Tag Archives: love

Twenty years ago…

13 Wednesday Jul 2016

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Twenty years ago today, is a day I can never forget. A day that shaped the last 20 years of my life. A day that I will forever be grateful for. It was the day I met my dearest David at a roller skating rink, a man I think of every day. A man that I will always love and man who loved me without limits.

I remember the smile on his face as he approached me to skate. I remember his persistence, I remember how two hours flew by, I remember David waiting at the exit and handing me his pager number . I still have the paper he wrote his number on.

I remembered resisting the urge to “page” him and finally caving in and paging him the next day (he claims it was three days later), I remember the endless conversations, I remembered how we used to celebrate our anniversaries monthly, I remembered that perfect summer in 2006, it was like a dream. Love came so easy and I felt very lucky but somehow we also both felt like it was not going to last…our worlds after all were so different. Love conquered all our trepidations and I am so glad we made it work. Twenty years later I reflect on that love and also our daughters that brought even greater love to our lives.

I look at the last 20 years with very sincere gratitude knowing that I have been blessed with such great love. Grief remains very present in our lives. We miss David dearly and having him in our hearts just isn’t enough. In fact, sometimes that just seems like ridiculous jargon we say to console ourselves. Time does not make grief normal, it just becomes something that we have dealt with longer and sadly more familiar with.

Our road to victory continues, I remain determined to ensure that grief does not prevent me and my daughters from attaining our full potential. I am blessed because of that perfect summer day on Jul 13, 1996 when I met my David. My love for you is constant because true love never dies.

 

Two years later……

29 Friday Jan 2016

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Our hearts still aches….in some ways it seems like yesterday, the memories of your death so fresh and painful. In other ways the wound is no longer as raw and we are able to genuinely smile and find happiness.

David, thank you for showing us what true love is….your legacy lives on. Your daughters are a constant reminder of what you lived for, your smile, your energy, and your charisma, and a life full of love and optimism.

Two years later, I thank God for his amazing grace because I look back and I know it was not by my strength that we made it this far. Our road to victory still continues.

Destiny fulfilled….

28 Saturday Feb 2015

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Proud Dad

Proud Dad

Often times I have wondered why us, why David, why me. I realize I would never have the answer and the questions results in greater frustration.

I cry about my loss and almost as often, I cry for David who I believed was cheated out of life.  A life he loved so much. How he is missing out of growing old with his family. I wonder why his life had to be cut so short considering how full of life he was.

Some weeks ago, at the grief support group I attend, during our discussions, I had a breakthrough. David died early but I realized it was his time to go. It may sound obvious but until then I felt like it was not his time. I believed his time should have been much later. Several decades away. Most of all, I slowly came to the realization that David had fulfilled his destiny.

More than anything else, David wanted to have children. Against the odds, we were blessed with our two daughters that bring so much joy to life. He was a natural and it was his heart’s greatest desire and he lived long enough to enjoy the joy of being a Dad. Fatherhood was his destiny, a destiny fulfilled. One of my greatest desire is that our children never forget the greatness of their Dad and the love he had for his family.

During his life, he had come close to death many times. In fact, at birth, he was thought to be a blue baby and the priest gave him his last rite. Miraculously, he survived. In the military, he had other close encounters including having a bullet graze his scalp, being stabbed in the rib cage, luckily the knife missing his organs. These were battle scars that were visible on his body. Also, he told me about a last minute change that prevented him from boarding a military cargo plane that crashed.

After we met, he was in a ghastly car accident and walk away without a scratch. I never really understood the gravity of the accident until last year when I was some of the pictures he took of the car which was completely totally.

His life was short yet I believe his destiny was fulfilled. I hope this realization will help ease some of my frustrations as I try to embrace the fact that David survived many other close calls with death which allowed us to meet and also have a family. Slowly, this realization has brought me some comfort and hopefully some peace.

25 Dec Forever

27 Saturday Dec 2014

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the forever Christmas card

the forever Christmas card

Earlier this month when I brought out Christmas decorations for the house, I found a large envelope with old Christmas cards. They were mostly cards David had given me and our daughters for Christmas a few years ago.

The card that struck the most emotion was the card he got for the girls. The message was beautiful but most of all, he dated it “25 Dec Forever” as pictured above. This brought me some sense of joy even in my sadness because one of my biggest regrets is not coming to terms with the fact that David would died prematurely from cancer. I think that if I had come to terms with it, it would have allowed him to better prepare and leave messages, cards, or notes for our daughters.

The card was written in the earlier stages of the disease and I am thankful that I did not notice it then. At that time, I would have been upset that he would date a card as such and I would even have tried to make him edit it and said something like why are you preparing like you are not going to be around to watch them grow up

The card had a beautiful message and advice to the girls on growing up and finding their path to happiness, wisdom, and success and ended with a final message that “but there’s is one gift I can give you this Christmas that will always be with you – and that’s the love of a proud parent’s heart”.

This message resonates a lot. He loves his daughters with no bounds. They know it, they miss it, it makes it his absence even more difficult to bear. Yet, it is all we have to sustain us and that love will go on in our hearts forever.

In the arms of an Angel

30 Sunday Nov 2014

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The song “In the arms of an Angel” has been playing in my head for most of the weekend. I tried to resist the urge to download it but I could not. I listened to it knowing it would make me cry and it did.

It is one of the songs from the soundtrack of the movie “City of Angels”. It is a movie David and I watched several years ago. David liked the story a lot, in fact he selected it and made me watch it. It is a story of love {SPOILER ALERT}, about an angel who gave up his immortality just to be with the woman he loved. Sadly, the woman died soon after he became a mortal being. When asked if he regretted the decision to be mortal, he responded that he would rather one moment with her than an eternity without her.

That was the punchline for David and he used to tell me that he would have done the same thing for me and give up anything without regrets. He was truly a romantic guy and fondly told me he was hopelessly in love.

I have avoided watching any movies or shows that David and I used to enjoy together knowing it would only bring tears and sadness. Well last night, I was on the slippery slope and after crying to the first song, I listened to another song “Iris” from the movie and that brought more tears. As the evening progressed, I could not resist the urge to watch the movie. I thought I would be a complete basket case watching it but I was not. As I watched the love unfold, I focused more on the love story and rather than the sadness of the premature death. I felt encouraged by the love I shared with David and believing that he is in the arms of the angels and also hoping that somehow he was watching over me.

Getting the job I wanted

04 Tuesday Nov 2014

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Recently, someone asked me what I do at work and as I explained, I remembered that it was David that helped me get my first job in the industry.

Soon after graduating from college, I realized that most of the jobs I was interested in required 3 to 5 years of work experience as a result I was getting limited or no response to the jobs I applied for.

One day, I saw a posting for a job I really wanted that fitted my skill set. I mentioned it to David and asked if he could help get the company to look at my resume. He succeeded in reaching in HR Manager and also getting him to look at my resume. Soon enough I had an interview at the company and was hired.

David was successfully in making the contact based on his personality and expertise. It was not because he had any direct contact within the company. He always had a way with people and could win over many. His voice was energetic and friendly. Like one of his friends wrote in a tribute to David, he never met a stranger. He could easily find something to talk to anyone about. He frequently said to me “you can get more with honey than vinegar”.

Thank you David for always believing in me and seeing the best in me.

Below is a picture of David and me on my first business trip.

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You gave me the world and then you left

12 Monday May 2014

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David, you gave me the world and now that you have left the world, my life is just so incomplete, so empty. I am lost without you. I have tried to distract my mind in every way I can imagine but it is not working. The pain is raw, the angry is still very fresh.

For almost two decades, I relied on you for just about everything and here I am without you. Where am I suppose to start now? You were my world, our children became part of that world. Now for the last couple of nights all we do is cry about missing you.

I looked in one of the boxes with cards and letter we exchanged over the years and David, you kept everything. You kept little reminders from places we have been, things we did, some I had even forgotten completely. It was nice taking this trip down memory lane. It makes me grateful for all the things you kept, because you know I would have thrown most of those things away. Now they are priceless pieces of our history. They are also a painful reminder of losing you too soon. Realizing how good life was with you made me cry in frustration “you gave me the world and then you left me”.

My frustration was not directed at you my dear David. I know you did not chose to leave me, in fact you fought to stay with me and your children for as long as possible. Missing you so much and cherishing our memories more and more each day.

On this Mother’s Day

11 Sunday May 2014

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On this Mother’s day, I recognize so many of the amazing Mothers I know. I thank God for my amazing Mother and my  children who allow me to experience this wonderful blessing of motherhood. Girls, I love being your mother.

Today, I am so grateful for David’s Mother. She is very kind hearted with a beautiful smile. She always makes people feel welcome and loved. She is the reason that David was so sweet and affectionate. David always talked about all the wonderful things his Mommy did for him growing up. A lot of them were memories of little things that made his childhood extra special. Such as making green eggs and ham based on the Dr Suess book. Or giving him a bowl full of sugar to dip strawberries, or sticking pretzel sticks into a banana. His eyes twinkled with the excitement of a little boy when he shared some of the memories. I remember his happiness whenever we visited and his Mom had his favorite beef stew ready.

She is a woman of grace, a woman who still believes in the elegance of the past decades. Some of her taste in decor and jewelry has rubbed off on me.  My Sister and I jokingly refer to me as a 1950s wife based on my fondness for some of the retro/vintage things from that era. Many of the decor in our home are gifts David’s Mom has given us over the years. I hope to take care of them with the same great care so that my daughters can also enjoy having them in the future. This would further help in preserving David’s legacy.

Most especially, I admire David’s Mother’s strength. She has experienced one of the greatest loss in life, losing her dear son. A son who loved his mother to no end. A son who always brighten the house the moment he walked in to visit his parents. He knew just how to make his parent laugh and how to tease his mother until she believed he needed a smack. Despite her loss and the other personal challenges she has faced including the passing of David’s Dad last year, she continues to be very graceful, loving, and caring. She worries about my well-being and about her grandchildren – they are so dear to her heart.

I admire her for being a wonderful mother, grandmother, and wife. I admire how she filled their home with so much love. I recall David once saying that “even though my Mom worked, I always remember her being present”. This reflected how she was always active in his life and helping make the best memories. Hopefully, I can raise my daughters to say the same thing about me in the future.

A big thank you to my daughters (cough Sister) for the beautiful flowers. Also, the Mother’s day art and crafts they made. Thank you to everyone for Mother’s day messages, your calls and the cards. A very Happy Mother’s Day to all.

Taking your love for granted

12 Saturday Apr 2014

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Our story is based on David’s love. Love of a man who was passionate about everything he did. A man that I love dearly. A man who showed me love that seemed reserved for fairly tales. Love that I could not fathom at the beginning and I became dependent on. Love that I took for granted.

I took for granted that David will always be around to show me and his children this love. I took for granted that he will make egg pizzas for breakfast while singing and dancing or Korean meals for dinner with details like a personal chef. I took for granted that he will always fix my car, do the groceries, take care of the running of house, pay the bills, pick the girls up from school, fixed everything we broke callously, play passionately with the girls, and continue to teach me “useless information” as he called it.

David, I took for granted that you will always call just to say “I love you”. That you will always open the doors for me, send me flowers for no reason, leave me a love note, sing to me on my voicemail, get me multiple cards for my birthday, or other occasions that did not seem to warrant celebrations. No matter how beautiful the cards were you always included a personal note. I took for granted that I will run out of space to store these cards.

I took for granted that you will always hold my hands, something I used to be so shy about in public…to be young and naïve. How I wish we could take a stroll together now. I took for granted that you will always see beauty in me, even when I could not see it. I took for granted that you will always be my bodyguard as you took calculated decisions on everything you did involving your family.

I took for granted that you will be around to argue with me. No doubt we could both be stubborn but you were the peacemaker. David you could not bear to be angry with me for too long and if I stayed angry, argued relentless, or walked away stubbornly, you apologized even if you did not know what you did wrong. I remember how it used to drive me crazy when we argued and it always seemed like you purposefully lowered your voice below your usual decibel just to make mine seem louder and in turn make me seem unreasonable. I smile at those memories.

I took for granted that you will always love me and you never stopped. Your love was endless. The last words I remember you saying to me were “I love you” and that day you said it nonstop into the wee hours of the night.

Our story is a story of love. It will never be redefined by cancer. This is not a cancer blog, It is a blog about our journey and your legacy. A legacy based on love, the love you shared with me and your children. The love you left in your daughters’ who are as affectionate as you.

I love you so much and will never take your memories or legacy for granted.

Sister, Sisters

24 Monday Mar 2014

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_MG_5239My Sister who moved across country to live in the same state with us almost immediately after we got the news of the cancer reoccurrence. This was a great sacrifice because you left simply to be close to us. You left your job, took a cut in pay but you said you never looked back.  In fact, you did not see it as a sacrifice but rather as the right decision.

Having you closer to us is priceless. David loved you like a Sister. The girls are so fond of you. Each time you come over, they run to you like they have not seen you in ages, even if they saw you the previous day. You are the reason why David cried with joy after our younger daughter was born as he said “I am so happy we have another girl”. With tears streaming down his face, he said “they can be close like you and your Sister, and your Mom and her Sister”.

When we were younger we joked that you always followed me around, now I find myself looking to you for guidance and support. You always have the right things to say or the right approach in different situations. You know me so well, no matter how hard I try to mask my mood, you know when I am happy, sad, or excited. Sometimes, it is like you know me more than I know myself. In fact, David used to call you to reason with me. You knew when I should be ignored or encouraged. I remember the evening before my wedding when I went bridezella over a subtle error on the program at about 2 am and I wanted it corrected, you were the only one that laughed at me until I realized the ridiculousness.

You are always there for me, for us. In the good times you are beaming with me and in the difficult times you have been there to encourage me. You  took the girls to school as David and I ran from appointments to appointments. You took them out to play when we could not.  You were there to listen to me wailing and crying from the torment that cancer brought to our life. After David passed, you never left my side. You took calls for me when you knew I was in no position to talk. You always know when to step in when life gets too overwhelming for me.

Writing this post is making me cry because of the love I have for you and my gratitude to you. We have been close since childhood, we shared a bedroom even though we did not have to. Having you in my life has made the good time even better and the hard times a bit more bearable. This post also made me realize that you and I have very few pictures together.

Below is a picture that David always wanted – “three generations of Sisters” he called it. There is certainly a very powerful Sister bond in this family, one that David and I hope continues with our daughters – who also like sharing the same bedroom and currently they enjoy wearing matching outfits.