Category Archives: Road to victory

Ignoring grief

31 Saturday May 2014

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In the midst of my despair, even when I could not say much or barely think, I recall everyone that called, text, emailed, sent cards or flowers to express their condolences. I was overwhelmed with gratitude and comforted knowing that these people cared enough to reach out to me and my family.

Lately, I realize that some individuals David and/or I may have considered acquaintances never reached out to express condolences, some of these individuals even attended our wedding. So today, I wondered why they never bothered to reach out. Is it the awkwardness of death – a topic most of us like to avoid? Or is it discomfort with not knowing the right thing to say to someone that is grieving? Or did they just not care to sympathize?

I have now encountered some of these individuals and the first thing that comes to my mind is that this person did not bother to send condolences. Then I am baffled when the first question some of them ask me is “how are you doing?”. I find this question rather irritating because to me, it ignores my state of grief and also because the question does not warrant the cliche response of good, great. To me without ever acknowledging my loss, the question simply discounts my grief which is with me 24/7 and frankly I have no desire to proceed in a casual conversation with the person.

I recall that many of the people that reached out to express their condolences were lost for words but they reached out nevertheless and this meant a lot to me. Frankly, I did not know how to support those that were grieving in the past. With the support that others have shown and are showing me and my family, I have learned how I can better support a bereaved person. A lesson, one hopes to never need but one that is part of life.

 

The house that David built

26 Monday May 2014

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home sweet home

home sweet home

On Friday, I had a very nice and uplifting conversation with a good friend. At some point during the conversation, she ventured to ask me what no one else has asked. As she hesitated, I immediately knew what she had in mind. Finally, she asked “are you guys ok?” She meant this in the financial terms.

Soon after David passed, some people asked whether we would be staying in our home. I assumed it was being asked in the context of whether I would want to live in the house without David or if it will be too painful. I later realized that at times, it was meant in a different context of whether we would need to move out.

David knew this would be our home the moment he walked in. He took a few step inside with our realtor, a dear family friend and said to her – this is the house go and get my wife from the car. Soon we moved in and never had any regret but rather a feeling of contentment.

I fondly refer to our home as “the house that David built”. Although he did not literally build it, he added touches to reflect our needs and personality – as the Mr fix it, DIY guy, I know he planned to do so many other things – including building a laundry chute to the basement. It is where I find the most comfort and peace. I feel a closeness to David in our home. The girls like it here to, they are comfortable at home.  In fact, when the miss their Dad, they like going to his office to play as they used to do with him.

For these reasons, I am extremely grateful that we do not have to move. This is our home filled with memories and hopefully many more great memories to come.

 

Book about Dads

21 Wednesday May 2014

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A few nights ago, my older daughter came over to me with the book pictured above and said “this is a book about Dads isn’t it?”. Immediately, I recognized the book. David bought it several years ago when were expecting our first child and found out we were having a girl. We were in a baby store and he picked two books, – the one pictured “Father to Daughter, Life lessons on raising a Girl” and the corresponding “Mother to Daughter, Shared wisdom from the heart” for me.

Both books are such easy reads with only one or two sentences per page.  Our daughters have always had an interest in the book, I think the picture on the cover page fascinates them. We have read it with them and they have also enjoyed playing with them. This is evident given how tattered the book looks. Over the last year, I have glanced through the Father to Daughter book several times as I sadly worried about what my daughters may be missing out off. So when my daughter asked about the book, I was concerned that it was going to saddened her.

When she asked if it was about Dads, I responded that “yes, it is”. She then asked that I read it to her. Twice, I asked if she was sure, affirmatively she said yes. Finally, she demanded that I read it to her and said “Yes read it, then you will know everything that you need to do”.

I was so touched by her comment, she is trying to equip me with what I need to fill the role of their Daddy. I was happy she had some confidence in me to think I can step into David’s role. In the usual spirit of fighting bedtime, she also encourage me to read it by saying that “you will know what to do for us tonight because Daddy let us stay up late even on school days”.

 

No, there is nothing “fabulous” about death

17 Saturday May 2014

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Yesterday when I picked my daughter from school, I expressed the desire that my daughter participates in any father’s day related project they planned in the class. This was well understood as I expected. However, I was surprised by the overzealous comment someone made as she said — great that way you can take it to the cemetery and that would be “fabulous”.

I was shocked that this person assumed it was my desire to take it to the cemetery and most of all that anyone could attribute going to the cemetery to place father’s day memorabilia for a Father that died too soon as fabulous. Calming, I responded that “no, there is nothing fabulous about it, in fact, it is sad”.

I realize that it was not said in malice or to be hurtful. The choice of the word “fabulous” probably reflects the overuse thanks to pop culture.  Nevertheless, it felt hurtful and it was thoughtless. If it was so fabulous, would this young lady feel fabulous if this is what she had to do for her Dad on Father’s Day?

Today, I choose to be happy

16 Friday May 2014

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On Wednesday, I woke up around 2 am and was reflecting on how difficult this month has been for me. I also believed that my sadness was rubbing off on the girls. I was emotionally drained and felt the need to fight back as I said to myself, today is going to be a good day, I am going to choose to be happy.

When I got out bed later that morning I had the  same mindset. I went around that day making this continuos decision to be happy because even in my sadness there is still so much for me to be grateful for. Overall, I had a decent day, so far the best day this month. I stuck to this mindset on Thursday. I was even brave enough to listen to some of our songs. Songs that trigger memories of David and our lives together, they are songs make me cry lately but rather than crying I sang along with a smile as I remembered the good memories.

I believe my children could tell the difference in me over the last two days and they also seemed happier. Last night they gave me one of the happiest moments as my older daughter said “you are turning into Daddy because you make everything fun”. My heart was filled with joy, it was way past bedtime but I could not resist the urge to do something extra fun so I made a late night delight (strawberry with melted chocolate for dipping). Their eyes sparkled with joy as they said thank you, thank you endlessly.  I went to bed a happy Mommy with two very happy girls.

In the tribute I wrote about David for the funeral, I started with a quote that “the happiest people do not have the best of everything, they make the best of everything”. This truly reflected who my husband was, a very happy man. I always gave him due credit for our happy children. I hope that some of his charisma will stick with me and allow me to continue to find how to be happy in the midst of our sadness.

While I was able to choose to be happy, I realize I cannot choose when to be sad. When the sadness comes, it is overpowering and overwhelming. I just hope I have enough courage and hope to get through the sadness.

We should have been celebrating our anniversary

13 Tuesday May 2014

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Happy Days

I knew this day was going to be hard. I preempted it, I tried to think of what to do to ease the pain ahead of time. I also tried to determine how to spend the day as I reflected on what should have been our wedding anniversary.

I took the day off work and joined my daughter on a class trip which was actually quite enjoyable. As I came back home, the emotions started to overwhelm me and my dear friend called in the nick of time. She immediately knew I was not in a good mood and asked if I needed her to cry with me or talk about David. I told her none of it will help, so she shared some stories with me from the weeks leading to our wedding and that helped lighten my mood.

I considered taking myself to dinner.  I was reminded of a lady that David and I met several years ago that had lost her husband. We talked about the Bruce Willis movie, The Sixth Sense. She said the ending of the movie was not a surprise to her. Early into the movie she knew that Bruce Willis’s character was dead. She knew because she noticed that the character’s wife was always dining alone on what seemed like special occasion such as anniversaries. While this was not the deterrent from dining alone, I opted out because I did not want to be a basket case in a restaurant.

I considered watching the video from our anniversary. I was also afraid to watch it because I knew it would make me very sad. However I could not resist the urge, I wanted to see David in action.  I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to feel some of the happiness I felt on that day. So finally I popped in the dvd and watched some of the video. I am relieved to say it brought more smiles than tears. I was reminded of some very happy days when I was sweating the fun stuff like floral arrangement for the decor, choice of songs for the program, honeymoon location, or the weather forecast on my wedding day and everything turned out to be perfect. Well, I miss sweating the small stuff.

Below is a picture of me and David at a restaurant on our first wedding anniversary. Interestingly, when I returned to work following the funeral, my digital picture frame was frozen and this was the only picture it projected until April when it started rotating pictures again.

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You gave me the world and then you left

12 Monday May 2014

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David, you gave me the world and now that you have left the world, my life is just so incomplete, so empty. I am lost without you. I have tried to distract my mind in every way I can imagine but it is not working. The pain is raw, the angry is still very fresh.

For almost two decades, I relied on you for just about everything and here I am without you. Where am I suppose to start now? You were my world, our children became part of that world. Now for the last couple of nights all we do is cry about missing you.

I looked in one of the boxes with cards and letter we exchanged over the years and David, you kept everything. You kept little reminders from places we have been, things we did, some I had even forgotten completely. It was nice taking this trip down memory lane. It makes me grateful for all the things you kept, because you know I would have thrown most of those things away. Now they are priceless pieces of our history. They are also a painful reminder of losing you too soon. Realizing how good life was with you made me cry in frustration “you gave me the world and then you left me”.

My frustration was not directed at you my dear David. I know you did not chose to leave me, in fact you fought to stay with me and your children for as long as possible. Missing you so much and cherishing our memories more and more each day.

On this Mother’s Day

11 Sunday May 2014

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On this Mother’s day, I recognize so many of the amazing Mothers I know. I thank God for my amazing Mother and my  children who allow me to experience this wonderful blessing of motherhood. Girls, I love being your mother.

Today, I am so grateful for David’s Mother. She is very kind hearted with a beautiful smile. She always makes people feel welcome and loved. She is the reason that David was so sweet and affectionate. David always talked about all the wonderful things his Mommy did for him growing up. A lot of them were memories of little things that made his childhood extra special. Such as making green eggs and ham based on the Dr Suess book. Or giving him a bowl full of sugar to dip strawberries, or sticking pretzel sticks into a banana. His eyes twinkled with the excitement of a little boy when he shared some of the memories. I remember his happiness whenever we visited and his Mom had his favorite beef stew ready.

She is a woman of grace, a woman who still believes in the elegance of the past decades. Some of her taste in decor and jewelry has rubbed off on me.  My Sister and I jokingly refer to me as a 1950s wife based on my fondness for some of the retro/vintage things from that era. Many of the decor in our home are gifts David’s Mom has given us over the years. I hope to take care of them with the same great care so that my daughters can also enjoy having them in the future. This would further help in preserving David’s legacy.

Most especially, I admire David’s Mother’s strength. She has experienced one of the greatest loss in life, losing her dear son. A son who loved his mother to no end. A son who always brighten the house the moment he walked in to visit his parents. He knew just how to make his parent laugh and how to tease his mother until she believed he needed a smack. Despite her loss and the other personal challenges she has faced including the passing of David’s Dad last year, she continues to be very graceful, loving, and caring. She worries about my well-being and about her grandchildren – they are so dear to her heart.

I admire her for being a wonderful mother, grandmother, and wife. I admire how she filled their home with so much love. I recall David once saying that “even though my Mom worked, I always remember her being present”. This reflected how she was always active in his life and helping make the best memories. Hopefully, I can raise my daughters to say the same thing about me in the future.

A big thank you to my daughters (cough Sister) for the beautiful flowers. Also, the Mother’s day art and crafts they made. Thank you to everyone for Mother’s day messages, your calls and the cards. A very Happy Mother’s Day to all.

This is my story, this is my song

09 Friday May 2014

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I can think of at least four or five of my dear friends that will cringe as they see the title of this post. They know it is part of the lyric to a song that I sang often and it makes me cry. They thought they successfully got me to stop, sadly, I find myself singing or humming the song lately.

I cannot recall how many times I have cried singing that song. Mostly in the shower since it was a place of escape where I could cry in privacy and also think long and hard. I dreamed of a cure, I reflected on our lives before the diagnosis, I thought of my mistakes, things I wish I had done differently, our daughters and their Dad that they love so dearly. I also had great moments of darkness, as I thought of the unthinkable, how can there be life without David? The mere thought that David may not overcome the disease was an unbearable one. How could I ever function in such a world?

Two days before the funeral, I was overwhelmed with emotions and went to take a shower. I stood there crying and singing my sad song. I realized that what I always feared and knew to be unbearable had happened. I would have to bury David. How was I suppose to do that? How can there be life without David?

As I stepped out of the shower, my Sister and these dear friends were there to console me. They knew when to listen and what to say. However, they insisted I must stop singing that song since it only triggered sadness. Resiliently, I told them that I could not stop because it is my story and it is a sad story. They did not accept my response. Eventually, they lightened the mood, brought some smile, and helped me get ready for the trip.

Thanks Ladies for being amazing and getting me through some of my biggest despair.

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Coping with hard days

06 Tuesday May 2014

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Some days are just more difficult than others. This month, almost everyday has been rough. Hopefully, I can turn this around soon. I am struggling to find some comfort or a good distraction. I cleaned the garage yesterday, at the time it felt therapeutic, however I felt sad later that I was doing something David should have been doing. Also, seeing his car just sitting in the garage motionless for months was a sad reminder of life without David.

Unlike some days, I have not been able to fight the urge to cry. I found myself crying in the cafeteria at work today, what horror! So many random things have set me off. Why does this week seem extra hard? Is this the logically progression of grief or is it also due to my apprehension about our upcoming anniversary?

I struggle to understand why people at times perceive me to be strong. Based on the context, I am usually grateful, other times puzzled, and in some cases angered.  Angry mostly at myself since I realize that I may be portraying a false perception of my reality. Rather than walking around downcast, I try to cope with David’s loss with courage in public and have a regular demeanor. For me, walking around downcast will only add more sadness and frustration. This however does not reflect my current reality, one that has lots of pain, anger, sadness, and tears. One that is also brightened by my daughters, family, and friends.