Tag Archives: grief

You gave me the world and then you left

12 Monday May 2014

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David, you gave me the world and now that you have left the world, my life is just so incomplete, so empty. I am lost without you. I have tried to distract my mind in every way I can imagine but it is not working. The pain is raw, the angry is still very fresh.

For almost two decades, I relied on you for just about everything and here I am without you. Where am I suppose to start now? You were my world, our children became part of that world. Now for the last couple of nights all we do is cry about missing you.

I looked in one of the boxes with cards and letter we exchanged over the years and David, you kept everything. You kept little reminders from places we have been, things we did, some I had even forgotten completely. It was nice taking this trip down memory lane. It makes me grateful for all the things you kept, because you know I would have thrown most of those things away. Now they are priceless pieces of our history. They are also a painful reminder of losing you too soon. Realizing how good life was with you made me cry in frustration “you gave me the world and then you left me”.

My frustration was not directed at you my dear David. I know you did not chose to leave me, in fact you fought to stay with me and your children for as long as possible. Missing you so much and cherishing our memories more and more each day.

This is my story, this is my song

09 Friday May 2014

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I can think of at least four or five of my dear friends that will cringe as they see the title of this post. They know it is part of the lyric to a song that I sang often and it makes me cry. They thought they successfully got me to stop, sadly, I find myself singing or humming the song lately.

I cannot recall how many times I have cried singing that song. Mostly in the shower since it was a place of escape where I could cry in privacy and also think long and hard. I dreamed of a cure, I reflected on our lives before the diagnosis, I thought of my mistakes, things I wish I had done differently, our daughters and their Dad that they love so dearly. I also had great moments of darkness, as I thought of the unthinkable, how can there be life without David? The mere thought that David may not overcome the disease was an unbearable one. How could I ever function in such a world?

Two days before the funeral, I was overwhelmed with emotions and went to take a shower. I stood there crying and singing my sad song. I realized that what I always feared and knew to be unbearable had happened. I would have to bury David. How was I suppose to do that? How can there be life without David?

As I stepped out of the shower, my Sister and these dear friends were there to console me. They knew when to listen and what to say. However, they insisted I must stop singing that song since it only triggered sadness. Resiliently, I told them that I could not stop because it is my story and it is a sad story. They did not accept my response. Eventually, they lightened the mood, brought some smile, and helped me get ready for the trip.

Thanks Ladies for being amazing and getting me through some of my biggest despair.

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Coping with hard days

06 Tuesday May 2014

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Some days are just more difficult than others. This month, almost everyday has been rough. Hopefully, I can turn this around soon. I am struggling to find some comfort or a good distraction. I cleaned the garage yesterday, at the time it felt therapeutic, however I felt sad later that I was doing something David should have been doing. Also, seeing his car just sitting in the garage motionless for months was a sad reminder of life without David.

Unlike some days, I have not been able to fight the urge to cry. I found myself crying in the cafeteria at work today, what horror! So many random things have set me off. Why does this week seem extra hard? Is this the logically progression of grief or is it also due to my apprehension about our upcoming anniversary?

I struggle to understand why people at times perceive me to be strong. Based on the context, I am usually grateful, other times puzzled, and in some cases angered.  Angry mostly at myself since I realize that I may be portraying a false perception of my reality. Rather than walking around downcast, I try to cope with David’s loss with courage in public and have a regular demeanor. For me, walking around downcast will only add more sadness and frustration. This however does not reflect my current reality, one that has lots of pain, anger, sadness, and tears. One that is also brightened by my daughters, family, and friends.

Why is your name on a tombstone?

08 Tuesday Apr 2014

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Yesterday was the first time I saw a picture of David’s name on his tombstone. It was in the ground above his final resting place. And yesterday was the first time I really lost it crying, an uncontrollable and violent cry, a screaming and wailing cry.  I cried until it hurt and I still could not stop, even when I finally stopped, the tears were still streaming down my face.

I was MAD. Mad because the world seems so unfair, mad at the disease, mad that we did not get a MIRACLE, mad at the  lack of progress in cancer research in making better progress at preventing or curing cancer, a disease that has devasted so many lives.

The picture with David’s name on a tombstone struck a cord so deep. The grass had not fully covered the area, making it clear that it was dug out, David’s body was laid there and the dirty was placed back over. It made the death of David real, it is real, David is gone, his full name is on a tombstone with an end date.

I was MAD, I am MAD. How can you David be lying below ground buried? How can your name be on a tombstone?  This should not have been our destiny yet. It was cut too short, it is OVER, you are never walking through the doors again. Why was our story cut so short? You had the zeal and energy for life, you wanted to live, you needed to live, I needed you to live. We all did.

This is the hardest I have cried because it is confirmation that even though I want to feel that you are home, you are not, you are gone. The picture of the tombstone confirms it.  As my Sister helped console me, I finally remembered that it was Monday and Mondays always seem to be my worse days and through my tears I was able to joke about the fact.

My evening ended putting the girls in bed, they were so full of energy and so happy to see me. They reminded me of the joy of life and where my happiness resides as they hugged and kissed me until the fell asleep.

 

Too bad you are not Daddy

11 Tuesday Mar 2014

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As we brought out the pieces of the “Marker maker” one of the additions to the girls collection for art and craft, I looked a bit overwhelming.  My older daughter looked at me and she knew exactly what was on my mind and said “we have to build it, too bad you are not Daddy”. She was right.  There were so many pieces, where do I start? David will have figured it out immediately. Thanks to youtube, I watched a video and voilà we were making makers.

It breaks my heart knowing I can never fill that void for my children. My daughter now attributes most things that upset her to the absence of her Dad.  She cries every night, she is sensitive about most things, runs to her room at the smallest things and cries passionately for Daddy, she says she wants her old life back, I do too.

Shopping as a distraction

11 Tuesday Mar 2014

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In an attempt to distract myself from the gloominess in my life after David went into hospice care, I shopped, shopped and shopped.  The shopping was done almost exclusively online. Once I clicked send, I started looking forward to the arrival of the items. Unfortunately, as each package arrived once I looked through the items there was always a sense of disappointment, I wondered why I even ordered the items or what made me eagerly await its arrival. It brought no relief in fact, I felt more emptiness and sadness plus I was overwhelmed with the thoughts of processing the returns or flattening the boxes for recycling.

As I think back, I am reminded that I went through a similar process after my Dad passed away, I will go to the mall and shop around hoping that a new item will help bring a little bit of cheer.

I am relieved to say that I was quick to curb this habit, it simply is not easing the pain from my grief.

UPDATE: so maybe shopping can bring a little bit of cheer.

Good days, bad days

06 Thursday Mar 2014

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There is no logic to predicting which days will be bad or good for me. Some mornings, I wake up just knowing it is a crappy day. However, most days, I wake up with no clue how the day will turn out.

Yesterday, I woke up indifferent, got ready for worked, dropped my daughter at school and when I was less than a minute from work, the uncontrollable tears began. I continued to cry in parking lot then took time to recompose myself.  Once I thought I was ok, I proceeded to the office, suddenly, the tears started streaming down my face. Imagine the horror when I ran into a co-worker…oh no….no one is suppose to see me crying definitely not at work and there I was still crying uncontrollably. Eventually, I made it to my office and finally the tears stop and I proceeded my work day.

Today, was different, it was a better day, in fact I refer to it as a good day. Like yesterday, I woke up indifferent but managed to drive to work without crying, sang along to some songs on the radio, and maintained a decent demeanor for the rest of the day.

What makes some days better than others remains unclear. I wish I knew what sets me off some days and what keeps me calmer on other days. I am just relieved that today was better than yesterday.

How can you be gone?

02 Sunday Mar 2014

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Seriously, how am I suppose to live without you? How can I really live without you? You were everything for me. You balanced me, you were my go to person, bad day – David will fix it, silly question – David will answer it, frustrated – David will bear the brunt of it.

When you went on business trips, we used to joke about how I barely managed to hold things down for a few days without falling apart. Now how am I suppose to hold things together for years, decades?  It has been a month since you have been gone,  it has been horrid. How can I manage for a year?

Seriously, how do I live without you? I do not know how, I have spent ALL my adult life with you. Where do I go now? How do I move on?  How can you be gone forever? NO

This is not fair…..i feel broken. I am broken. I miss you. I need you.

Sad even when happy

01 Saturday Mar 2014

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Yesterday, I took the girls to a play at the local community theatre.  The tickets were purchased a while back.  They were excited about going. Since I have taken them out to other shows or activities in the past year alone, I thought we could manage. The play was very well done, they enjoyed it, singing and dancing along. However, it was not void of the emotions of missing their Daddy. There were moments of sadness even while being happy.

Just before the show started, my younger daughter persistently asked, “Mommy, where is Daddy”. Frustrated she said “I want my Daddy now”, again she asked “Where is my Daddy” pounding lightly on my chest in annoyance. I told her Daddy was not here.  Pointing to the celling, she looked up and said, “Daddy is up in the sky”. She still had a questioning look on her face as she looked around the theater and noticed many other Daddies in the audience. It was clear to me that she was puzzled why these Dads are here and hers is up in the sky.

At intermission, my older daughter also said she missed her Dad. At the end of the show she wanted a souvenir that I did not buy because I told her she already had something similar at home. This was a very big mistake on my part as she cried hysterically in the car. Apparently something happened earlier in school that saddened her and my decision not to buy the doll trigger emotions from her rough day at school and also the loss of her Dad. She was so emotional that she said she is sad everyday since Daddy died. How can it be that my happy princess is sad everyday?

I regret the decision not to buy the doll.  While my goal is not to raise children that are overindulged, moving forward, I am suspending some of life’s little lesson to allow them as much sunshine and happiness because there is nothing left of me, if my children lose their sparkles and happiness.

I wish I could take their grief away and make it mine. I wish I can better prepare them for the series of emotions ahead and to understand that even in happiness the sadness of Daddy’s loss will be present. Beginning next week, we will start attending a grieving program focused on children….I hope this will help.

The mind of children

18 Tuesday Feb 2014

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As the days pass, my older daughter especially is getting more emotional about the absence of her Dad.

One night after she watched the movie Brother Bear 2, I noticed she looked a bit emotional.  I asked what was wrong and she said nothing.  I pressed a little bit more and she said God will tell me.  I pleaded that she should share her thoughts with me. Finally she agreed and she said that “if you cannot change someone, you can change yourself”. Then she said she wants to be an angel so she can be with her Dad.

I was dumbfounded, that will teach me to make sure I sit with her and watch her movies. I told her that if she becomes an angel, she will no longer be with Mommy and her Sister. This brought tears as she said “I do not want to leave you and my Sister, I want Daddy to come back”. This brought more tears for both of us.

Later that night, my younger daughter was also missing her Dad, when she was getting ready for bed, she just kept saying “Daddy is back, Daddy is back”.

I understand the void they feel and it is certainly one I cannot fill. How I wish I could bring him back.

PS: Later, I read the plot of Brother bear two and I have a better understanding of the statement my older daughter made. In the movie, there was a male bear who wanted to turn into a human after reuniting with a human female from his childhood he grew fond of, however he could not change into a human and she decided to changed into a Bear.