Tag Archives: David

Regrets

21 Saturday Jun 2014

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I regret so many things. Many I cannot let go off and others I have tried to make myself forget. The song “if I could turn back time” by Cher keeps coming to my head.  If only I could turn back time, I would try to change the things within my control.

I regret fighting often with David, particularly when we were younger and I felt more invincible.

I regret that I waited so long to come to terms that his untimely death was approaching. I think if I had accepted sooner, we may have done some things differently – not sure what, but perhaps I would have encouraged him to write letters for his daughters or even make videos for them.

I regret not insisting that David took pictures with his daughters on their birthdays last year.

I regret not taking a family portrait last year.

I regret that cancer exist and we have not figured how to prevent it or cure it.

I regret that cancer has made me even more paranoid about my wellness.

Most of all, I regret that David had cancer. This changed everything in our lives.

Despite all the regrets, I am forever grateful to David for sharing this journey in life with me, even with our challenges and struggles, life with David was beautiful.

Precious moments with Daddy

15 Sunday Jun 2014

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Learning to blow bubbles with Daddy
Manicure by Daddy

The pictures above are two of my favorite pictures of David with our daughters. For me, they capture some of the essence of David as a father. He was a hands-on, down to earth Daddy. Fatherhood brought out the child in him. He knew when to play rough with the girls and when to be dainty with his precious princesses.

David, you were made to be a Dad. You looked forward to becoming one and saying you will climb to the top of the mountain and rejoice for everyone to hear. I remember you crying with joy and pride the day you became a father, the pride and joy these girls brought you was never ending.

I know there is no where else you would have wanted to be than with your family. Home with your girls was your better place.  You loved life and life with your daughters. We miss you dearly, everyday. I am so sad knowing that the girls are missing out of making more precious memories with you. So today and every day we continue to hold on to the precious memories we had with you.

Below is a picture of our older daughter that I gave David on his first Father’s Day as I told him that she will be saying Dad in time for father’s day.

To all amazing Dads, Happy Fathers Day!

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Frosting for Daddy

14 Saturday Jun 2014

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Eating frosting with Daddy
Eating frosting with Daddy

I knew Father’s day was coming and I made a very conscious decision to disregard the day because I think it will be one of the hard days. I changed channels whenever I heard anything about father’s day or avoided any promotional emails regarding the day.  I recall it being a very painful day for me following the loss of my Dad. I wanted to avoid making a big deal of the day knowing the emotions of my daughters and I are at stake.

The only thing I did proactively regarding Father’s Day was asking their teachers to ensure that my daughters were not excluded from any Father’s day related project. I have previously explained to my daughters that even though Daddy is not here anymore, they have a Dad that is forever in their hearts.

My older daughter opted out of participating in any of the Father’s day projects. She said she did not want to do the project because she could not give it to her Daddy, a decision that I respected and commended. Soon after she told me about her decision, she started crying. She was sad that every child in the class was able to make a project that they will give to their Dads. I explained that in the future if she wanted to make anything for Daddy she can and we will pin it on the board where David used to pin all the arts and crafts they made for him.

Instead of a father’s day project, she brought home a memory box with a note about things she remembers about her Daddy. The note was very touching and moved me to tears, I was marveled at some of the details of things she remembers and it allowed me to reflect on those memories.

One that stuck out the most were her memories of eating frosting with Daddy. I was reminded of the fond memories of David and the girls eating frosting rather than the cake. She also remembered me getting upset with David on the morning of my younger daughter’s birthday when he finished eating what he thought was leftover frosting but it was frosting I was still planning to use to finish her cake and I asked that he make a new batch.

In a previous conversation, she asked that since Daddy likes frosting we should make a “frosting cake” for his upcoming birthday. She explained a frosting cake as a cake made entirely of frosting. So we will be stacking up the butter, cream and sugar in hopes that the cake will help us smile as we remember David on his birthday.

For Father’s day, we have nothing special planned. It will be just another Sunday but that does not mean David is not constantly on our minds. I just do not feel compelled to do anything extra to recognize the day knowing it will only make the girls sadder about the absence of their beloved Daddy, my dearest David. Also, it is a painful reminder of the absence my Daddy dearest.

 

The house that David built

26 Monday May 2014

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home sweet home

home sweet home

On Friday, I had a very nice and uplifting conversation with a good friend. At some point during the conversation, she ventured to ask me what no one else has asked. As she hesitated, I immediately knew what she had in mind. Finally, she asked “are you guys ok?” She meant this in the financial terms.

Soon after David passed, some people asked whether we would be staying in our home. I assumed it was being asked in the context of whether I would want to live in the house without David or if it will be too painful. I later realized that at times, it was meant in a different context of whether we would need to move out.

David knew this would be our home the moment he walked in. He took a few step inside with our realtor, a dear family friend and said to her – this is the house go and get my wife from the car. Soon we moved in and never had any regret but rather a feeling of contentment.

I fondly refer to our home as “the house that David built”. Although he did not literally build it, he added touches to reflect our needs and personality – as the Mr fix it, DIY guy, I know he planned to do so many other things – including building a laundry chute to the basement. It is where I find the most comfort and peace. I feel a closeness to David in our home. The girls like it here to, they are comfortable at home.  In fact, when the miss their Dad, they like going to his office to play as they used to do with him.

For these reasons, I am extremely grateful that we do not have to move. This is our home filled with memories and hopefully many more great memories to come.

 

Today, I choose to be happy

16 Friday May 2014

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On Wednesday, I woke up around 2 am and was reflecting on how difficult this month has been for me. I also believed that my sadness was rubbing off on the girls. I was emotionally drained and felt the need to fight back as I said to myself, today is going to be a good day, I am going to choose to be happy.

When I got out bed later that morning I had the  same mindset. I went around that day making this continuos decision to be happy because even in my sadness there is still so much for me to be grateful for. Overall, I had a decent day, so far the best day this month. I stuck to this mindset on Thursday. I was even brave enough to listen to some of our songs. Songs that trigger memories of David and our lives together, they are songs make me cry lately but rather than crying I sang along with a smile as I remembered the good memories.

I believe my children could tell the difference in me over the last two days and they also seemed happier. Last night they gave me one of the happiest moments as my older daughter said “you are turning into Daddy because you make everything fun”. My heart was filled with joy, it was way past bedtime but I could not resist the urge to do something extra fun so I made a late night delight (strawberry with melted chocolate for dipping). Their eyes sparkled with joy as they said thank you, thank you endlessly.  I went to bed a happy Mommy with two very happy girls.

In the tribute I wrote about David for the funeral, I started with a quote that “the happiest people do not have the best of everything, they make the best of everything”. This truly reflected who my husband was, a very happy man. I always gave him due credit for our happy children. I hope that some of his charisma will stick with me and allow me to continue to find how to be happy in the midst of our sadness.

While I was able to choose to be happy, I realize I cannot choose when to be sad. When the sadness comes, it is overpowering and overwhelming. I just hope I have enough courage and hope to get through the sadness.

We should have been celebrating our anniversary

13 Tuesday May 2014

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Happy Days

I knew this day was going to be hard. I preempted it, I tried to think of what to do to ease the pain ahead of time. I also tried to determine how to spend the day as I reflected on what should have been our wedding anniversary.

I took the day off work and joined my daughter on a class trip which was actually quite enjoyable. As I came back home, the emotions started to overwhelm me and my dear friend called in the nick of time. She immediately knew I was not in a good mood and asked if I needed her to cry with me or talk about David. I told her none of it will help, so she shared some stories with me from the weeks leading to our wedding and that helped lighten my mood.

I considered taking myself to dinner.  I was reminded of a lady that David and I met several years ago that had lost her husband. We talked about the Bruce Willis movie, The Sixth Sense. She said the ending of the movie was not a surprise to her. Early into the movie she knew that Bruce Willis’s character was dead. She knew because she noticed that the character’s wife was always dining alone on what seemed like special occasion such as anniversaries. While this was not the deterrent from dining alone, I opted out because I did not want to be a basket case in a restaurant.

I considered watching the video from our anniversary. I was also afraid to watch it because I knew it would make me very sad. However I could not resist the urge, I wanted to see David in action.  I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to feel some of the happiness I felt on that day. So finally I popped in the dvd and watched some of the video. I am relieved to say it brought more smiles than tears. I was reminded of some very happy days when I was sweating the fun stuff like floral arrangement for the decor, choice of songs for the program, honeymoon location, or the weather forecast on my wedding day and everything turned out to be perfect. Well, I miss sweating the small stuff.

Below is a picture of me and David at a restaurant on our first wedding anniversary. Interestingly, when I returned to work following the funeral, my digital picture frame was frozen and this was the only picture it projected until April when it started rotating pictures again.

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You gave me the world and then you left

12 Monday May 2014

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David, you gave me the world and now that you have left the world, my life is just so incomplete, so empty. I am lost without you. I have tried to distract my mind in every way I can imagine but it is not working. The pain is raw, the angry is still very fresh.

For almost two decades, I relied on you for just about everything and here I am without you. Where am I suppose to start now? You were my world, our children became part of that world. Now for the last couple of nights all we do is cry about missing you.

I looked in one of the boxes with cards and letter we exchanged over the years and David, you kept everything. You kept little reminders from places we have been, things we did, some I had even forgotten completely. It was nice taking this trip down memory lane. It makes me grateful for all the things you kept, because you know I would have thrown most of those things away. Now they are priceless pieces of our history. They are also a painful reminder of losing you too soon. Realizing how good life was with you made me cry in frustration “you gave me the world and then you left me”.

My frustration was not directed at you my dear David. I know you did not chose to leave me, in fact you fought to stay with me and your children for as long as possible. Missing you so much and cherishing our memories more and more each day.

On this Mother’s Day

11 Sunday May 2014

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On this Mother’s day, I recognize so many of the amazing Mothers I know. I thank God for my amazing Mother and my  children who allow me to experience this wonderful blessing of motherhood. Girls, I love being your mother.

Today, I am so grateful for David’s Mother. She is very kind hearted with a beautiful smile. She always makes people feel welcome and loved. She is the reason that David was so sweet and affectionate. David always talked about all the wonderful things his Mommy did for him growing up. A lot of them were memories of little things that made his childhood extra special. Such as making green eggs and ham based on the Dr Suess book. Or giving him a bowl full of sugar to dip strawberries, or sticking pretzel sticks into a banana. His eyes twinkled with the excitement of a little boy when he shared some of the memories. I remember his happiness whenever we visited and his Mom had his favorite beef stew ready.

She is a woman of grace, a woman who still believes in the elegance of the past decades. Some of her taste in decor and jewelry has rubbed off on me.  My Sister and I jokingly refer to me as a 1950s wife based on my fondness for some of the retro/vintage things from that era. Many of the decor in our home are gifts David’s Mom has given us over the years. I hope to take care of them with the same great care so that my daughters can also enjoy having them in the future. This would further help in preserving David’s legacy.

Most especially, I admire David’s Mother’s strength. She has experienced one of the greatest loss in life, losing her dear son. A son who loved his mother to no end. A son who always brighten the house the moment he walked in to visit his parents. He knew just how to make his parent laugh and how to tease his mother until she believed he needed a smack. Despite her loss and the other personal challenges she has faced including the passing of David’s Dad last year, she continues to be very graceful, loving, and caring. She worries about my well-being and about her grandchildren – they are so dear to her heart.

I admire her for being a wonderful mother, grandmother, and wife. I admire how she filled their home with so much love. I recall David once saying that “even though my Mom worked, I always remember her being present”. This reflected how she was always active in his life and helping make the best memories. Hopefully, I can raise my daughters to say the same thing about me in the future.

A big thank you to my daughters (cough Sister) for the beautiful flowers. Also, the Mother’s day art and crafts they made. Thank you to everyone for Mother’s day messages, your calls and the cards. A very Happy Mother’s Day to all.

Coping with hard days

06 Tuesday May 2014

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Some days are just more difficult than others. This month, almost everyday has been rough. Hopefully, I can turn this around soon. I am struggling to find some comfort or a good distraction. I cleaned the garage yesterday, at the time it felt therapeutic, however I felt sad later that I was doing something David should have been doing. Also, seeing his car just sitting in the garage motionless for months was a sad reminder of life without David.

Unlike some days, I have not been able to fight the urge to cry. I found myself crying in the cafeteria at work today, what horror! So many random things have set me off. Why does this week seem extra hard? Is this the logically progression of grief or is it also due to my apprehension about our upcoming anniversary?

I struggle to understand why people at times perceive me to be strong. Based on the context, I am usually grateful, other times puzzled, and in some cases angered.  Angry mostly at myself since I realize that I may be portraying a false perception of my reality. Rather than walking around downcast, I try to cope with David’s loss with courage in public and have a regular demeanor. For me, walking around downcast will only add more sadness and frustration. This however does not reflect my current reality, one that has lots of pain, anger, sadness, and tears. One that is also brightened by my daughters, family, and friends.

Where is my Daddy?

29 Tuesday Apr 2014

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“Where is my Daddy”? is a question that my younger daughter is asking more and more lately.

Due to her younger age, I know that she is more likely to forget things about David and this is certainly something I would like to prevent. In fact, I have a strange sense of relief when she cries for him since it reinforces the fact that she is remembering him and missing him.

Considering her age, she also does not understand the finality of death and she keeps expecting David to come back home.  On our vacation, she wanted to come home to Daddy, when we are home, she continues to ask, where is Daddy? I remember one day when she said “Daddy is at the door”, I took her to the door and she said, “Daddy, where are you?”, then she looked through the peephole and concluded that “Daddy has gone for a walk”. Her older Sister came by and said “Silly you, Daddy is not there, he is way way up in the sky”. She said that knowing that this is the usual way her Sister perceives their Dad’s absence.

Lately, she seems even more keen about wanting her Daddy and trying to understand where he is and my latest response that Daddy is in her heart seemed to have left her puzzled. I think I need to stick with her general perception that Daddy is in the sky.

I do not know at what age she will understand that Daddy is not coming back home but I need to ensure that like her older Sister, she continues to remember David and hold on to his memories.