Surviving Christmas

28 Sunday Dec 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, ,

with David's Mom

with David’s Mom

Christmas last year was a very trying one since David was already quite sick and in hospice care at home. My wish was that he was alive for Christmas. I knew that if he passed away on Christmas day, I was not going to inform anyone. I was determined to not have our daughters associate Christmas Day with the death of their Dad.  Luckily, David felt the same way and survived Christmas.

I recall as he watched them opening their gifts with joy, it was the first year our youngest daughter began to appreciate the excitement of opening her gifts. It was also sad to watch as I realized it would likely be the last time he would see them open their presents.

In preparation for Christmas this year, I just kept busy. I did not allow any down time, it was an avoidance mechanism to prevent the crippling sadness that was ripping me apart inside. On the day, I was happy with the outcome as we enjoyed Christmas lunch with family and friends. I was so grateful that David’s Mom was able to join us and her presence was a nice reminder of David who had many of his Mom’s attributes.

Thanks to everyone that helped make the day special and the gifts of love, time and presents you shared with my daughters and me.

25 Dec Forever

27 Saturday Dec 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, ,

the forever Christmas card

the forever Christmas card

Earlier this month when I brought out Christmas decorations for the house, I found a large envelope with old Christmas cards. They were mostly cards David had given me and our daughters for Christmas a few years ago.

The card that struck the most emotion was the card he got for the girls. The message was beautiful but most of all, he dated it “25 Dec Forever” as pictured above. This brought me some sense of joy even in my sadness because one of my biggest regrets is not coming to terms with the fact that David would died prematurely from cancer. I think that if I had come to terms with it, it would have allowed him to better prepare and leave messages, cards, or notes for our daughters.

The card was written in the earlier stages of the disease and I am thankful that I did not notice it then. At that time, I would have been upset that he would date a card as such and I would even have tried to make him edit it and said something like why are you preparing like you are not going to be around to watch them grow up

The card had a beautiful message and advice to the girls on growing up and finding their path to happiness, wisdom, and success and ended with a final message that “but there’s is one gift I can give you this Christmas that will always be with you – and that’s the love of a proud parent’s heart”.

This message resonates a lot. He loves his daughters with no bounds. They know it, they miss it, it makes it his absence even more difficult to bear. Yet, it is all we have to sustain us and that love will go on in our hearts forever.

No new photos, just memories

21 Sunday Dec 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , ,

One of the things I do to comfort myself is to look at pictures of our life with David. I especially liked looking at the pictures he took on his phone because it felt like I was looking at things through David’s eyes. Overall, his phone became my priced possession with so many things reminding me of him.

Several months ago, I lost the phone. It was unthinkable, I thought it was just misplaced and that I would find it. I was afraid to ransack the whole house in fear that I would have a complete breakdown if I did not find it. I eventually searched the house with no luck. I took my car to the dealership and had them remove the seats and look in any possible crevices for the phone. Still the phone was no where to be found.

It was lost, I had a meltdown, I felt like I was losing something that allowed a physical connection to David. At that point, my Sister reminded me that even though the phone was lost, David was good about backing things up and that we should be able to restore anything he backed up.

We looked on the computer and found possible back up for the phone. I was unable to restore the phone until I had an extra phone but it helped me keep my sanity that there may be hope in restoring most of the content of David’s phone.

Last week, my Sister used her old phone to restore David’s phone and most things were restored from his backup. His last backup was May 13, 2013, our anniversary. I had a huge sense of relief and spent most of the night going through the phone, looking at pictures, and reading text messages we sent to each other over the years.

Viewing the pictures also brought a great amount of sadness. I realize how much our lives have changed and how much fun David used to have with the girls. I tried to click slower as I approached the end of the album because I knew it would be the end of pictures of my daughters with their Dad.

Now, all we have are memories, no new pictures with Daddy for almost a year. David, how I wish you were here to take pictures of the girls as they played in your office. How I wish you were here to record them as you made them laugh so hard. How I wish you were here to take pictures with me!

One of the things I now appreciate the most about the pictures David took was that they simply reflected our life as it was and not like my pictures that are more staged for the camera. He used to tell me not to delete any of the pictures especially those that I believed looked less glorious.

Below is a picture of the girls from David phone.

IMG_92

Christmas Magic

11 Thursday Dec 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Today, we felt a bit of Christmas magic.

As we drove through town, both my daughters eyes lit up as they admired the Christmas lights and decorations. The lights have been there since the beginning of the month and for some reason today, it brought a deeper sense of joy to them. My younger daughter said “I love the place, it is Christmas time. It makes me happy.”And my older daughter followed and said “This is what makes me happy about Christmas”.

Their comments immediately brought me some happiness considering all the sad moments we have been experiencing. My older daughter has been crying lately saying that nothing will make her happy about Christmas and that she will be sad on Christmas Day because all she wants is her Daddy. Equally saddening was my younger daughter standing next to Santa and whispering to me that she wants her Daddy for Christmas. She also told me previously that her Daddy will be her Christmas present for me.

I know there will be other sad moments as Christmas approaches but today as they expressed how the Christmas lights and decorations made them happy, I asked them to remember how they are feeling at this moment when they feel sad about Christmas. Not because it will ease the pain but simply because when we are feeling sad the despair seems so much and it hard to imagine that there are moments of happiness.

How I wish Christmas magic would bring David back.

O Christmas tree

06 Saturday Dec 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, ,

The last tree we picked with David

It is the season no doubt. I have anticipated it for a while and I am determined to make it is as good as possible for the girls and hopefully myself.

David had a strong preference for fresh Christmas trees from the farm. He liked the smell and the experience of going to get the tree. In our previous home, with two kids and all their toys and baby gear, we did not have enough room for a full size tree. David was undeterred and determined to still pick a decent size fresh tree for the house. I was skeptical and not thrilled about the idea but he insisted that he will make it work and he did. We picked up the tree and he had a significant amount of the branches in the back cut off. This allowed us to fit it against a wall and it turned out looking very good. In fact, it was hard to tell that a significant amount was cut off the back. That was my David – always coming up with solutions.

For the first Christmas in our new house, he was so thrilled that he did not have to cut the branches to make space and he joked that he was going to get the largest tree he could find and set it right in the middle of the room. I remember the day we picked up the tree. We went as a family and decorated it with the traditional ornaments and some the more sentimental ornaments with personal messages of love and family. It was a good day and he was so happy to have enough space for the tree.

Last year, I had no desire to get a tree and about 10 days before Christmas my older daughter asked why we still did not have our tree. Painfully, I went to the farm on my own and picked up a tree. My only criteria was that I needed to be able to carry it alone. When I got home, I decided to move the location of the tree to different location from the previous year to allow David to enjoy seeing it. The tree turned out fine and David beamed proudly that I was able to do it.

In some ways the experience of getting the tree last year helped prepare me for picking our tree without David this year. We picked our tree and was I was determined to decorate it to satisfaction. The tree is up, the girls are happy with it, it looks nice but I still feel like I am missing something. I think I just need David to say that it is perfect. He always told me when I was going overboard or when I needed to do more.

Below is a picture from 2012 when we picked our Christmas tree, complete as a family. It was the last Christmas tree we picked with David.

In the arms of an Angel

30 Sunday Nov 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , ,

IMG_91

The song “In the arms of an Angel” has been playing in my head for most of the weekend. I tried to resist the urge to download it but I could not. I listened to it knowing it would make me cry and it did.

It is one of the songs from the soundtrack of the movie “City of Angels”. It is a movie David and I watched several years ago. David liked the story a lot, in fact he selected it and made me watch it. It is a story of love {SPOILER ALERT}, about an angel who gave up his immortality just to be with the woman he loved. Sadly, the woman died soon after he became a mortal being. When asked if he regretted the decision to be mortal, he responded that he would rather one moment with her than an eternity without her.

That was the punchline for David and he used to tell me that he would have done the same thing for me and give up anything without regrets. He was truly a romantic guy and fondly told me he was hopelessly in love.

I have avoided watching any movies or shows that David and I used to enjoy together knowing it would only bring tears and sadness. Well last night, I was on the slippery slope and after crying to the first song, I listened to another song “Iris” from the movie and that brought more tears. As the evening progressed, I could not resist the urge to watch the movie. I thought I would be a complete basket case watching it but I was not. As I watched the love unfold, I focused more on the love story and rather than the sadness of the premature death. I felt encouraged by the love I shared with David and believing that he is in the arms of the angels and also hoping that somehow he was watching over me.

Thankful for what?

27 Thursday Nov 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

,

Thankful for what? I have asked myself this question often and with thanksgiving approaching I keep thinking of the question.

Thanksgiving is one of the holidays David and I enjoyed a lot. We looked forward to the time off, we typically spent the time with family starting with his parents and then with my family. I remember fondly how we joked after dinner about who will go out as early as 3 am in search of black friday deals (it was never us).

In 2010, thanksgiving day became a day I remember with great pain. It was the day David told me there was something wrong. It was the day, I feared he had cancer and was immediately afraid of what that could mean. It was the beginning of a fight fought with great hope and determination.

I believed that by 2011 thanksgiving, we would be able to rejoice and be thankful that the cancer was permanently cured. Sadly, it was short lived. In 2012, we were already dealing with the reoccurrence of the bladder cancer but that did not stop us from enjoying thanksgiving, it provided a glimpse of what thanksgiving should be like as we celebrated in our new home with family. We made fried turkey and it was such a fun experience. I remember his shock as I said we will make fried turkey in an oilless frier. It sounded like hocus pocus but David went along with the plan and was eager to try the new gadget. We marveled at how well the turkey looked and tasted, he really had fun making it that he made turkey again on Christmas day.

Sadly, thanksgiving in 2013 was a very different story as my dear David was on admission at the hospital. My brain was flood with sadness and fear, I had no appetite. In fact, there were moments that I forgot it was thanksgiving day. Thanks to my Sister who came to the house with thanksgiving dinner. It was impossible for me to enjoy the meal and I went back to the hospital to be with David.

This year, I started thinking of thanksgiving very early, how can my daughters and I get by with David gone. I needed to avoid our typical tradition of thanksgiving. I was not ready to make a turkey without David, the thought was too painful. I decided to take my daughters to NYC in hopes that we can watch the Macys thanksgiving parade. It was something David and I planned to do in 2009 when our older daughter was one but we changed our mind due to the weather and also realizing that it would be hard to navigate the city with a stroller. So this thanksgiving, I am braving the weather in NYC with my family.

Today and each day, I have a lot of the thankful for:

  • I am thankful for love, the love I had from David, a love that continues to sustain me.
  • I am thankful for the unconditional love I have for my children and for the love they show me.
  • I am thankful for the love my Mom and Dad show/showed me, the one that helped shaped who I am today.
  • I am thankful for my Sister and Brothers, the love of growing up in a family with four children that made us learn early in life how to share and care.
  • I am thankful for David’s Mom, her love, her grace, and her help in sharing David’s legacy with his children.
  • I am thankful friendship. My older friends that have stuck with me in the good and the bad and the new friends I have made in the face of adversity that have shown me the goodness of people.
  • I am thankful for my extended family – a very big one with amazing Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins that show their love and support.
  • I am thankful that I have had the determination to wake up each day and try to make the best of the day.
  • I am thankful for our home “the house that David built“, it is a place of solace and comfort.

I have a lot to be thankful for, I only wish David being alive and well is one of them.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Colder, darker, and harder

20 Thursday Nov 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

David and the girls after putting up the Christmas tree

It is now getting colder, daylight is considerably shorter. The darkness coupled with the coldness is making things gloomier. Additionally, we are approaching the holiday season which I know can also compound grief.

In fact, my older daughter has expressed her frustration about Christmas. She is very sad that her Dad will not be home and her crying seems to be even more frequent. She has repeatedly said that all she wants for Christmas is her Daddy and nothing else. She said she want to be able to hold him. She is sad that any christmas picture we take will be incomplete without Daddy so she does not know if she wants to take any Christmas pictures.

I have also found myself to be more frustrated and irritable lately. I have even been upset at the girls as they whine about minutia or inform me that Daddy was never upset with them. I have had to remind my daughters that even Daddy was upset with them when they were not behaving.

In addition to the colder, darker weather, I know one key reason I have been very frustrated and sad lately is because we are approaching the one year mark of the period when the illness took the worst turn. The week leading to thanksgiving last year was the beginning of a very sad, cold and dark period. It began when I had to call an ambulance to help transport David to the hospital and I realized it was likely his last trip to the hospital and I was completely afraid that he will never come back home. I wondered in a daze at what was happening to our lives and how me and my daughters were suppose to function or cope in a world without David.

A key part of how I function is trying to repress some of the ordeal we (especially David) went through between the end of November through January 2014 but  lately these memories keep taunting my mind.

Missing that smile

12 Wednesday Nov 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, ,

IMG_88

The picture above sits on our mantle. I really like the picture because of David’s smile. Somedays, I look at it and smile and somedays I look at it and cry.  On this Veteran’s day I recall how David loved his country and proudly served in the Air force.

David loved being in the military, it was something he wanted to do since he was a young boy. Before joining the Air force, he was in the civil air patrol.  When we met, his pride and love for country were very clear.

When he decided to leave the service, he believed the timing was right. I was probably happier than he was. I was very happy because it also allowed us to spend more time together and I was relieved that I would not have to worry as much about him being away on duty.

Although David left the service, his heart never really left. It remained a big part of who he was. Many of his mannerisms and actions were a reflection of the discipline and training he had in the service. I always told him his employers were lucky to have him. Every project was treated like a mission, with the greatest focus and attention until it was done. He always had a plan for everything, including a plan for dying – this was way before he was diagnosed with bladder cancer.

After the diagnosis, we tried to understand what may have caused the cancer. There was no explanation based on lifestyle or family history. One key cause of bladder cancer is exposure to chemical toxins from smoking but David was not a smoker. So we wondered if he was unknowingly exposed to toxins while in the service.

He once expressed his frustration that the cancer may have been caused by such exposure while in service as he questioned why it did not result in an earlier onset of the disease before he had every reason to live or later in life after he got to watch our children grow up. His frustration was based on the timing of the disease. He never questioned or regretted his decision to serve. He always spoke about the Air force with great reverence.

At his burial, as he was laid to rest by other members of the Air force, I had a better understanding of the prestige and the charm he always felt as he talked about being a Veteran.

Getting the job I wanted

04 Tuesday Nov 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, ,

Recently, someone asked me what I do at work and as I explained, I remembered that it was David that helped me get my first job in the industry.

Soon after graduating from college, I realized that most of the jobs I was interested in required 3 to 5 years of work experience as a result I was getting limited or no response to the jobs I applied for.

One day, I saw a posting for a job I really wanted that fitted my skill set. I mentioned it to David and asked if he could help get the company to look at my resume. He succeeded in reaching in HR Manager and also getting him to look at my resume. Soon enough I had an interview at the company and was hired.

David was successfully in making the contact based on his personality and expertise. It was not because he had any direct contact within the company. He always had a way with people and could win over many. His voice was energetic and friendly. Like one of his friends wrote in a tribute to David, he never met a stranger. He could easily find something to talk to anyone about. He frequently said to me “you can get more with honey than vinegar”.

Thank you David for always believing in me and seeing the best in me.

Below is a picture of David and me on my first business trip.

IMG_87