Sad even when happy

01 Saturday Mar 2014

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Yesterday, I took the girls to a play at the local community theatre.  The tickets were purchased a while back.  They were excited about going. Since I have taken them out to other shows or activities in the past year alone, I thought we could manage. The play was very well done, they enjoyed it, singing and dancing along. However, it was not void of the emotions of missing their Daddy. There were moments of sadness even while being happy.

Just before the show started, my younger daughter persistently asked, “Mommy, where is Daddy”. Frustrated she said “I want my Daddy now”, again she asked “Where is my Daddy” pounding lightly on my chest in annoyance. I told her Daddy was not here.  Pointing to the celling, she looked up and said, “Daddy is up in the sky”. She still had a questioning look on her face as she looked around the theater and noticed many other Daddies in the audience. It was clear to me that she was puzzled why these Dads are here and hers is up in the sky.

At intermission, my older daughter also said she missed her Dad. At the end of the show she wanted a souvenir that I did not buy because I told her she already had something similar at home. This was a very big mistake on my part as she cried hysterically in the car. Apparently something happened earlier in school that saddened her and my decision not to buy the doll trigger emotions from her rough day at school and also the loss of her Dad. She was so emotional that she said she is sad everyday since Daddy died. How can it be that my happy princess is sad everyday?

I regret the decision not to buy the doll.  While my goal is not to raise children that are overindulged, moving forward, I am suspending some of life’s little lesson to allow them as much sunshine and happiness because there is nothing left of me, if my children lose their sparkles and happiness.

I wish I could take their grief away and make it mine. I wish I can better prepare them for the series of emotions ahead and to understand that even in happiness the sadness of Daddy’s loss will be present. Beginning next week, we will start attending a grieving program focused on children….I hope this will help.

My Mommy, My Mother

27 Thursday Feb 2014

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Where would I be without you?

You have been there for me in everything. You know my temperament- the good, the bad, and the ugly. You were my outlet during a lot of the trials and tribulations as we dealt with David’s illness. When I broke down and knew I could not go on, you gave me the encouragement to carry on. You were a confidant to David, he told you things he couldn’t tell me because he worried about how I would handle it. You handled everything with your usual grace, assurance, faith, and calmness.

People often ask how we managed to maintain a normal routine at home and with our children as we battled David’s illness. You were definitely a key to this. You were the first person we informed about David’s illness and you were with us every step until the end.

Thank you for your patience and understanding. Thank you for the prayers, thank you for listening, thank you for making it possible for David to stay home until the end.  Thank you for showing David and I the extent of a Mother’s love, an unconditional love.

Your motherly and nurturing skills are beyond my abilities. I continue to learn from you and be inspired by you. I love you more than words can express. You are one in a million. I am truly blessed to have you as my Mommy, my Mother.

Peace

26 Wednesday Feb 2014

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The day after David’s funeral was the first time I woke up with a sense of peace.

Peace because he is in his final resting place.  Peace because he is no longer in pain. Peace because given the circumstance everything went well. Peace because I know I made the right decision by having the girls attend the funeral. Peace because of all the love and support we received.

And now for the first time I can say, my dearest David rest in peace.  Lullaby and goodnight to my sweet darling David.

Rainbows

25 Tuesday Feb 2014

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My daughter loves rainbows, in fact, she used to insist that rainbow was a color and one of her favorite colors.

In January, there were a couple of occasions that she will look outside from the living room and think she saw a rainbow.  I would look with her really closely and did not see it. I encouraged her that someday she will see a real rainbow.

Over the weekend, as family and friends gathered around in preparation to lay David to rest in his final resting place.  Many of us sat around the dining room, this truly is a very unusual place for us to sit since we are normally in the kitchen or the living room.  I had a view of the deck and suddenly, there it was a RAINBOW.  I squealed with joy to everyone that “there is a rainbow”.  It was as if it appeared from nowhere. We all gathered around looking and capturing the memory on our phones, and as quickly as it appeared it faded away. My daughters finally saw their first real rainbow, they were excited as were the adults.

The next day when I was crying in frustration stating that I really want to believe that David was watching over us, my Sister and my dearest friend encouraged me that he lives within us and I will always feel his presence.  They went on to say that they did not think the rainbow was coincidental 🙂

In the car on Sunday, randomly, my older daughter said, “I think my Dad was the one who made that rainbow”. She also affirmed that “that was the first time she saw a real rainbow”. I marveled with a smile also believing the rainbow was a reassuring sign of a God’s promise and immortality of David’s soul.

rainbow over the deck

rainbow over the deck

I am ANGRY

22 Saturday Feb 2014

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Today I am angry….

I am angry that I have to plan my husband’s funeral.

I am angry that I wrote a tribute to David instead of a birthday card or anniversary card.

I am angry that my daughters were also involved in writing tributes as were family and friends.

I am angry about talking about David in past sentence.

I am angry that I am seeing those closest and dearest to me under this circumstance.

I am angry that I talked to chaplains, pastors, funeral home directors in the context of David’s burial.

Most of all, I am angy that I have to see a casket with David’s body.

I am angry, I am very angry.

In all my anger, I am ever so grateful for all the love and support from my family and friends, it has been immeasurably abundant. You guys truly provide hope in the future.

Bath time without Daddy

20 Thursday Feb 2014

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Bath time without David is like Ernie without his rubber ducky, just not as much fun.

When the girls were newborns, my Mom gave them their bath since they seemed so fragile that I was too timid to do it. Once we fattened them up a bit, together, David and I bathed them. It was a special bonding time for the family. We have enjoyed this with the girls since infancy, we even mastered the art of minimizing post bath meltdown when dressing them up afterward. Truly, it was one of the times, we get to spend to undistracted family time (no iphone, iPad, TV etc).

As the disease progressed, David’s participation became less frequent. We  felt his absence because he always knew how to entertain them in the bath while I handled the business of getting them clean.

Last night at bath time, my younger daughter gave her Sister a broken toy asking that she should fix it. She tried fixing it to no avail and was so apologetic to her Sister that she could not fix it and said “I am so sorry it is broken, Daddy can fix it but he is dead”.

They both looked a bit down afterwards as I tried to cheer them up.  I also became down for the rest of the evening. As I talked to my younger one about her Dad at bed time she started crying and saying I want my Daddy.  While this was not the first time she has said I want my Daddy, this was the first time she was crying because he was not here.

Sometimes people say kids do not know what is going on, I am not convinced that this is accurate.  My younger one know that something is wrong, while she may not understand death, she knows he is gone.

Key life change

19 Wednesday Feb 2014

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Today, I called the benefit department at my office today to inform them of David’s passing. Somehow I remembered that they should be informed within 31 days of any key change in your life, perhaps it is because I have made changes with the birth of each of our children and also after getting married.  This change however is definitely an unwanted key life change.  

It was so hard listening to the lady tell me she has removed David from our health, dental, and vision benefit plan. This made me sad, in fact I was not even sure why I made the call. I felt like I was having to let go a part of David, I want to undo the conversation and just keep him on the benefit plan like nothing has changed.

The mind of children

18 Tuesday Feb 2014

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As the days pass, my older daughter especially is getting more emotional about the absence of her Dad.

One night after she watched the movie Brother Bear 2, I noticed she looked a bit emotional.  I asked what was wrong and she said nothing.  I pressed a little bit more and she said God will tell me.  I pleaded that she should share her thoughts with me. Finally she agreed and she said that “if you cannot change someone, you can change yourself”. Then she said she wants to be an angel so she can be with her Dad.

I was dumbfounded, that will teach me to make sure I sit with her and watch her movies. I told her that if she becomes an angel, she will no longer be with Mommy and her Sister. This brought tears as she said “I do not want to leave you and my Sister, I want Daddy to come back”. This brought more tears for both of us.

Later that night, my younger daughter was also missing her Dad, when she was getting ready for bed, she just kept saying “Daddy is back, Daddy is back”.

I understand the void they feel and it is certainly one I cannot fill. How I wish I could bring him back.

PS: Later, I read the plot of Brother bear two and I have a better understanding of the statement my older daughter made. In the movie, there was a male bear who wanted to turn into a human after reuniting with a human female from his childhood he grew fond of, however he could not change into a human and she decided to changed into a Bear.

Breaking the silence – the beginning

16 Sunday Feb 2014

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It was thanksgiving day in November 2010, like we did yearly, we were planning to visit David’s parents for lunch, then my Aunty/Uncle’s house for dinner.

I was about 8 weeks pregnant with our second child and my older daughter was watching the Macy’s thanksgiving parade.  Fatigued from the early stage of pregnancy, I eventually managed enough energy to take a shower in preparation for our road trip.  Shortly after I got in the shower, David came in and said he wanted to talk to me.  He looked serious, I immediately got concerned.  I already know he had seen his urologist in October but he had completely down played that it could potentially be serious.  Initially, he told me there was a 2 mm cyst in his bladder but now he told me it was closer to 2 cm and they were not sure what it was and he would need a CT scan to further assess.

I was overcome by fear probably because David also looked concerned and immediately feared the thought of raising our children alone. I went online and googled everything I could about my worst fear, bladder cancer. Eventually I relaxed a bit knowing that if caught early enough, bladder cancer could be cured. I made myself believe that at the worst it was bladder cancer in the early stage. We started feeling hopeful and dug ourselves out of the trenches but we knew we were not mentally ready to visit our families.  We stayed home without a thanksgiving meal, this was fine because we did not have an appetite.

The next day we visited our families but did not mention anything about what was weighing heavily on our minds. It would be until mid to late December that we would have a better idea of what we were up against.

This is one of several posts that will detail our experience with bladder cancer. A concise summary of the overall experience can be found in the blog post titled “breaking the silence”.

If life gives you snow…make snowman

15 Saturday Feb 2014

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our snowman

With the endless winter and unrelenting snow, the girls had one thing in mind…playing in the snow.  I had absolutely no desire to go outside much less the snow.  My dearest Sister, offered to take the girls out in the snow and as I watched them having fun, I found it in me to join in the snow games.

While outside my daughter rolled a big snowball then added to smaller balls on top and said “I am making a real life snowman” and then she asked for a scarf. Suddenly, I became inspired to make a snowman.  In fact, I was on mission to build a snowman like David would….close to perfect.  I no longer felt cold or wet in the snow, I felt energized.

When it was done, proudly, I yelled ” David I did it.”