Tag Archives: Missing you

Was David a dream?

29 Friday Aug 2014

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There are moments that I have found myself wondering irrationally if David really existed or if it was all a dream that I am waking up from. Did I imagine him – his love, his character, my life with David? I am quick to realize that it was not a dream, I know he existed, plus our children are the best reminder of my dearest David.

I have never heard that wondering if a loved one really existed is part of grieving, so I questioned where the thoughts that David may have been a dream is coming from. I assume it is because I struggle to understand my life without him. Plus, my life with David was the life I dreamed of AND it was my reality. Now my new reality has me questioning if the one I dreamed of actually happened.

Strangely, in the early years of our relationship, I wrote a note to David and titled it “Dreams”. It was about our love and how it was too good to be true and must be a dream that would eventually end. This letter is an eerily reflection of my current predicament.

I remember the thought behind the letter at that time. It was a reflection of the fact that were from two different worlds and cultures and while everything seemed perfect to us, we questioned if it was possible to have a future together.

In retrospect, I want to rewrite the letter and emphasize that I would not be waking up from my perfect dream.

A picture of the letter “Dreams” is shown below.

Dreams of David

Dreams of David

 

The receipt in the jacket

09 Saturday Aug 2014

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David in his jacket at our anniversary dinner

David in his jacket at our anniversary dinner

David was typically very casual and once he found an item of clothing he liked, he would wear it consistently until it is worn out. This is especially true for his jacket, blue jeans, and shoes.

He was especially fond of his leather jacket. He had broken into it nicely over the years and it was like it had become a part of his body. Even in the frigid winter, his leather jacket was his go to jacket. I recall our good friend telling me that anytime she thinks of David, she sees him in his leather jacket.

I remember arguing with David as we travelled transatlantic and he decided to travel with his leather jacket and I asked that he wore something that was newer. Adamantly, he insisted on wearing it saying it was comfortable for traveling.

Last night, my older daughter saw the jacket hanging in the same place David left it. She wanted to look at it so we went through the pockets.  I was secretly hoping to find a letter from David with a message that will bring me some much needed encouragement given that I was emotionally drained.

In the chest pocket, I found a receipt from our last dinner together. It was our anniversary dinner. I recall that day very well. We wanted to be our old selves again but there were glaring signs of the illness. We did not have an appetite plus I had no desire to have a cocktail knowing David was unable to have any. Nothing felt normal, in fact both our minds were heavy probably as we saw how the disease had changes us and also feared what may be next.

We finally agreed to call it a night. It was not the dinner we wanted and David especially felt disappointed. He wanted another chance to have a better meal in a better atmosphere and hopefully with less stress. The next day, he gave me a card asking for a do-over. Unfortunately, we were never able to have our do-over dinner.

Seeing the receipt in pocket last night made me burst out crying and got my daughter who has been missing David so much lately to join in the crying. It reminded me of the sadness I felt that night perhaps because a part of me was afraid it could be our last anniversary. I also reminded me that it was the last time I dined with David, something that we did so frequently in the past especially before kids and even with kids.

I sat with my daughter for while until we pulled ourselves together and put the receipt back in his jacket.

Below is a picture of the do-over card he gave me, inside he wrote a note about how we can overcome and we can beat the odds. I still choose to believe this is true, we will overcome, cancer will never claim victory over us.

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My Daddy is lost

24 Thursday Jul 2014

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This week has been very challenging emotionally.  My daughters have cried almost every night asking for their Daddy. The nightly tears are present regardless of the fact that they are having a nice summer. It reflects the sadness we carry around with you regardless of the happy moments.

A few nights ago, when my younger daughter was crying for her Daddy, I asked her if she dreams about Daddy.  Angrily, she looked at me and said “no, my Daddy is lost”. I could no longer hold back my tears. She has waited long enough for her Daddy to come home. She believes that her Daddy is in the sky and in her heart. She misses him and wants him to come back to her, back to the way life used to be. Since this has not happened she resorted to thinking he is lost.

This is how she understands the absence of her Daddy.  As I reflected on her comment, I realized that I often write about David like he is lost when I speak of “my loss of David”. It made me wonder if or how kids grief differently from adult. I know grief is real even in young kids. A few people have suggested to me that the girls would be fine since they are young – like this in some way should make them resilient.

I guess it depends on what is defined as fine because there is nothing fine about having them grow up without David. I certainly hope they would learn to always find happiness and come to terms with the premature death of their Dad. But right now, we are really struggling with his loss and I feel lost without David.

Road trips with David

19 Saturday Jul 2014

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David driving on our honeymoon

David driving on our honeymoon

I see the dust accumulating on David’s car in the garage and I am painfully reminded of his absence. I miss him driving me and the girls. I miss going places with David. I console myself with fun memories of road trips we had.

David enjoyed driving, we went on so many road trips together. Driving was his default mode of transportation. Flying was only considered when it was more than a 10-hour drive each way. He prepped the car for the road trips ensuring that we were prepared for many situations. The blankets, pillows and bottles of water were some of the most essential items.

David drove and I enjoyed being the passenger and at times the annoying co-pilot. On rare occasions, he would let me drive after I remained adamant that he needed a break.

I remembered the first time I got in a car with David and I also have so many fun memories of driving with David. We tried to spend as much time together even when we did not have any destination in mind. We saw lots of sunrises and sunsets. We drove across State line and explored neighboring States. I enjoyed napping on the longer trips. MacDonald was the preferred stop for restroom breaks because David said they always have clean bathrooms.

Our longest road trip was from El Paso to Atlanta and he made it even longer by taking a longer route so we could see other places of interest along the coastline. Taking longer routes was something he did often to allow us to spend more time together.

The most impromptu trip was from Virginia to Orlando. Bored over a spring break holiday, I said let’s go to Disney and surprisingly he said YES. A few hours later, we were in the car on the way to Disney. My happiness that day matched that of overly excited kids on their way to Disney.

The most nerve-wrecking trip was in the UK as David tried to adjust to driving on the right side of the road. After he returned the rental car, he kissed the ground thankful that we returned safely.

The most unpredictable trip was going to see his parents for the first time. He assured me that I would have fun and there was nothing to anticipate and he was correct. His parents were ever so warm, welcoming, and loving.

The most frequent road trips were the ones David made to see me. For years, he would drive 10-hours each way just so we could spend as much time together. He always said time went flew by because listened to the same set of songs repeatedly.

Driving was something David enjoyed, his car is part of our memory of David. I was with him when he bought the car. It was the car we drove to the hospital to deliver our older daughter as he drove uncharacteristically nervous. It is the car he used drive to drop and pick up our daughters from school. They had their own songs they listened to in that car, those songs now trigger memories of David.

The car now sits in the garage with the battery completely drained. My older daughter has made it clear that she wants us to keep it. She was so upset when I asked if we should sell it and said “I am so angry that you will even ask that question”. She said even if it is not working, we need to keep it as one of Daddy’s memories.

So the car continues to sit in the garage and my younger daughter fondly points to it often and says “that is my Daddy’s car”.

Birthday brings smiles

30 Monday Jun 2014

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My younger daughter’s birthday was one of many “firsts” we have had without David in the last two months. Her birth was one of my proudness moments and was the best part of  2011. It is what I want to take away from that year.

I recall that a month after we were rejoicing about the excitement of having another baby, we quickly became devastated with the fear of cancer and the potential extent. At that time, it made no sense why universe was so cruel, allowing me to be pregnant while we were dealing with the horrors of cancer. Quickly, I realized that the pregnancy was why I had to be stronger. I had to take care of myself to take care of our baby. So, despite of the challenges of that period, I was strengthen by the needs of my unborn child and my older daughter.

It is now even more apparent that the pregnancy at that time was a blessing that came at the right time and the only time. I am so thankful to God. My daughters have each other and love each other so much. Together, they fill the house with so much joy and laughter. They are the reason we fought so hard and the reason I continue to stand.

For my younger daughter’s birthday this month, I knew that it had to be celebrated as David and I would have done in the past. Last year knowing David’s state of health, I tried to discourage my older daughter from having a birthday but David would not have it, he insisted that we celebrate her birthday. Similarly, the first time he had chemo and was still recovering from the aftermath, he was adamant that we celebrate our daughter’s birthday.

David knew how much fun it is for the girls and he also knew I enjoyed doing the crafts and/or baking in preparation for the birthday. I certainly had some satisfaction preparing from my daughter’s birthday. I also missed David terribly. I missed bugging him with silly questions on what to do, assigning projects to him, and having him ensure that anything I made was symmetrical.

In preparation for my daughter’s birthday, as I assembled a table with help from my Sister, I felt a burst of David within me. I seriously could not have done it in the past. I had a sense of pride with the birthday because I was feeling like DaMa,  it felt like David was living within me and helping me accomplish things that would have seemed impossible before.

Most importantly, I was happy because the girls were having a great time.  Thanks to those that helped or joined in celebrating my daughter’s birthday and a big thank you to a dear friend that worked tirelessly taking pictures (including the one above). The last two months have been so rough and you all helped make end it on a high note.

While we had a really nice day, we went to bed crying because even in moments of happiness the constant void in our life without David is so painful.

A cake for Daddy

24 Tuesday Jun 2014

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The last two months have been quite challenging since we have/will experience many firsts without David(my birthday, our anniversary, Mother’s day, Father’s day, David’s birthday, and my Daughter’s birthday) almost back to back. The absence of David for his birthday was the most recent and probably the most challenging mentally.

Unlike our anniversary which was a sad day for just me, David’s birthday was our collective sadness. We cried sporadically for days leading to his birthday and could not decide how to make the most of the day. Previously, I wrote that my daughter asked that we make a “frosting cake” in remembrance of David. She later changed her mind saying she no longer likes frosting. Eventually, we agreed to just make a regular cake with some frosting.

I truly cannot articulate my feelings on David’s birthday – but it was not a good feeling. I also felt a bit anxious and indecisive. It was certainly not “Happy” Birthday. The use of happy was inappropriate in my view. It seemed pointless to make a birthday cake because he wasn’t here to enjoy it. There was no reason to celebrate the day but I also did not want to neglect to recognize that it was his birthday.

When I asked my daughter how she felt about making a cake for Daddy, her eyes lit up with excitement. They were so happy to help. So after dinner, we baked the cake. Baking with the girls was the highlight of the day. It reminded me of what life with David felt like.

Making the frosting was literally “the icing on the cake” my daughters were so happy to see it and smiled radiantly as the licked frosting knowing I was allowing them to indulge. Between the girls eating frosting and me a dropping some we ended up with an almost frostless cake but they were proud of the outcome.

I did not have any desire to sing happy birthday. My older daughter tried and almost immediately, the tears started flowing and we were taking turns crying or consoling each other. We tried to say something about Daddy and again the tears started so we decided to stop everything and just eat cake.

David, life is definitely not the same without you, I miss having you try any cake that I made. Thanks for encouraging me to bake by being my best critic and for finding something nice to say even if the cake had more baking soda than flour.

Regrets

21 Saturday Jun 2014

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I regret so many things. Many I cannot let go off and others I have tried to make myself forget. The song “if I could turn back time” by Cher keeps coming to my head.  If only I could turn back time, I would try to change the things within my control.

I regret fighting often with David, particularly when we were younger and I felt more invincible.

I regret that I waited so long to come to terms that his untimely death was approaching. I think if I had accepted sooner, we may have done some things differently – not sure what, but perhaps I would have encouraged him to write letters for his daughters or even make videos for them.

I regret not insisting that David took pictures with his daughters on their birthdays last year.

I regret not taking a family portrait last year.

I regret that cancer exist and we have not figured how to prevent it or cure it.

I regret that cancer has made me even more paranoid about my wellness.

Most of all, I regret that David had cancer. This changed everything in our lives.

Despite all the regrets, I am forever grateful to David for sharing this journey in life with me, even with our challenges and struggles, life with David was beautiful.

Precious moments with Daddy

15 Sunday Jun 2014

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Learning to blow bubbles with Daddy
Manicure by Daddy

The pictures above are two of my favorite pictures of David with our daughters. For me, they capture some of the essence of David as a father. He was a hands-on, down to earth Daddy. Fatherhood brought out the child in him. He knew when to play rough with the girls and when to be dainty with his precious princesses.

David, you were made to be a Dad. You looked forward to becoming one and saying you will climb to the top of the mountain and rejoice for everyone to hear. I remember you crying with joy and pride the day you became a father, the pride and joy these girls brought you was never ending.

I know there is no where else you would have wanted to be than with your family. Home with your girls was your better place.  You loved life and life with your daughters. We miss you dearly, everyday. I am so sad knowing that the girls are missing out of making more precious memories with you. So today and every day we continue to hold on to the precious memories we had with you.

Below is a picture of our older daughter that I gave David on his first Father’s Day as I told him that she will be saying Dad in time for father’s day.

To all amazing Dads, Happy Fathers Day!

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DaMa – my new name

08 Sunday Jun 2014

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Last week, my older daughter said “DaMa, that is your new name because you are half Daddy and half Mommy”. I was touched by her positive comment and my new name since it was her reflection on how we are doing. In moment of sadness as I over analyzed the comment with a less optimistic view, it was upsetting that DaMa only allows my daughters to get our half of their Dad and half of me. They deserve 100% Daddy and 100% Mommy.

The girls continue to miss their Dad and speak of him often. They also continue to cry for him. One evening as my older daughter was getting ready for bed, she cried because it was a classmate’s birthday and his Dad came to their class for the celebration and she was reminded that her Dad will never be able to come to her school for her birthday.

The crying seems worse with my younger daughter, she cries for him in so many situations. She also refers to him as often as possible. When she wanted a treat and I said there is none she said “I want Daddy to buy me some treats”. When she stuck my phone in a crevices that was unreachable, as I looked at her upset, sheepishly, she looked at me and said, I want my Daddy to help get it.

I know her level of understanding regarding David’s passing continues to improve. Yesterday she said to me “I miss my Daddy”.  In the past, her communication was centered around waiting for Daddy i.e. I want Daddy back, where is my Daddy etc….all reflecting the longing for him to come home.  Following her comment, we looked at pictures of David together and I reminded her that Daddy is in her heart and she reached for the picture and then towards her heart.

Below is a picture of us trying to make the most of the summer. The shirt I am wearing was sent to me by my brother and reads “My love is based on a true story”. I felt so happy wearing the shirt as it reminded me of David, I think I can wear it everyday.

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Calling Daddy

03 Tuesday Jun 2014

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I remembered when we got our first matching phones and similar numbers over a decade ago. It was a good feeling, it was like a first step to being a real couple.

I miss hearing David’s voice. Calling his number was second nature, I called him for everything. I called even when there was nothing to talk about and he also did the same. If he did not answer my call, I usually just hung up unlike David who always left a message. His message always started with “Hi Sweetheart”.

Even though I know he will never answer his phone again, I still call his number and a part of me strangely hopes that like the good old days, he would pick up. Unfortunately, because we changed phone providers late last year and he never set up a new voicemail so I don’t even get to hear his voice. The decision to change provider is one that I regret because I also lost all the messages David left on my cell phone.

One evening, as my older daughter was missing her Dad, she dialed his number. I know a part of her was hoping he would answer the call but it just went to the generic voicemail. Eventually, she stopped trying and feeling disappointed she asked me why isn’t Daddy answering his phone?

Regardless of the absence of his voice on the voicemail, I am not ready to disconnect his number, like many things, this is something I am holding on to. The decision to maintain the number may be against conventional wisdom but for me, the number is so dear. It is David’s number, it is our number and I am not willing to release it knowing it will be re-assigned to someone else.