Category Archives: Road to victory

The perfect dream

02 Wednesday Jul 2014

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The smile that I miss so much

The smile that I miss so much

I have had very limited dreams of David and most of them leave me feeling sad since it was generally based on David being ill or his untimely death. I also dreaded having dreams in which David was still alive and we were living our normal lives because I knew I would wake up to life without David and disappointed it is not a bad dream.

Recently, I had a dream that I was running, running because something was chasing me. I had a very clear lead and it was practically impossible to be caught but I had to keep running to maintain the pace because whatever I was running from was relentless. Just as I was about to stop running, David appeared. He was full of smiles and looked at me with great pride and said “don’t stop, keep going, I knew you could do it, see I told you you can do it, keep going, do not stop”, you are doing great”. Shortly after he disappeared and I continued running.

When I woke up and reflected on the dream, it made me feel happy. I felt happy especially because I saw David the way I want to remember him. In his usual form – full of energy and enthusiasm and the brightest smile. Also, I reflected on the dream as a message of encouragement from David because there are so many times that I have felt too sad or overwhelmed about the absence of David in our lives.

I remembered how I used to tell David he could not leave me alone with the girls and that we needed to raise the girls together. He knew this was one of my biggest concern and in hindsight I think i made him feel sad as he worried that I would fall apart. Given his happy disposition in the dream, I at least feel like he is content that somehow we are managing to function in the midst of our devastation.

David was always encouraging, adaptable to situations to find solutions. One of his common phrase when we faced challenging situations was “we press on”. So we will continue to press on regardless of how difficult it is. I am so grateful for this dream – for me it was the perfect dream, because it felt like I had an actual conversation with David.

Birthday brings smiles

30 Monday Jun 2014

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My younger daughter’s birthday was one of many “firsts” we have had without David in the last two months. Her birth was one of my proudness moments and was the best part of  2011. It is what I want to take away from that year.

I recall that a month after we were rejoicing about the excitement of having another baby, we quickly became devastated with the fear of cancer and the potential extent. At that time, it made no sense why universe was so cruel, allowing me to be pregnant while we were dealing with the horrors of cancer. Quickly, I realized that the pregnancy was why I had to be stronger. I had to take care of myself to take care of our baby. So, despite of the challenges of that period, I was strengthen by the needs of my unborn child and my older daughter.

It is now even more apparent that the pregnancy at that time was a blessing that came at the right time and the only time. I am so thankful to God. My daughters have each other and love each other so much. Together, they fill the house with so much joy and laughter. They are the reason we fought so hard and the reason I continue to stand.

For my younger daughter’s birthday this month, I knew that it had to be celebrated as David and I would have done in the past. Last year knowing David’s state of health, I tried to discourage my older daughter from having a birthday but David would not have it, he insisted that we celebrate her birthday. Similarly, the first time he had chemo and was still recovering from the aftermath, he was adamant that we celebrate our daughter’s birthday.

David knew how much fun it is for the girls and he also knew I enjoyed doing the crafts and/or baking in preparation for the birthday. I certainly had some satisfaction preparing from my daughter’s birthday. I also missed David terribly. I missed bugging him with silly questions on what to do, assigning projects to him, and having him ensure that anything I made was symmetrical.

In preparation for my daughter’s birthday, as I assembled a table with help from my Sister, I felt a burst of David within me. I seriously could not have done it in the past. I had a sense of pride with the birthday because I was feeling like DaMa,  it felt like David was living within me and helping me accomplish things that would have seemed impossible before.

Most importantly, I was happy because the girls were having a great time.  Thanks to those that helped or joined in celebrating my daughter’s birthday and a big thank you to a dear friend that worked tirelessly taking pictures (including the one above). The last two months have been so rough and you all helped make end it on a high note.

While we had a really nice day, we went to bed crying because even in moments of happiness the constant void in our life without David is so painful.

A cake for Daddy

24 Tuesday Jun 2014

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The last two months have been quite challenging since we have/will experience many firsts without David(my birthday, our anniversary, Mother’s day, Father’s day, David’s birthday, and my Daughter’s birthday) almost back to back. The absence of David for his birthday was the most recent and probably the most challenging mentally.

Unlike our anniversary which was a sad day for just me, David’s birthday was our collective sadness. We cried sporadically for days leading to his birthday and could not decide how to make the most of the day. Previously, I wrote that my daughter asked that we make a “frosting cake” in remembrance of David. She later changed her mind saying she no longer likes frosting. Eventually, we agreed to just make a regular cake with some frosting.

I truly cannot articulate my feelings on David’s birthday – but it was not a good feeling. I also felt a bit anxious and indecisive. It was certainly not “Happy” Birthday. The use of happy was inappropriate in my view. It seemed pointless to make a birthday cake because he wasn’t here to enjoy it. There was no reason to celebrate the day but I also did not want to neglect to recognize that it was his birthday.

When I asked my daughter how she felt about making a cake for Daddy, her eyes lit up with excitement. They were so happy to help. So after dinner, we baked the cake. Baking with the girls was the highlight of the day. It reminded me of what life with David felt like.

Making the frosting was literally “the icing on the cake” my daughters were so happy to see it and smiled radiantly as the licked frosting knowing I was allowing them to indulge. Between the girls eating frosting and me a dropping some we ended up with an almost frostless cake but they were proud of the outcome.

I did not have any desire to sing happy birthday. My older daughter tried and almost immediately, the tears started flowing and we were taking turns crying or consoling each other. We tried to say something about Daddy and again the tears started so we decided to stop everything and just eat cake.

David, life is definitely not the same without you, I miss having you try any cake that I made. Thanks for encouraging me to bake by being my best critic and for finding something nice to say even if the cake had more baking soda than flour.

Regrets

21 Saturday Jun 2014

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I regret so many things. Many I cannot let go off and others I have tried to make myself forget. The song “if I could turn back time” by Cher keeps coming to my head.  If only I could turn back time, I would try to change the things within my control.

I regret fighting often with David, particularly when we were younger and I felt more invincible.

I regret that I waited so long to come to terms that his untimely death was approaching. I think if I had accepted sooner, we may have done some things differently – not sure what, but perhaps I would have encouraged him to write letters for his daughters or even make videos for them.

I regret not insisting that David took pictures with his daughters on their birthdays last year.

I regret not taking a family portrait last year.

I regret that cancer exist and we have not figured how to prevent it or cure it.

I regret that cancer has made me even more paranoid about my wellness.

Most of all, I regret that David had cancer. This changed everything in our lives.

Despite all the regrets, I am forever grateful to David for sharing this journey in life with me, even with our challenges and struggles, life with David was beautiful.

Precious moments with Daddy

15 Sunday Jun 2014

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Learning to blow bubbles with Daddy
Manicure by Daddy

The pictures above are two of my favorite pictures of David with our daughters. For me, they capture some of the essence of David as a father. He was a hands-on, down to earth Daddy. Fatherhood brought out the child in him. He knew when to play rough with the girls and when to be dainty with his precious princesses.

David, you were made to be a Dad. You looked forward to becoming one and saying you will climb to the top of the mountain and rejoice for everyone to hear. I remember you crying with joy and pride the day you became a father, the pride and joy these girls brought you was never ending.

I know there is no where else you would have wanted to be than with your family. Home with your girls was your better place.  You loved life and life with your daughters. We miss you dearly, everyday. I am so sad knowing that the girls are missing out of making more precious memories with you. So today and every day we continue to hold on to the precious memories we had with you.

Below is a picture of our older daughter that I gave David on his first Father’s Day as I told him that she will be saying Dad in time for father’s day.

To all amazing Dads, Happy Fathers Day!

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Frosting for Daddy

14 Saturday Jun 2014

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Eating frosting with Daddy
Eating frosting with Daddy

I knew Father’s day was coming and I made a very conscious decision to disregard the day because I think it will be one of the hard days. I changed channels whenever I heard anything about father’s day or avoided any promotional emails regarding the day.  I recall it being a very painful day for me following the loss of my Dad. I wanted to avoid making a big deal of the day knowing the emotions of my daughters and I are at stake.

The only thing I did proactively regarding Father’s Day was asking their teachers to ensure that my daughters were not excluded from any Father’s day related project. I have previously explained to my daughters that even though Daddy is not here anymore, they have a Dad that is forever in their hearts.

My older daughter opted out of participating in any of the Father’s day projects. She said she did not want to do the project because she could not give it to her Daddy, a decision that I respected and commended. Soon after she told me about her decision, she started crying. She was sad that every child in the class was able to make a project that they will give to their Dads. I explained that in the future if she wanted to make anything for Daddy she can and we will pin it on the board where David used to pin all the arts and crafts they made for him.

Instead of a father’s day project, she brought home a memory box with a note about things she remembers about her Daddy. The note was very touching and moved me to tears, I was marveled at some of the details of things she remembers and it allowed me to reflect on those memories.

One that stuck out the most were her memories of eating frosting with Daddy. I was reminded of the fond memories of David and the girls eating frosting rather than the cake. She also remembered me getting upset with David on the morning of my younger daughter’s birthday when he finished eating what he thought was leftover frosting but it was frosting I was still planning to use to finish her cake and I asked that he make a new batch.

In a previous conversation, she asked that since Daddy likes frosting we should make a “frosting cake” for his upcoming birthday. She explained a frosting cake as a cake made entirely of frosting. So we will be stacking up the butter, cream and sugar in hopes that the cake will help us smile as we remember David on his birthday.

For Father’s day, we have nothing special planned. It will be just another Sunday but that does not mean David is not constantly on our minds. I just do not feel compelled to do anything extra to recognize the day knowing it will only make the girls sadder about the absence of their beloved Daddy, my dearest David. Also, it is a painful reminder of the absence my Daddy dearest.

 

Hope from Support group

11 Wednesday Jun 2014

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My daughters and I have been attending a grief support group since March. It is a nurturing environment geared towards children that have lost a loved one. They also provide an optional support group for parent to attend while the kids are in their groups.

It has been a very positive experience and the girls look forward to going. I especially appreciate that it allows them to interact with other children that have lost a parent since it helps them recognize that while the loss of a parent is uncommon at a young age, we are not abnormal and sadly, other families are in similar situations. I hope that realization will allow them to understand that we will continue to cope and function as a family.

I also chose to attend the optional parent session and the overall experience has been positive. However, the last two sessions I attended have been quite challenging for me emotionally. Unlike previous sessions where I participated actively, I was either crying or sitting quietly. I was sad by our collective grief because at almost every session I have attended at least one new family joins. They join a group that no one deserves – due to the premature death of a spouse or a child. Seeing the newly bereaved faces is a devastating reminder of why we are all there.

Without question, joining the support group has been a great decision for the girls, they enjoy it, have lots of of fun, and make new friends. There is no intention of stopping anytime soon. However, I questioned my continued participation in the parent session given how I sad I felt after the last two sessions. Quickly, I remembered that in the limited time since joining, the experience had been very beneficial to me. The group has allowed me to open up with other bereaved individuals about things that will seem irrational or illogical to others. The group also helps validate these things as normal part of grieving and in many cases they share similar experiences. The shared experiences has helped me cope with some of my personal challenges and also inspires me to have courage.

My hope is that as others join rather than being discouraged by our collective grief, I may be able to share an experience that may be beneficial to others and help someone else have hope when there seems to be none.

DaMa – my new name

08 Sunday Jun 2014

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Last week, my older daughter said “DaMa, that is your new name because you are half Daddy and half Mommy”. I was touched by her positive comment and my new name since it was her reflection on how we are doing. In moment of sadness as I over analyzed the comment with a less optimistic view, it was upsetting that DaMa only allows my daughters to get our half of their Dad and half of me. They deserve 100% Daddy and 100% Mommy.

The girls continue to miss their Dad and speak of him often. They also continue to cry for him. One evening as my older daughter was getting ready for bed, she cried because it was a classmate’s birthday and his Dad came to their class for the celebration and she was reminded that her Dad will never be able to come to her school for her birthday.

The crying seems worse with my younger daughter, she cries for him in so many situations. She also refers to him as often as possible. When she wanted a treat and I said there is none she said “I want Daddy to buy me some treats”. When she stuck my phone in a crevices that was unreachable, as I looked at her upset, sheepishly, she looked at me and said, I want my Daddy to help get it.

I know her level of understanding regarding David’s passing continues to improve. Yesterday she said to me “I miss my Daddy”.  In the past, her communication was centered around waiting for Daddy i.e. I want Daddy back, where is my Daddy etc….all reflecting the longing for him to come home.  Following her comment, we looked at pictures of David together and I reminded her that Daddy is in her heart and she reached for the picture and then towards her heart.

Below is a picture of us trying to make the most of the summer. The shirt I am wearing was sent to me by my brother and reads “My love is based on a true story”. I felt so happy wearing the shirt as it reminded me of David, I think I can wear it everyday.

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Looking for Mary Poppins

05 Thursday Jun 2014

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The girls with a disney inspired Mary Poppins

The original Mary Poppins and a Disney inspired Mary Poppins

Even when it was David and I, it was hard at times to keep up with life and trying to ensure we spent quality time with the girls. Since a significant part of 2013, I find myself just functioning i.e. trying to ensure that the most basic needs are met especially on the weekdays. By the end of the day, I am exhausted and do not have the energy to play with the girls or even read a bed time story.

I know how well David played with our daughters and I know they miss the fun. I miss it too, I miss the hysterical laugh or just the look of contentment when they hung out with David in his office or went outside to play.

Recently, I decided to begin the long overdue search for a Nanny in hopes that it would allow me to have some quality time with my daughters. I recall mentioning to a coworker that I needed a Nanny and his response was “you need Mary Poppins”. I agreed and we talked about how my older daughter recently became fond of the movie. We also talked about the recent movie “Saving Mr Banks” that depicted the making of the Mary Poppins movie.

Later that evening, I began the search for a Nanny with some trepidation. I reviewed several candidates and finally, one lady stood out, we talked on the phone for over an hour. It was a very encouraging conversation so we set up a time to meet in person.

My daughters were very receptive of her the moment they met her and she was also very pleasant. To my surprise, shortly into the interview, she opens a bag and brings out different things she carries along to keep the kids entertained. Immediately, I was thinking does she really have a bag of tricks like Mary Poppins and as I was thinking it, she said “I am like Mary Poppins”. We laughed about it as I told her I was looking for Mary Poppins.

A couple of days after she accepted the offer, we chatted, she told me she had never used the phrase “I am like Mary Poppins” with anyone in the past. This made our connection seem even more supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I am so glad to have found her, the girls are equally excited and I look forward to a great relationship and hopefully being able to do some of the things David used to do with the girls.

UPDATE: I guess Mary Poppins is only made for fairy tales. The Nanny did not work out.

Calling Daddy

03 Tuesday Jun 2014

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I remembered when we got our first matching phones and similar numbers over a decade ago. It was a good feeling, it was like a first step to being a real couple.

I miss hearing David’s voice. Calling his number was second nature, I called him for everything. I called even when there was nothing to talk about and he also did the same. If he did not answer my call, I usually just hung up unlike David who always left a message. His message always started with “Hi Sweetheart”.

Even though I know he will never answer his phone again, I still call his number and a part of me strangely hopes that like the good old days, he would pick up. Unfortunately, because we changed phone providers late last year and he never set up a new voicemail so I don’t even get to hear his voice. The decision to change provider is one that I regret because I also lost all the messages David left on my cell phone.

One evening, as my older daughter was missing her Dad, she dialed his number. I know a part of her was hoping he would answer the call but it just went to the generic voicemail. Eventually, she stopped trying and feeling disappointed she asked me why isn’t Daddy answering his phone?

Regardless of the absence of his voice on the voicemail, I am not ready to disconnect his number, like many things, this is something I am holding on to. The decision to maintain the number may be against conventional wisdom but for me, the number is so dear. It is David’s number, it is our number and I am not willing to release it knowing it will be re-assigned to someone else.