Category Archives: Road to victory

My Mommy, My Mother

27 Thursday Feb 2014

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Where would I be without you?

You have been there for me in everything. You know my temperament- the good, the bad, and the ugly. You were my outlet during a lot of the trials and tribulations as we dealt with David’s illness. When I broke down and knew I could not go on, you gave me the encouragement to carry on. You were a confidant to David, he told you things he couldn’t tell me because he worried about how I would handle it. You handled everything with your usual grace, assurance, faith, and calmness.

People often ask how we managed to maintain a normal routine at home and with our children as we battled David’s illness. You were definitely a key to this. You were the first person we informed about David’s illness and you were with us every step until the end.

Thank you for your patience and understanding. Thank you for the prayers, thank you for listening, thank you for making it possible for David to stay home until the end.  Thank you for showing David and I the extent of a Mother’s love, an unconditional love.

Your motherly and nurturing skills are beyond my abilities. I continue to learn from you and be inspired by you. I love you more than words can express. You are one in a million. I am truly blessed to have you as my Mommy, my Mother.

Peace

26 Wednesday Feb 2014

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The day after David’s funeral was the first time I woke up with a sense of peace.

Peace because he is in his final resting place.  Peace because he is no longer in pain. Peace because given the circumstance everything went well. Peace because I know I made the right decision by having the girls attend the funeral. Peace because of all the love and support we received.

And now for the first time I can say, my dearest David rest in peace.  Lullaby and goodnight to my sweet darling David.

Rainbows

25 Tuesday Feb 2014

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My daughter loves rainbows, in fact, she used to insist that rainbow was a color and one of her favorite colors.

In January, there were a couple of occasions that she will look outside from the living room and think she saw a rainbow.  I would look with her really closely and did not see it. I encouraged her that someday she will see a real rainbow.

Over the weekend, as family and friends gathered around in preparation to lay David to rest in his final resting place.  Many of us sat around the dining room, this truly is a very unusual place for us to sit since we are normally in the kitchen or the living room.  I had a view of the deck and suddenly, there it was a RAINBOW.  I squealed with joy to everyone that “there is a rainbow”.  It was as if it appeared from nowhere. We all gathered around looking and capturing the memory on our phones, and as quickly as it appeared it faded away. My daughters finally saw their first real rainbow, they were excited as were the adults.

The next day when I was crying in frustration stating that I really want to believe that David was watching over us, my Sister and my dearest friend encouraged me that he lives within us and I will always feel his presence.  They went on to say that they did not think the rainbow was coincidental 🙂

In the car on Sunday, randomly, my older daughter said, “I think my Dad was the one who made that rainbow”. She also affirmed that “that was the first time she saw a real rainbow”. I marveled with a smile also believing the rainbow was a reassuring sign of a God’s promise and immortality of David’s soul.

rainbow over the deck

rainbow over the deck

I am ANGRY

22 Saturday Feb 2014

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Today I am angry….

I am angry that I have to plan my husband’s funeral.

I am angry that I wrote a tribute to David instead of a birthday card or anniversary card.

I am angry that my daughters were also involved in writing tributes as were family and friends.

I am angry about talking about David in past sentence.

I am angry that I am seeing those closest and dearest to me under this circumstance.

I am angry that I talked to chaplains, pastors, funeral home directors in the context of David’s burial.

Most of all, I am angy that I have to see a casket with David’s body.

I am angry, I am very angry.

In all my anger, I am ever so grateful for all the love and support from my family and friends, it has been immeasurably abundant. You guys truly provide hope in the future.

Key life change

19 Wednesday Feb 2014

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Today, I called the benefit department at my office today to inform them of David’s passing. Somehow I remembered that they should be informed within 31 days of any key change in your life, perhaps it is because I have made changes with the birth of each of our children and also after getting married.  This change however is definitely an unwanted key life change.  

It was so hard listening to the lady tell me she has removed David from our health, dental, and vision benefit plan. This made me sad, in fact I was not even sure why I made the call. I felt like I was having to let go a part of David, I want to undo the conversation and just keep him on the benefit plan like nothing has changed.

The mind of children

18 Tuesday Feb 2014

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As the days pass, my older daughter especially is getting more emotional about the absence of her Dad.

One night after she watched the movie Brother Bear 2, I noticed she looked a bit emotional.  I asked what was wrong and she said nothing.  I pressed a little bit more and she said God will tell me.  I pleaded that she should share her thoughts with me. Finally she agreed and she said that “if you cannot change someone, you can change yourself”. Then she said she wants to be an angel so she can be with her Dad.

I was dumbfounded, that will teach me to make sure I sit with her and watch her movies. I told her that if she becomes an angel, she will no longer be with Mommy and her Sister. This brought tears as she said “I do not want to leave you and my Sister, I want Daddy to come back”. This brought more tears for both of us.

Later that night, my younger daughter was also missing her Dad, when she was getting ready for bed, she just kept saying “Daddy is back, Daddy is back”.

I understand the void they feel and it is certainly one I cannot fill. How I wish I could bring him back.

PS: Later, I read the plot of Brother bear two and I have a better understanding of the statement my older daughter made. In the movie, there was a male bear who wanted to turn into a human after reuniting with a human female from his childhood he grew fond of, however he could not change into a human and she decided to changed into a Bear.

If life gives you snow…make snowman

15 Saturday Feb 2014

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our snowman

With the endless winter and unrelenting snow, the girls had one thing in mind…playing in the snow.  I had absolutely no desire to go outside much less the snow.  My dearest Sister, offered to take the girls out in the snow and as I watched them having fun, I found it in me to join in the snow games.

While outside my daughter rolled a big snowball then added to smaller balls on top and said “I am making a real life snowman” and then she asked for a scarf. Suddenly, I became inspired to make a snowman.  In fact, I was on mission to build a snowman like David would….close to perfect.  I no longer felt cold or wet in the snow, I felt energized.

When it was done, proudly, I yelled ” David I did it.”

My David, my love

14 Friday Feb 2014

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David, you showed me such deep love, one that seemed reserved for fairy tales. You also let me know the importance of expressing love. Your love came without constraints. Your love was endless, it came simply and naturally, and you expressed it daily.

You believed that people should not wait for valentine’s day to show appreciation to their loved ones. However, this did not stop you from celebrating the day in its true tradition. You got sweet mushy cards, paid the inflated prices for flowers, bought chocolates and/or gifts etc.

It was hard for valentine’s day to feel more special than most days, expression and appreciation of love was something you did regularly. Today, I do not feel a void because it is valentine’s day, there are endless cards from you to smile and cry over. I feel a void because I miss the love of my life.

Love always,

XOXOXO

Snowed in….again and again

13 Thursday Feb 2014

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Snow over the last three hours today. The bikes will eventually be submerged

Snow in the last three hours, watching the bike gets completely submerged

The snow storms this year have been endless….It seems that the girls have only gone to school half the time this year. Here we are, snowed in again today.

A fancy snow blower was one of the first big purchases David made when we moved into the house. He purchased it with such excitement as he looked forward to years of plowing the snow.

In our first year in the house, it only snowed once and he proudly plowed and shoveled the snow even knowing the temperature the next day would be high enough to melt it away. The next year, we had a bit more snow, however it became difficult for him to plow due to pain in his back. Reluctantly, he hired a company to plow.

The company has plowed our snow since then. They will come today and do a mediocre job since they do not get enough of the snow off the walkway/driveway.  Thanks to a good friend that always comes by after they are done to make the walkway conducive for walking.

Our snow plow sits in the garage and reminds me of how I wish David would be plowing the driveway.  Not only because of the good job he will have done but because of the satisfaction he would have had from doing it. Not to mention the fun the girls would be having outside in the snow with him.

snowday

Missing you so much

11 Tuesday Feb 2014

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David, we are all missing you terribly.  I know you know that since I know how much you love your girls.

As I approached my older daughter who was watching a show in the living room, I  noticed that a picture was missing from the frame behind her and she had placed it next to her. I asked why she took down the picture and she stated the expected “because I miss my Daddy”.

Saying we miss David terribly is an understatement, I cannot find the words to express my feeling of loss. My older daughter expressed her feeling of his loss by saying that “I wish my Daddy could just take me into his world”.  This simply reflected her desire to be close to her Dad and I told her that this world needs her sparkly, happy go lucky self.

To revise her statement to better suit our needs, I just wish David could come back to our world. It is just not the same without you, we miss you so much 😦

Below is the picture that she was holding.

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