death and she keeps expecting David to come back home.  On our vacation, she wanted to come home to Daddy, when we are home, she continues to ask, where is Daddy? I remember one day when she said “Daddy is at the door”, I took her to the door and she said, “Daddy, where are you?”, then she looked through the peephole and concluded that “Daddy has gone for a walk”. Her older Sister came by and said “Silly you, Daddy is not there, he is way way up in the sky”. She said that knowing that this is the usual way her Sister perceives their Dad’s absence.

Lately, she seems even more keen about wanting her Daddy and trying to understand where he is and my latest response that Daddy is in her heart seemed to have left her puzzled. I think I need to stick with her general perception that Daddy is in the sky.

I do not know at what age she will understand that Daddy is not coming back home but I need to ensure that like her older Sister, she continues to remember David and hold on to his memories.

Home is where our hearts belong

20 Sunday Apr 2014

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This was the first time we were away from home as I took the girls on vacation. I am thankful to say they had fun and that brightened my time away.  I looked at them laughing and having a good time, and this made me smile.  It reminded me of the way David would look at me and smile when I was giggly with excitement of a child as he introduced me to new things or took me to new places.

It was rough being away without David, two words “David died” kept pounding my mind. I walked around almost in shock that David died. So many things reminded me of David, our travels and adventures before having kids and our life after kids. I kept thinking what will David do. While watching a show with the girls, I was reminded of how magical the experience was for me when I watched it with David several years ago. As I watched with the girls, tears flowed from my eyes as I felt the void in our life without David, who should have been sitting with us.

Even in the midst of fun, the girls also missed their Dad terribly. Once we got on the plane to depart, my younger daughter immediately started crying that she wanted to go home. She insisted that she wanted her Daddy. I want my Daddy, I want my Daddy was all she said as she cried. Others on the plane may have assumed that I snatched her off her Dad’s arm and was fleeing the country. What became shocking and almost paranormal was that once she sat in her chair, she looked outside the window and immediately stopped crying, her face lit up, happily she smiled and said “I see Daddy, Daddy is right here”. She was pointing outside the window. She remained content for the rest of the flight and insisted that the window stayed open so she could keep looking at her Daddy.

At some point during the vacation, my older daughter said to me “each time I see someone’s Daddy, I feel sad that I do not have my Daddy anymore”. Later that day, she said “Mommy, you know what, throughout the trip, I believed Daddy was at home and that is why I was not sad”. What a great coping mechanism.

When my younger daughter was playing with another girl, the girl asked where her Daddy is. Confidently, my daughter replied that “My Daddy in the sky”. The girl was baffled as she said “he is” and then almost sounding disappointed she said her Dad was on the chair.

Despite the challenges, the girls had a blast. They had fun from the moment they woke up and remained energetic into the late hours of the evening. They even got a surprise visit from their cousins and this added to the nonstop fun.  My Mom and I needed some extra days to recover from the vacation.

At the end we were all ready to go home as my younger daughter said, I want to go home to Daddy. Although David is not home, home is where I find the most comfort, it is a place of solace and where I feel closest to David.

Remembering my Daddy – 13 years later

06 Sunday Apr 2014

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Remembering you Daddy, you are unforgettable. You are our rock, your guidance and wisdom helped in shaping who I am today. I always knew not to be fearful or worried because I  knew Daddy would protect us. I tried to ensure that I would always make you proud. I wanted to remain Daddy’s little girl forever. I miss eating your dinner with you, for some reason everything tasted better on your plate, especially rice and fish.

Your death was shocking and devastating to our family. It changed me forever, at times it made me question the purpose of life, a life without you just seemed senseless and other times it made me fearful of living knowing that it could be gone in an instance.

I mourned endlessly, people tried to assure us that time helps. I remembered thinking I just want to sleep and wake up three years later if time helps. At the three year anniversary, I reflected on that thinking and the loss was still incomprehensible  but as a family we learned to be sustained by your sweet memories and navigate life with more determination.

Your death was my first experience with grief, it was debilitating. I went through the shock, the denial, the anger, the emotional roller coaster as I lived in a world that is business as usual, and eventually the acceptance of how to balance coping with your loss with living life without you. I came to terms that you will remain forever young, I will never see you age, you will not be at my wedding, and never meet your grandchildren. In every phase of my life, I celebrate you and was thankful for the meaningful life you had and the one you gave us.

Following the recent passing of my dearest David, old wounds are reopened as I mourn the loss of the two dearest men in my life. There are days that I am crying and it becomes blurred if I am crying about David, you, or both. Your death also helps me understand how my children are/may be dealing with the loss of their Dad. As your memories have sustained me, I pray that the memories of their Dad will also bring them comfort and happiness.

After 13 years, I miss you just like it was yesterday. I love you immensely and never stop thinking about you.

Sincerely,

Your “Chocolate and popcorn” daughter

 

Never coming upstairs again

04 Friday Apr 2014

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As I came upstairs tonight, I was feeling down knowing David is never coming upstairs again. I recognized the sound of his footstep so well. It used to be fast and energetic.

As the disease started taking a toll on David, the speed and energy of his steps also changes. Regardless, I looked forward to hearing his steps as he came upstairs at the end of his workday. In many cases, it indicated the sign of playtime with the girls, pre-dinner snacking, questions about dinner, discussions about the latest gadget on gizmodo and other random conversations.

The sound of David’s steps as he came upstairs was also a predictor of how he was feeling, the slower and longer he took indicated that he was having a rough day. I listen for his steps and was delighted when he could join in the bath time or bedtime routine. I also remained optimistic that his steps will return with its usual energetic and powerful stomps.

I miss looking forward to David’s footsteps, I am sad knowing it is never to be heard again. I am grateful for the girls and the sound of their footsteps. Steps which are relatively powerful especially relative to their sizes. Steps that I hear just in the nick of time to cheer me up.

Failing

03 Thursday Apr 2014

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At times, I feel like I am failing. Failing because I do not have a good handle on the routine of running the household. From being efficient at motherhood to the nuances of the household.

Failing because my children’s routine are almost nonexistence. I struggle to get the girls to sleep at the right time, eat the meal I prepare, and even lack the energy to give them a bath at times. Granted these are some of the struggles parenthood, they just seem compounded without David.

Failing because when I look around the house and see the aftermath of winter. There are things that need to be addressed or fixed that I do not understand. I am sure some are minor but I really have no clue where to start. Is it a minor plumbing issue or do I need a plumber? David would have known, he was so handy and he could fix anything.

David, where are you? You fixed everything. I look at the tools on your workbench and I am even more clueless. I feel like I am failing and I need you to fix that too. Failing is not an option, I know you will never accept that, I have to get through this but how I wish you could fix it.

Missing you more….

Spring break vacation

30 Sunday Mar 2014

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Since school will be out for spring break, I plan to take the girls on vacation. It was a vacation we planned last year but could not make it and we kept postponing it due to David’s illness. We always remained optimistic that he would get a “break” and would be able to take the vacation…sadly, it was not the case.

My older daughter has been counting down to the break and frankly, I was looking forward to it as well.  Now I am overwhelmed, saddened, and afraid of going on a vacation without David, our pilot. How are we going on a vacation without David? How would I handle seeing other families that seem complete?  How will the kids handle seeing all the other Dads?  Is this life as I know it now?

David who always tried to ensure that I do not wait until the last minute to start packing (he never succeeded). David who always laughed at the amount of luggage I hauled as he fit all his items in a carry-on. David who could navigates well with an old fashioned map, in fact I think he secretly preferred it to the new age car navigation systems. David who put the “r” in relaxation once we get to our final destination.

I am also saddened as I realized that we will never have a family vacation picture with all of us in it. The last vacation we took together, how I wished I approached a stranger to take a picture of all four of us together. There is no more opportunity to do this and I am still beating myself up for that.

I know I will be constantly reminded of David on the vacation. I just hope sweet memories will get me through the sadness of missing him. I also hope that the girls will have a nice time even as they are reminded that we are incomplete without David.

The picture below is the closest to a family picture from our last vacation as we alternated taking pictures.

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It is a raining day

29 Saturday Mar 2014

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I have never liked rainy days. Prolonged rain has a way of making me feel sad. David actually loved the rain. He used to sit outside in the rain and listen to the rain. He found it very relaxing. He wanted an awning over the deck so he could sit comfortably under and enjoy the rain. I remember one stormy day as he sat on the deck listening to the rain, I insisted it was dangerous and made him come inside as he tried to argue that my concerns about lightning were unfounded.

Today, as it continues to rain, I feel depleted of energy and have a strong sense of the loss of my dearest David. I wish he was here so badly. I fell asleep last night looking at pictures, I continued again this morning. I am reminiscing and I want to believe he is still alive because I am having a really hard time dealing with the fact that he is not.

As I looked through pictures I found some pictures I thought I had lost, they made me happy as I remembered the good old days. Sadly, such days are never to be experienced again with David. But I will hold on to these pictures and the memories because I remembered the day vividly and it was a fun family outfitting as we went to watch our first (and last) football game like an all American family rooting all the way for UConn.

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Tell me stories about Daddy

18 Tuesday Mar 2014

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_MG_5438It was no surprise that Monday evening ended even crappier than the morning.  As we started homework my older daughter was already getting sad even my younger daughter recognized it and tried to make her happy.

By bedtime she broke down crying, she cried and talked about how much she missed her Dad.  She wondered why he did not get better, why he had to die now, why did he not die when she was older. She asked why she could not see him ever again. She looked out the window hoping she would find a shooting star so that she could wish for him to come back. She cried a lot, we cried a lot, I have had the same questions often.

As she started to settle down a bit she said that when she grows up, she wishes to find someone just like her Daddy.  WOW…I was again dumbfounded because while I know I cannot wish David back, I can truly wish the same for both girls because I know how lucky I was to have David.

I started telling her stories about her Dad.  She laugh hysterically as I told her how David used to dress her up and confuse the front and back of her dresses saying that men clothes are so much easier because the buttons are always in the front. How he used to wonder why girls had to wear tights and lifted her with tights to ensure that it fit just right (this is something we still do). I told her how he used to appeal to me to stop trying to feed her puree baby food such as tender beef spinach which were completely void of taste and asked that I feed her what we could eat. We laugh about so many things and she concluded that “Daddy is silly”.

I tried to assure her that even though Daddy is gone I will continue to do my best to make her happy. She asked that I should not talk about her Dad being gone but rather I should tell her more stories about him to make her laugh.

The best part of the evening was while we were laughing about the story, she said that “I actually forget that Daddy was gone, and for a minute I thought that Daddy was here”.