This is my story, this is my song

09 Friday May 2014

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I can think of at least four or five of my dear friends that will cringe as they see the title of this post. They know it is part of the lyric to a song that I sang often and it makes me cry. They thought they successfully got me to stop, sadly, I find myself singing or humming the song lately.

I cannot recall how many times I have cried singing that song. Mostly in the shower since it was a place of escape where I could cry in privacy and also think long and hard. I dreamed of a cure, I reflected on our lives before the diagnosis, I thought of my mistakes, things I wish I had done differently, our daughters and their Dad that they love so dearly. I also had great moments of darkness, as I thought of the unthinkable, how can there be life without David? The mere thought that David may not overcome the disease was an unbearable one. How could I ever function in such a world?

Two days before the funeral, I was overwhelmed with emotions and went to take a shower. I stood there crying and singing my sad song. I realized that what I always feared and knew to be unbearable had happened. I would have to bury David. How was I suppose to do that? How can there be life without David?

As I stepped out of the shower, my Sister and these dear friends were there to console me. They knew when to listen and what to say. However, they insisted I must stop singing that song since it only triggered sadness. Resiliently, I told them that I could not stop because it is my story and it is a sad story. They did not accept my response. Eventually, they lightened the mood, brought some smile, and helped me get ready for the trip.

Thanks Ladies for being amazing and getting me through some of my biggest despair.

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Coping with hard days

06 Tuesday May 2014

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Some days are just more difficult than others. This month, almost everyday has been rough. Hopefully, I can turn this around soon. I am struggling to find some comfort or a good distraction. I cleaned the garage yesterday, at the time it felt therapeutic, however I felt sad later that I was doing something David should have been doing. Also, seeing his car just sitting in the garage motionless for months was a sad reminder of life without David.

Unlike some days, I have not been able to fight the urge to cry. I found myself crying in the cafeteria at work today, what horror! So many random things have set me off. Why does this week seem extra hard? Is this the logically progression of grief or is it also due to my apprehension about our upcoming anniversary?

I struggle to understand why people at times perceive me to be strong. Based on the context, I am usually grateful, other times puzzled, and in some cases angered.  Angry mostly at myself since I realize that I may be portraying a false perception of my reality. Rather than walking around downcast, I try to cope with David’s loss with courage in public and have a regular demeanor. For me, walking around downcast will only add more sadness and frustration. This however does not reflect my current reality, one that has lots of pain, anger, sadness, and tears. One that is also brightened by my daughters, family, and friends.

Skates and Bicycle

06 Tuesday May 2014

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It is no surprise that my daughters like to skate considering that David was an avid skater. The girls used to put on David’s skates and play in his office. About two years ago, he eventually bought them their first pair of roller skates. He would have loved to teach them how to skate. My older one is very keen to learn now, on the weekends, she wakes up earlier than her Sister on the weekends so that I can “try” to teach her without interruption.

Of course my teaching skills are completely questionable considering that I do not think I can skate confidently. Years of not skating has made me apprehensive about skating again. How can I teach something I no longer think I can do? Skating will always be so dear to my heart since that is how I met David as I wrote in this blogpost. Hopefully, her interest in skating will motivate me to get back on the roller skates. It will be nice to be able to skate with my daughters.

It turns out that I have told my daughter too many times that I met her Dad at a roller skating rink, the last time she had her skates on, I said did you know that I met your Dad at the roller staking rink, she gave me a cynical look as she said “again, you have told me this like a thousand times”.

My older daughter is also keen on biking without her training wheels on. David got her a bicycle without training wheels over two years ago. I have a feeling I will be spending a good bit of time teaching both of them what should have been David’s duty – how to skate and for my older daughter how to bike without training wheels.

David was so patient and also technical in his teaching approach, he also taught them to do things with little or no inhibition. For me, my first aim in teaching is to protect them from getting hurt saying things like “don’t do that you will fall”, this probably interferes with teaching. I am also quite a visual person and try to explain things simply the way I see it without accounting for the laws of physics. I hope my approach will work.

Below is a pictures of David teaching our younger daughter to bike.

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My mayday alert

01 Thursday May 2014

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May is a month that we celebrated many special occasions. It is the month of my birthday, the month we got married, the month for celebrating mother’s day. June is equally special, it is the month of David’s birthday and father’s day. Additionally, it is the month of daughter’s birthday and my Dad’s birthday.

David was big on celebrating every occasion. May was my month and June was his month. I received multiple cards for each occasion and there was usually a personal touch or an element of surprise. June was David’s month but I could never top anything David did for me. Like David I will buy more than one card for each occasion but unlike David I was really bad at personalizing the cards. In fact, I still have some cards that I never gave him. He used to joke that he will write his cards for himself.

I enter this month wondering how I will hold up as each of these occasion occur. I am most concerned with how I will handle our anniversary, David’s birthday, and father’s day. For our anniversary, I think I will take the day off work.

For David’s birthday I will ask my older daughter for suggestions on what to do. In February, she asked that “since Daddy is gone, can we still celebrate his birthday?”. I hope we can find something to do to make it a meaningful day. For father’s day, if they are doing any father’s day projects at school, I will ask that my daughters do the same projects in honor of their Dad.

Mommy, are you happy?

30 Wednesday Apr 2014

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Mommy, are you happy? This is a question my younger daughter asked me today.

When I think of happy time, I think of 2010 (at least most of that year). David and I had figured out how to balance parenthood with our lifestyle. We were overjoyed with the pleasure of parenthood and ready to have our second child. We were happy with each other, Life was GREAT, just like we wanted. There were lots of laughter, lots of fun, less arguments. I also started exploring and expanding on some old and new passion including photography and sewing.

Her question reminded me of conversation with my older daughter in December when she was laughing hysterically about something her younger Sister did that was funny. After she was done laughing, the following conversation ensued:

“DD: Mommy does not laugh

Me: You don’t think Mommy laughs

DD: No, I only hear you cry

Me: Wow

DD: If you have laughed, it had been a long time and I cannot remember.”

This conversation took place within days of opening up to her about David illness and the fact that he was not getting better.  It was a painful conversation with lots of tears, it was the first time she ever saw me cry as far I knew. Until then we tried to protect the girls from most of the facts about David’s illness. Until then, even David and I had chosen to remain optimistic.

What was striking about the conversation is that I could never have imagined she felt that way, we did everything to ensure the happiness of the girls and always tried to put on a happy face.  It affirmed how perceptive children are, even when we thought we were shielding them, she knew more about me than I even knew as I tried to reflect on the last time I had a genuine laugh.

I know what happiness should feel like and I know I can be happy. I have lots of reasons to be happy, especially thanks to my daughters who bring so much joy to me and remind me of the best attributes of David.

Where is my Daddy?

29 Tuesday Apr 2014

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“Where is my Daddy”? is a question that my younger daughter is asking more and more lately.

Due to her younger age, I know that she is more likely to forget things about David and this is certainly something I would like to prevent. In fact, I have a strange sense of relief when she cries for him since it reinforces the fact that she is remembering him and missing him.

Considering her age, she also does not understand the finality of death and she keeps expecting David to come back home.  On our vacation, she wanted to come home to Daddy, when we are home, she continues to ask, where is Daddy? I remember one day when she said “Daddy is at the door”, I took her to the door and she said, “Daddy, where are you?”, then she looked through the peephole and concluded that “Daddy has gone for a walk”. Her older Sister came by and said “Silly you, Daddy is not there, he is way way up in the sky”. She said that knowing that this is the usual way her Sister perceives their Dad’s absence.

Lately, she seems even more keen about wanting her Daddy and trying to understand where he is and my latest response that Daddy is in her heart seemed to have left her puzzled. I think I need to stick with her general perception that Daddy is in the sky.

I do not know at what age she will understand that Daddy is not coming back home but I need to ensure that like her older Sister, she continues to remember David and hold on to his memories.

So thankful I kept the jacket

27 Sunday Apr 2014

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img_123a My older daughter was the first one out of bed this morning and she went downstairs waiting for me to come and join her.  Soon after, she ran upstairs with the biggest smile on her face, she was wearing David’s Military jacket.

Since David had expressed the desire to be buried in his military outfit, it was the jacket I planned to have him buried in. I had such a hard time letting go of the jacket, it reminded me so much of part of who David was. I cried nonstop the morning the funeral home director said she was coming over to get it since I had ignored all her requests to bring in his outfit. I previously posted here about my struggle to let go of the jacket thinking I was going to let it go.

As I cried my Sister and Mother were there to console me. And I recall my Sister saying that if David knows it means this much to you, he will not expect you to part with the jacket.  That was so true, immediately, I felt relieved and I went to pick another top for him.  For a moment I did not want to part with that one too but I realized that i needed to let go.

The fresh pressed jacket had been in the basement and I took it the family room yesterday as I tried to determine how best to preserve it. Clearly, it was the first thing my daughter saw this morning and she put it on. It was the joy I needed to start my day. I asked her how she felt wearing it and she said “I feel happy wearing it. I want to put it in my room. I want to wear it to school tomorrow because it is my Daddy’s outfit”.

Soon after she ran off and went back downstairs. I went to her room and found the jacket on the floor, a perfect storage location by her standard. I gladly picked it up and put it away safely. I am so happy with the decision to hold on to the jacket.

Your father was an American hero

24 Thursday Apr 2014

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“Your father was an American hero” were the closing remarks to my daughters by the Military Chaplin that officiated the interment service for David, my beloved husband, an amazing father and son.

The word “hero” was something David did not use lightly, he was normally baffled when the media paraded someone as a hero for doing what he considered their job, civic duty, or social responsibility. He will never have considered himself a hero. David loved his country and as an Air Force Veteran, he proudly served his nation at all expense.

In death, he was honored as a true servant to the nation, he now rests with other comrades, many that fell in service to the nation. The military gave him a very befitting funeral – one that he earned as a result of his service to the nation. No doubt it was a day filled with emotions, it was also a day that reinforced my pride in David and certainly one that I hope his children will forever remember and be proud to know how selfless their Dad was.

I had the event photographed and videographed. I have no idea if or when I will ever be brave enough to watch the video but at least it is available if the girls ever want to watch it and perhaps it will help them find comfort and a sense of pride seeing that their Daddy was laid to rest with prestigious honors.

Days following the funeral as my daughter remembered the closing remarks from the Military Chaplin, she said to her younger Sister that since Daddy was an American hero, that makes us American princesses.

Below are some very dear and intimate pictures from David’s burial.

 

The Goodness of people

24 Thursday Apr 2014

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The pictures above reflect some of the random acts of kindness and thoughtfulness we have received recently from people simply based on reading the blog and recognizing my children’s interest in rainbows, painting, and art.

Each time I received a surprise care package in the mail, I am again overwhelmed with gratitude. I am reminded that David always believed in the goodness of people and I can truly attest to this more now than ever. Your love and support has been unprecedented. I really appreciate that people have not stopped thinking about us and the extreme difficulty of trying to cope with the loss of David.  Almost three months later, while life continues as business as usual for most in the world, the kindness and support continues – people are still calling, coming over to visit, and providing support in many ways as mention in a previous post.

These care packages have really brighten the home, the rainbow cookie was gone within seconds. The girls now have a rainbow that lights up the ceiling in their room at bedtime, and a rainbow decal on the wall over the bed. The Easter baskets came in so handy this weekend. It allowed the girls to have lots of fun decorating eggs and also to have an egg hunt. This was the first time we did an egg hunt at home, I was not planning to but my older daughter was really interested in either going somewhere in search of Easter eggs or as she suggested doing one at home. Luckily, the Easter care basket included everything we needed to have our very own egg hunt outside. The excitement on their faces as they found the eggs was priceless. I am ever grateful for everyone and everything that has been done by so many people that have helped in making my children happy. Thank you!

 

David the runner

22 Tuesday Apr 2014

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Now that the weather is getting nicer, I have started seeing a number of people running. I cannot help feeling the pain of David’s loss as I look at them running and appearing so carefree and energized. I am reminder of my dear David, who was an avid runner. He craved running, it was stress relief, it was liberating, and it energized him.

David enjoyed running, swimming, biking, and weight lifting. While it is hard to say which one he liked the most, I believe running gave him the greatest satisfaction. He enjoyed the runner’s high. He had running gear for all seasons, – come rain, come snow, he ran. He always said he had his best run in the rain.

At his peak, he used to average between 10 to 12 miles a day and ran about five days a week. He competed against himself, always trying to break his previous record. He planned on running in the NYC marathon. I asked him once why he was so committed to exercising and he said he was inspired by the birth of our first child to stay in top shape.

Sadly, the microscopic blood noted in David’s urine, a symptom of bladder cancer was simply attributed to the fact that he was an avid runner – a non-serious condition also known as runner’s hematuria. I recall that as the disease progressed, David was upset that despite all his efforts to stay healthy and in top form, he had cancer and the Doctors failed to diagnose it early. However, due to his overall physical and mental wellbeing, I always believed that if anyone could overcome the disease, it was certainly David.

Below is an image of an email David sent me with the details of one of his best run time and a lesson he learned the following day:

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