Tag Archives: children

I want my Daddy to come home!

02 Sunday Nov 2014

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When my younger daughter woke up yesterday, the first thing she said was “I want my Daddy”. I tried to console her by saying I know you miss him. Then she asked “Where is my Daddy”. I reminded her that Daddy died. Disagreeing with me she said “Daddy is home”. I said to her that Daddy died and is not at home. Such heartbreak for both of us. She started crying and repeatedly said, “I want my Daddy to come to my house”.

I still struggle to use the D word but also find it helpful in responding to her in order to provide clarity on what it means and the finality. My guess is that she was dreaming about her Dad and was disappointed when she woke up to the realization that he is not home. For the rest of the day, she continued to ask about her Daddy or cried when she remembered he is not at home. Bedtime was even worse as she screamed that she wants her Dad in her house. She cried, I cried. She was sad to see me crying so she quickly put on a smile and a happy face and said to me “see, Mommy I am happy, don’t cry.”

I explained to her that it is ok to be sad and cry about missing Daddy. I also let her know that I get sad about Daddy not being home. Eventually, we watched a short video of David playing with my older daughter when she was a baby. The video made her happy and she played the clip repeatedly as she giggled.

Over the last month, she seems to be struggling more to understand why her Daddy is not home. I understand that at her age, the finality of death is even harder to understand. She is still hopeful that he will come home. She brings up her Daddy very often, she talks about him being in the sky and in her heart. When she is upset with me or others, she tells me, she will tell her Daddy so he can put me on time out.

She is longing for him to come home. Recently, the home phone rang and excitedly she asked “is that my Daddy?” I explained to her that Daddy cannot call anymore then she asked “why does Daddy not have a phone”?

While it may be harder for her to articulate all her feelings or fully understand the finality of death, grief is present and painful. My heart aches that I cannot help her feel better. The pain of hearing her say ” Mommy, I am a little sad because I miss my Daddy” or “Mommy, don’t wipe my tears, I am crying because I miss my Daddy” is gut wrenching.

These periods of grief are painful reminders of life without David. Happy moments do not take away the periods of grief. In fact, happy moments at time results in sadness due to grief as I imagine how much better those moments would have been with David around. That was how I felt on Friday evening, I had fun taking the girls trick or treating with our neighbors but felt quite sad that David was not with us.

She is angry

17 Wednesday Sep 2014

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For the first time my older daughter expressed her grief by saying she is angry. I wrote in the past about being angry.  I am still so angry, in fact I am angrier.

My daughter is angry that her Dad got sick. She is angry that he did not get better.

She is angry that this had to happen to her Daddy. She is angry that he died. She is angry at the person that let this happen.

She is angry because everyone else in her class has their Dad. She is angry that other Dads get better when they are sick.

She is angry because there is nothing she wants more than her Dad. She is angry because he was the best Dad in the world and her friends never got to know him.

She is angry that she is never going to see her Daddy again. She is ANGRY.

Truthfully, I am angry for the same reasons. I am angry at things, I am angry at people, I am angry at the world, I am angry at the business of cancer.

We are ANGRY. While we do not go around with this disposition in our day to day interactions, it is an emotion that we have to manage often.  Anger due to the loss of David – my cherished husband and the best father to his two amazing daughters.

Daddy, you did not call me

14 Sunday Sep 2014

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The day after my older daughter’s birthday, she decided to have a conversation with her Daddy. She picked up a pretend phone and started talking to him. She said “Daddy, you did not call me on my birthday. You did not even send a message. So I just pretended like you called me. I miss you and I love you”.

I was saddened as I listened to the conversation. I asked her how she was feeling. Cheerfully, she said I am fine, I was just talking to Daddy. I was also impressed with her coping mechanism. I know she misses her Dad dearly, she talks frequently about him and thinks of him often.  I know she felt his absence on her birthday and yet she proceeded to make the most of the day celebrating with family and friends.

We have all had our “first” birthdays without David and it has not been easy, although we made it a point to celebrate each one. It also leaves me with great trepidation as the thought of having the rest of our birthdays without David is so unbearable.

Missing you more each day.

Birthday motivation

09 Tuesday Sep 2014

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My older daughter celebrated her birthday recently and I chose to reflect on all the joy and happiness she has brought to my life. Her birth changed me forever. She made me a Mother, a role I love beyond words.  Motherhood made me want to be a better person. It domesticated me and helped reduce my temperament (at times).

On her birthday, I thought so much of David.  I recall so much about the pregnancy, the day she was born. The tears of joy we shed. The love David has for his daughters and how he loved being a Dad. I was sad that he is not here with us to celebrate. I wish I could sense that he was watching over us and seeing how she is becoming more like him in many ways.  She talks about him frequently and misses him dearly. I was determined to try to make her birthday tears free. I did not succeed, I cried, she caught me and she cried.

On the brighter note, I was able to enjoy some time off work at home with my daughters.  It was time I really valued, the best I have felt this year since we had plenty of time to spend together without the stress of getting ready for work or school. We spent most of the time at home relaxing and trying to enjoy the rest of the summer weather.

The time off allowed plenty of time to prepare for my older daughter’s birthday party. She  was full of ideas and I wanted to indulge as reasonable possible.  I told her I was going to make birthday cake. Immediately, she expressed her concerns about my ability to decorate the cake to be nice enough.  Her comment reminded me of David – she is truly her Father’s child, He also questioned my ability to make a birthday cake for her the first time I tried three years ago.

Her lack of confidence was the motivation I needed. I was determined to prove to her that I could decorate a cake nicely. The same way I wanted to prove the same thing to David three years ago.

I thank my children for always giving me reasons to be motivated and trying to be a better person. It reminds me of David – who always encouraged me to try harder when he knew I could do better.

The pictures below are my attempts at making cake. When David saw my first attempt, he laughed hysterically as he suggested that I should seriously consider calling a baker or try significantly harder. After improving my effort, he was impressed with the cake in the second picture. The last picture is the cake I made for my daughter’s recent birthday and she was so happy with it.

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When grief strikes

09 Wednesday Jul 2014

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It is hard to predict when grief will strike. Seemingly normal or happy occasions can rapidly turn into very sad moments of grief.

I wrote previously about looking forward to watch the July 4th fireworks with the girls. I had assumed that since the day had gone quite well, they would also have a good evening and enjoying the fireworks. Once we found a good vantage point to see the fireworks, the girls were quite excited to see the sky light up.  A few minutes into the show, my younger daughter stormed off saying “Daddy is never going to see the fireworks ever again” and started crying. This had an immediate ripple effect with my older daughter saying “now I am sad too because I miss my Daddy”.

My older daughter was so upset and when into a complete state of sadness.  She cried as she asked why Daddy did not get better. She believed he was going to get better. She said she even wished upon a shooting star that he got better and her wish did not come true. Why did he have to die she asked?

At this point we were all so sad, she asked about stories of Daddy to help make her feel better but I was to sad too even think or share any stories. Thankfully, my Mom came to the rescue and shared a story of about David kindness and compassion. After she was done, my daughter said, “thank you Grandma, I feel better now”.

I realized that the fireworks triggered memories with their Dad which resulted in grief. This affirms how we carry this boulder of grief around in everything we do. We can never anticipate when it will overpower us during seemingly normal or even happy moments. Our grief at that point was so overpowering, I was so weakened by it to the extend that I was unable to share a story about David even though it will have helped make the girls feel better. This was definitely a low moment and I was thankful my Mother was able to help.

Today, I choose to be happy

16 Friday May 2014

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On Wednesday, I woke up around 2 am and was reflecting on how difficult this month has been for me. I also believed that my sadness was rubbing off on the girls. I was emotionally drained and felt the need to fight back as I said to myself, today is going to be a good day, I am going to choose to be happy.

When I got out bed later that morning I had the  same mindset. I went around that day making this continuos decision to be happy because even in my sadness there is still so much for me to be grateful for. Overall, I had a decent day, so far the best day this month. I stuck to this mindset on Thursday. I was even brave enough to listen to some of our songs. Songs that trigger memories of David and our lives together, they are songs make me cry lately but rather than crying I sang along with a smile as I remembered the good memories.

I believe my children could tell the difference in me over the last two days and they also seemed happier. Last night they gave me one of the happiest moments as my older daughter said “you are turning into Daddy because you make everything fun”. My heart was filled with joy, it was way past bedtime but I could not resist the urge to do something extra fun so I made a late night delight (strawberry with melted chocolate for dipping). Their eyes sparkled with joy as they said thank you, thank you endlessly.  I went to bed a happy Mommy with two very happy girls.

In the tribute I wrote about David for the funeral, I started with a quote that “the happiest people do not have the best of everything, they make the best of everything”. This truly reflected who my husband was, a very happy man. I always gave him due credit for our happy children. I hope that some of his charisma will stick with me and allow me to continue to find how to be happy in the midst of our sadness.

While I was able to choose to be happy, I realize I cannot choose when to be sad. When the sadness comes, it is overpowering and overwhelming. I just hope I have enough courage and hope to get through the sadness.

On this Mother’s Day

11 Sunday May 2014

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On this Mother’s day, I recognize so many of the amazing Mothers I know. I thank God for my amazing Mother and my  children who allow me to experience this wonderful blessing of motherhood. Girls, I love being your mother.

Today, I am so grateful for David’s Mother. She is very kind hearted with a beautiful smile. She always makes people feel welcome and loved. She is the reason that David was so sweet and affectionate. David always talked about all the wonderful things his Mommy did for him growing up. A lot of them were memories of little things that made his childhood extra special. Such as making green eggs and ham based on the Dr Suess book. Or giving him a bowl full of sugar to dip strawberries, or sticking pretzel sticks into a banana. His eyes twinkled with the excitement of a little boy when he shared some of the memories. I remember his happiness whenever we visited and his Mom had his favorite beef stew ready.

She is a woman of grace, a woman who still believes in the elegance of the past decades. Some of her taste in decor and jewelry has rubbed off on me.  My Sister and I jokingly refer to me as a 1950s wife based on my fondness for some of the retro/vintage things from that era. Many of the decor in our home are gifts David’s Mom has given us over the years. I hope to take care of them with the same great care so that my daughters can also enjoy having them in the future. This would further help in preserving David’s legacy.

Most especially, I admire David’s Mother’s strength. She has experienced one of the greatest loss in life, losing her dear son. A son who loved his mother to no end. A son who always brighten the house the moment he walked in to visit his parents. He knew just how to make his parent laugh and how to tease his mother until she believed he needed a smack. Despite her loss and the other personal challenges she has faced including the passing of David’s Dad last year, she continues to be very graceful, loving, and caring. She worries about my well-being and about her grandchildren – they are so dear to her heart.

I admire her for being a wonderful mother, grandmother, and wife. I admire how she filled their home with so much love. I recall David once saying that “even though my Mom worked, I always remember her being present”. This reflected how she was always active in his life and helping make the best memories. Hopefully, I can raise my daughters to say the same thing about me in the future.

A big thank you to my daughters (cough Sister) for the beautiful flowers. Also, the Mother’s day art and crafts they made. Thank you to everyone for Mother’s day messages, your calls and the cards. A very Happy Mother’s Day to all.

Mommy, are you happy?

30 Wednesday Apr 2014

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Mommy, are you happy? This is a question my younger daughter asked me today.

When I think of happy time, I think of 2010 (at least most of that year). David and I had figured out how to balance parenthood with our lifestyle. We were overjoyed with the pleasure of parenthood and ready to have our second child. We were happy with each other, Life was GREAT, just like we wanted. There were lots of laughter, lots of fun, less arguments. I also started exploring and expanding on some old and new passion including photography and sewing.

Her question reminded me of conversation with my older daughter in December when she was laughing hysterically about something her younger Sister did that was funny. After she was done laughing, the following conversation ensued:

“DD: Mommy does not laugh

Me: You don’t think Mommy laughs

DD: No, I only hear you cry

Me: Wow

DD: If you have laughed, it had been a long time and I cannot remember.”

This conversation took place within days of opening up to her about David illness and the fact that he was not getting better.  It was a painful conversation with lots of tears, it was the first time she ever saw me cry as far I knew. Until then we tried to protect the girls from most of the facts about David’s illness. Until then, even David and I had chosen to remain optimistic.

What was striking about the conversation is that I could never have imagined she felt that way, we did everything to ensure the happiness of the girls and always tried to put on a happy face.  It affirmed how perceptive children are, even when we thought we were shielding them, she knew more about me than I even knew as I tried to reflect on the last time I had a genuine laugh.

I know what happiness should feel like and I know I can be happy. I have lots of reasons to be happy, especially thanks to my daughters who bring so much joy to me and remind me of the best attributes of David.

Where is my Daddy?

29 Tuesday Apr 2014

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“Where is my Daddy”? is a question that my younger daughter is asking more and more lately.

Due to her younger age, I know that she is more likely to forget things about David and this is certainly something I would like to prevent. In fact, I have a strange sense of relief when she cries for him since it reinforces the fact that she is remembering him and missing him.

Considering her age, she also does not understand the finality of death and she keeps expecting David to come back home.  On our vacation, she wanted to come home to Daddy, when we are home, she continues to ask, where is Daddy? I remember one day when she said “Daddy is at the door”, I took her to the door and she said, “Daddy, where are you?”, then she looked through the peephole and concluded that “Daddy has gone for a walk”. Her older Sister came by and said “Silly you, Daddy is not there, he is way way up in the sky”. She said that knowing that this is the usual way her Sister perceives their Dad’s absence.

Lately, she seems even more keen about wanting her Daddy and trying to understand where he is and my latest response that Daddy is in her heart seemed to have left her puzzled. I think I need to stick with her general perception that Daddy is in the sky.

I do not know at what age she will understand that Daddy is not coming back home but I need to ensure that like her older Sister, she continues to remember David and hold on to his memories.

So thankful I kept the jacket

27 Sunday Apr 2014

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img_123a My older daughter was the first one out of bed this morning and she went downstairs waiting for me to come and join her.  Soon after, she ran upstairs with the biggest smile on her face, she was wearing David’s Military jacket.

Since David had expressed the desire to be buried in his military outfit, it was the jacket I planned to have him buried in. I had such a hard time letting go of the jacket, it reminded me so much of part of who David was. I cried nonstop the morning the funeral home director said she was coming over to get it since I had ignored all her requests to bring in his outfit. I previously posted here about my struggle to let go of the jacket thinking I was going to let it go.

As I cried my Sister and Mother were there to console me. And I recall my Sister saying that if David knows it means this much to you, he will not expect you to part with the jacket.  That was so true, immediately, I felt relieved and I went to pick another top for him.  For a moment I did not want to part with that one too but I realized that i needed to let go.

The fresh pressed jacket had been in the basement and I took it the family room yesterday as I tried to determine how best to preserve it. Clearly, it was the first thing my daughter saw this morning and she put it on. It was the joy I needed to start my day. I asked her how she felt wearing it and she said “I feel happy wearing it. I want to put it in my room. I want to wear it to school tomorrow because it is my Daddy’s outfit”.

Soon after she ran off and went back downstairs. I went to her room and found the jacket on the floor, a perfect storage location by her standard. I gladly picked it up and put it away safely. I am so happy with the decision to hold on to the jacket.