• Breaking the silence, the road to victory

VICTORY CHEST

~ Memories of my husband lost too soon to cancer and life with our amazing daughters

VICTORY CHEST

Tag Archives: David

Twenty years ago…

13 Wednesday Jul 2016

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David, love, Missing you

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Twenty years ago today, is a day I can never forget. A day that shaped the last 20 years of my life. A day that I will forever be grateful for. It was the day I met my dearest David at a roller skating rink, a man I think of every day. A man that I will always love and man who loved me without limits.

I remember the smile on his face as he approached me to skate. I remember his persistence, I remember how two hours flew by, I remember David waiting at the exit and handing me his pager number . I still have the paper he wrote his number on.

I remembered resisting the urge to “page” him and finally caving in and paging him the next day (he claims it was three days later), I remember the endless conversations, I remembered how we used to celebrate our anniversaries monthly, I remembered that perfect summer in 2006, it was like a dream. Love came so easy and I felt very lucky but somehow we also both felt like it was not going to last…our worlds after all were so different. Love conquered all our trepidations and I am so glad we made it work. Twenty years later I reflect on that love and also our daughters that brought even greater love to our lives.

I look at the last 20 years with very sincere gratitude knowing that I have been blessed with such great love. Grief remains very present in our lives. We miss David dearly and having him in our hearts just isn’t enough. In fact, sometimes that just seems like ridiculous jargon we say to console ourselves. Time does not make grief normal, it just becomes something that we have dealt with longer and sadly more familiar with.

Our road to victory continues, I remain determined to ensure that grief does not prevent me and my daughters from attaining our full potential. I am blessed because of that perfect summer day on Jul 13, 1996 when I met my David. My love for you is constant because true love never dies.

 

Two years later……

29 Friday Jan 2016

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David, love, Remembrance

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Our hearts still aches….in some ways it seems like yesterday, the memories of your death so fresh and painful. In other ways the wound is no longer as raw and we are able to genuinely smile and find happiness.

David, thank you for showing us what true love is….your legacy lives on. Your daughters are a constant reminder of what you lived for, your smile, your energy, and your charisma, and a life full of love and optimism.

Two years later, I thank God for his amazing grace because I look back and I know it was not by my strength that we made it this far. Our road to victory still continues.

Surviving Christmas

28 Sunday Dec 2014

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Christmas day, David, David's Mom

with David's Mom

with David’s Mom

Christmas last year was a very trying one since David was already quite sick and in hospice care at home. My wish was that he was alive for Christmas. I knew that if he passed away on Christmas day, I was not going to inform anyone. I was determined to not have our daughters associate Christmas Day with the death of their Dad.  Luckily, David felt the same way and survived Christmas.

I recall as he watched them opening their gifts with joy, it was the first year our youngest daughter began to appreciate the excitement of opening her gifts. It was also sad to watch as I realized it would likely be the last time he would see them open their presents.

In preparation for Christmas this year, I just kept busy. I did not allow any down time, it was an avoidance mechanism to prevent the crippling sadness that was ripping me apart inside. On the day, I was happy with the outcome as we enjoyed Christmas lunch with family and friends. I was so grateful that David’s Mom was able to join us and her presence was a nice reminder of David who had many of his Mom’s attributes.

Thanks to everyone that helped make the day special and the gifts of love, time and presents you shared with my daughters and me.

O Christmas tree

06 Saturday Dec 2014

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christmas tree, David, Missing you

The last tree we picked with David

It is the season no doubt. I have anticipated it for a while and I am determined to make it is as good as possible for the girls and hopefully myself.

David had a strong preference for fresh Christmas trees from the farm. He liked the smell and the experience of going to get the tree. In our previous home, with two kids and all their toys and baby gear, we did not have enough room for a full size tree. David was undeterred and determined to still pick a decent size fresh tree for the house. I was skeptical and not thrilled about the idea but he insisted that he will make it work and he did. We picked up the tree and he had a significant amount of the branches in the back cut off. This allowed us to fit it against a wall and it turned out looking very good. In fact, it was hard to tell that a significant amount was cut off the back. That was my David – always coming up with solutions.

For the first Christmas in our new house, he was so thrilled that he did not have to cut the branches to make space and he joked that he was going to get the largest tree he could find and set it right in the middle of the room. I remember the day we picked up the tree. We went as a family and decorated it with the traditional ornaments and some the more sentimental ornaments with personal messages of love and family. It was a good day and he was so happy to have enough space for the tree.

Last year, I had no desire to get a tree and about 10 days before Christmas my older daughter asked why we still did not have our tree. Painfully, I went to the farm on my own and picked up a tree. My only criteria was that I needed to be able to carry it alone. When I got home, I decided to move the location of the tree to different location from the previous year to allow David to enjoy seeing it. The tree turned out fine and David beamed proudly that I was able to do it.

In some ways the experience of getting the tree last year helped prepare me for picking our tree without David this year. We picked our tree and was I was determined to decorate it to satisfaction. The tree is up, the girls are happy with it, it looks nice but I still feel like I am missing something. I think I just need David to say that it is perfect. He always told me when I was going overboard or when I needed to do more.

Below is a picture from 2012 when we picked our Christmas tree, complete as a family. It was the last Christmas tree we picked with David.

Reality not welcome

22 Monday Sep 2014

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David, grief, Missing you

IMG_80

My reality is one that I absolutely hate. I still wish I could wake up from this terrible dream. Part of how I cope is trying to keep occupied as much as possible and keeping occupied until I fall asleep. Staying busy allows me to avoid dealing with or thinking too hard about my reality. The reality that our life is now without David. A reality that I have not embraced.

In many ways I still function like David is here. I am not delusional, I know he is not. However most of my day to day action does not reflect this. When completing forms at Doctors’ offices or similar settings, I still provide David’s full information. Also, when talking to people in random setting, I engage in casual conversations and speak of David like he is still alive.

I have no desire to change this anytime soon and this is evident in most of my actions  including the fact that I have not updated most documents reflecting our life together. I believe it is because I cannot come to terms with telling mere strangers that I need to update my information because my husband passed away. It is upsetting plus I just do not want to deal with the canned sympathy that may come along.

Was David a dream?

29 Friday Aug 2014

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David, Dream, Missing you

There are moments that I have found myself wondering irrationally if David really existed or if it was all a dream that I am waking up from. Did I imagine him – his love, his character, my life with David? I am quick to realize that it was not a dream, I know he existed, plus our children are the best reminder of my dearest David.

I have never heard that wondering if a loved one really existed is part of grieving, so I questioned where the thoughts that David may have been a dream is coming from. I assume it is because I struggle to understand my life without him. Plus, my life with David was the life I dreamed of AND it was my reality. Now my new reality has me questioning if the one I dreamed of actually happened.

Strangely, in the early years of our relationship, I wrote a note to David and titled it “Dreams”. It was about our love and how it was too good to be true and must be a dream that would eventually end. This letter is an eerily reflection of my current predicament.

I remember the thought behind the letter at that time. It was a reflection of the fact that were from two different worlds and cultures and while everything seemed perfect to us, we questioned if it was possible to have a future together.

In retrospect, I want to rewrite the letter and emphasize that I would not be waking up from my perfect dream.

A picture of the letter “Dreams” is shown below.

Dreams of David

Dreams of David

 

Road trips with David

19 Saturday Jul 2014

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car, Daddy's car, David, Driving, Missing you, road trips

David driving on our honeymoon

David driving on our honeymoon

I see the dust accumulating on David’s car in the garage and I am painfully reminded of his absence. I miss him driving me and the girls. I miss going places with David. I console myself with fun memories of road trips we had.

David enjoyed driving, we went on so many road trips together. Driving was his default mode of transportation. Flying was only considered when it was more than a 10-hour drive each way. He prepped the car for the road trips ensuring that we were prepared for many situations. The blankets, pillows and bottles of water were some of the most essential items.

David drove and I enjoyed being the passenger and at times the annoying co-pilot. On rare occasions, he would let me drive after I remained adamant that he needed a break.

I remembered the first time I got in a car with David and I also have so many fun memories of driving with David. We tried to spend as much time together even when we did not have any destination in mind. We saw lots of sunrises and sunsets. We drove across State line and explored neighboring States. I enjoyed napping on the longer trips. MacDonald was the preferred stop for restroom breaks because David said they always have clean bathrooms.

Our longest road trip was from El Paso to Atlanta and he made it even longer by taking a longer route so we could see other places of interest along the coastline. Taking longer routes was something he did often to allow us to spend more time together.

The most impromptu trip was from Virginia to Orlando. Bored over a spring break holiday, I said let’s go to Disney and surprisingly he said YES. A few hours later, we were in the car on the way to Disney. My happiness that day matched that of overly excited kids on their way to Disney.

The most nerve-wrecking trip was in the UK as David tried to adjust to driving on the right side of the road. After he returned the rental car, he kissed the ground thankful that we returned safely.

The most unpredictable trip was going to see his parents for the first time. He assured me that I would have fun and there was nothing to anticipate and he was correct. His parents were ever so warm, welcoming, and loving.

The most frequent road trips were the ones David made to see me. For years, he would drive 10-hours each way just so we could spend as much time together. He always said time went flew by because listened to the same set of songs repeatedly.

Driving was something David enjoyed, his car is part of our memory of David. I was with him when he bought the car. It was the car we drove to the hospital to deliver our older daughter as he drove uncharacteristically nervous. It is the car he used drive to drop and pick up our daughters from school. They had their own songs they listened to in that car, those songs now trigger memories of David.

The car now sits in the garage with the battery completely drained. My older daughter has made it clear that she wants us to keep it. She was so upset when I asked if we should sell it and said “I am so angry that you will even ask that question”. She said even if it is not working, we need to keep it as one of Daddy’s memories.

So the car continues to sit in the garage and my younger daughter fondly points to it often and says “that is my Daddy’s car”.

When grief strikes

09 Wednesday Jul 2014

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children, David, fireworks, grief, July 4th

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It is hard to predict when grief will strike. Seemingly normal or happy occasions can rapidly turn into very sad moments of grief.

I wrote previously about looking forward to watch the July 4th fireworks with the girls. I had assumed that since the day had gone quite well, they would also have a good evening and enjoying the fireworks. Once we found a good vantage point to see the fireworks, the girls were quite excited to see the sky light up.  A few minutes into the show, my younger daughter stormed off saying “Daddy is never going to see the fireworks ever again” and started crying. This had an immediate ripple effect with my older daughter saying “now I am sad too because I miss my Daddy”.

My older daughter was so upset and when into a complete state of sadness.  She cried as she asked why Daddy did not get better. She believed he was going to get better. She said she even wished upon a shooting star that he got better and her wish did not come true. Why did he have to die she asked?

At this point we were all so sad, she asked about stories of Daddy to help make her feel better but I was to sad too even think or share any stories. Thankfully, my Mom came to the rescue and shared a story of about David kindness and compassion. After she was done, my daughter said, “thank you Grandma, I feel better now”.

I realized that the fireworks triggered memories with their Dad which resulted in grief. This affirms how we carry this boulder of grief around in everything we do. We can never anticipate when it will overpower us during seemingly normal or even happy moments. Our grief at that point was so overpowering, I was so weakened by it to the extend that I was unable to share a story about David even though it will have helped make the girls feel better. This was definitely a low moment and I was thankful my Mother was able to help.

Fireworks, Independence day

04 Friday Jul 2014

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David, fireworks, Independence day, July 4th

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David and I have always enjoyed watching fireworks display on July 4th in celebration of Independence day. Most years, we found a good location to watch while managing to avoid the crowds and mass exodus after the show.

The need to avoid the crowd was even more important after we had children. With the girls, it was also challenging to watch the firework considering that it is done quite late in the evening. For our first July 4th as parents, we took our daughter to a park that had many activities and music all day but left before the fireworks display in order to avoid the crowds.

The next year, we were keen to see the fireworks, so after dinner, we put my daughter in her pajamas, parked in a hilly area with a good vantage point for the fireworks and yet far away from the crowds. The last few years, we have been fortunate enough to see fireworks within the vicinity of our home.

One of my best memories of fireworks with David actually did not involve real fireworks. We were driving late in the evening and it started to snow. It was my first time driving at night in the snow. As the snow came down on the windshield and with the dark road in the background, I said to David with excitement, “it looks like fireworks”. David got such a kick about my comment and said he loved how I see some things with the innocence of a child.

Fireworks bring many great memories with David. It brought out the child in me and David enjoyed watching my excitement.  The July 4th fireworks was the one we saw routinely and this one is always special since it brought a strong sense of pride and patriotism.

Tonight, I hope we are lucky to see the firework display within the vicinity of our home so that I can enjoy the excitement with my daughters.

Happy Independence Day, USA!!!

A cake for Daddy

24 Tuesday Jun 2014

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birthday, David, David's birthday, Frosting cake, Missing you

The last two months have been quite challenging since we have/will experience many firsts without David(my birthday, our anniversary, Mother’s day, Father’s day, David’s birthday, and my Daughter’s birthday) almost back to back. The absence of David for his birthday was the most recent and probably the most challenging mentally.

Unlike our anniversary which was a sad day for just me, David’s birthday was our collective sadness. We cried sporadically for days leading to his birthday and could not decide how to make the most of the day. Previously, I wrote that my daughter asked that we make a “frosting cake” in remembrance of David. She later changed her mind saying she no longer likes frosting. Eventually, we agreed to just make a regular cake with some frosting.

I truly cannot articulate my feelings on David’s birthday – but it was not a good feeling. I also felt a bit anxious and indecisive. It was certainly not “Happy” Birthday. The use of happy was inappropriate in my view. It seemed pointless to make a birthday cake because he wasn’t here to enjoy it. There was no reason to celebrate the day but I also did not want to neglect to recognize that it was his birthday.

When I asked my daughter how she felt about making a cake for Daddy, her eyes lit up with excitement. They were so happy to help. So after dinner, we baked the cake. Baking with the girls was the highlight of the day. It reminded me of what life with David felt like.

Making the frosting was literally “the icing on the cake” my daughters were so happy to see it and smiled radiantly as the licked frosting knowing I was allowing them to indulge. Between the girls eating frosting and me a dropping some we ended up with an almost frostless cake but they were proud of the outcome.

I did not have any desire to sing happy birthday. My older daughter tried and almost immediately, the tears started flowing and we were taking turns crying or consoling each other. We tried to say something about Daddy and again the tears started so we decided to stop everything and just eat cake.

David, life is definitely not the same without you, I miss having you try any cake that I made. Thanks for encouraging me to bake by being my best critic and for finding something nice to say even if the cake had more baking soda than flour.

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