Tag Archives: condolence

Ignoring grief

31 Saturday May 2014

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In the midst of my despair, even when I could not say much or barely think, I recall everyone that called, text, emailed, sent cards or flowers to express their condolences. I was overwhelmed with gratitude and comforted knowing that these people cared enough to reach out to me and my family.

Lately, I realize that some individuals David and/or I may have considered acquaintances never reached out to express condolences, some of these individuals even attended our wedding. So today, I wondered why they never bothered to reach out. Is it the awkwardness of death – a topic most of us like to avoid? Or is it discomfort with not knowing the right thing to say to someone that is grieving? Or did they just not care to sympathize?

I have now encountered some of these individuals and the first thing that comes to my mind is that this person did not bother to send condolences. Then I am baffled when the first question some of them ask me is “how are you doing?”. I find this question rather irritating because to me, it ignores my state of grief and also because the question does not warrant the cliche response of good, great. To me without ever acknowledging my loss, the question simply discounts my grief which is with me 24/7 and frankly I have no desire to proceed in a casual conversation with the person.

I recall that many of the people that reached out to express their condolences were lost for words but they reached out nevertheless and this meant a lot to me. Frankly, I did not know how to support those that were grieving in the past. With the support that others have shown and are showing me and my family, I have learned how I can better support a bereaved person. A lesson, one hopes to never need but one that is part of life.

 

The awkwardness of death in real life

14 Friday Mar 2014

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It has been almost two weeks since I returned to work and truly, it has been the right decision. I am so thankful for the support of many of the individuals at work. Returning to work has also revealed to me some of the awkwardness of my new reality especially when people see me for the first time.

Many offered their condolences and showed genuine interest in the well being of me and my daughters.  Others simply pretended like nothing happened at all and proceeded to having work related discussions. There is another group that have avoided me like a plague, they see me coming down the hallway and change directions or try to remain so focused on something like they never saw me.

I am most grateful to those that have asked about me or expressed their condolences regarding David’s passing. Many have gone way above what I can even imagine in the extent of the support they have offered.

The strangest are those that simply pretend like nothing happened. I find those situation to be the most peculiar but perhaps it speaks to the awkwardness of death. But death is something I now have to confront daily. Understandably, it is an undesired life change. If I had gone back to work after getting married or having a baby most of these people would have been fine to acknowledge that and offer their congratulatory messages.

As for those that have avoided me, if/when our paths cross will determine which of the other two categories they fall into.

Below is selfie of me and my older daughter on my first day back to work. I was determined to make sure I did not look crazy, I know David never let me leave the house looking crazy.

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Message from my big brother

03 Monday Feb 2014

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For everyone that is sharing the pain and grief with us, thank you because it is a pain I truly cannot bear alone. Here is the message my older brother posted as a comment and I decided to share it as a post.  Thank you for your words of kindness and encouragement.

Dear Sister,

I don’t really know where to begin or how to address this situation, especially addressing my darling wonderful younger sister. I was not going to say or write anything with regards to this blog etc. Because my sister had the courage to put this up, i can only attempt to say something befitting in writing, since i know it will almost be impossible for me to speak at his burial, due to the emotions and grief i feel. We are all devastated, but i know the burden lies primarily mostly on you and your girls. From the moment i learnt about David’s illness, i have only tried to wish it away and hope for some divine intervention.

Let me attempt to quickly say the following, you loved David beyond words could express, when i visited David this past August while on Admission in NY, it was then i realized that the situation was rather critical and the way my sister managed her kids, her highly demanding executive role and even us her siblings was very encouraging. I recall speaking to my mom while visiting with my wife and kids and the decision i made to terminate a pre-planned wedding in the UK to spend unknown to me my last weekend with David. I am so grateful and thankful that i was able to see David for the very last time in August 2013. I also recall the lunch i had with my Sisters in Manhattan. I truly did not know what to say rather than just being there for her.

David was a great person, fantastic family man, funny guy, and God fearing man. He was protective and also accepting towards all of us, especially me being the older brother to his wife.

Sis, the time you spent with David while it appears short is perhaps equivalent to 5 or 6 decades, the intensity of your relationship and what you were able to achieve is quite significant.

You and your girls will overcome this and become closer and great at whatever you do.

Just as we overcame the loss of our dad and you became who you are today, the same will happen again today.

i am happy that David is no longer in pain and his finally resting peacefully.

Please take heart and accept my warmest and most unconditional love i have towards you and your girls.. Rest assured i will try and play a more pivotal role towards your daughters and also my kids will become even closer with yours.

I pray that God grants us all the privilege you have had to meet someone and love the person as much as you did.

You guys gave it all you had.

He had access to the best family, care and treatment.

it shall be well with you and your girls

Mom please provide the support and guidance you can as always to my sister and your daughter.

I love you all and will see you soon.

Regards
Tunji