Category Archives: Road to victory

My sunshine

21 Friday Mar 2014

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My daughters are truly my sunshine.  They brighten my day, they do not allow me to stay in bed defeated. They are full of energy and love. They show affection, they have passion, they are demanding, they can be fussy and they know exactly what they want. To me, they are perfect, to their Dad they were beyond perfect. I am so grateful for their love.

I chose to start today happy and to be grateful for these girls and the amazing legacy of David that they are. Here are some of the things they have said in the past that continues to warm my heart.

“I love you more than you think I can”

“You are my Mom, you are my Dad, you are part of my Dad and I love you for who you are. I know nobody told you that before”

“Mommy, l kiss your boo boo (then kissed my chest), no more boo boo ok”

David lives on in them and they are my strength and inspiration. They keep the house alive and full of energy.

Tell me stories about Daddy

18 Tuesday Mar 2014

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_MG_5438It was no surprise that Monday evening ended even crappier than the morning.  As we started homework my older daughter was already getting sad even my younger daughter recognized it and tried to make her happy.

By bedtime she broke down crying, she cried and talked about how much she missed her Dad.  She wondered why he did not get better, why he had to die now, why did he not die when she was older. She asked why she could not see him ever again. She looked out the window hoping she would find a shooting star so that she could wish for him to come back. She cried a lot, we cried a lot, I have had the same questions often.

As she started to settle down a bit she said that when she grows up, she wishes to find someone just like her Daddy.  WOW…I was again dumbfounded because while I know I cannot wish David back, I can truly wish the same for both girls because I know how lucky I was to have David.

I started telling her stories about her Dad.  She laugh hysterically as I told her how David used to dress her up and confuse the front and back of her dresses saying that men clothes are so much easier because the buttons are always in the front. How he used to wonder why girls had to wear tights and lifted her with tights to ensure that it fit just right (this is something we still do). I told her how he used to appeal to me to stop trying to feed her puree baby food such as tender beef spinach which were completely void of taste and asked that I feed her what we could eat. We laugh about so many things and she concluded that “Daddy is silly”.

I tried to assure her that even though Daddy is gone I will continue to do my best to make her happy. She asked that I should not talk about her Dad being gone but rather I should tell her more stories about him to make her laugh.

The best part of the evening was while we were laughing about the story, she said that “I actually forget that Daddy was gone, and for a minute I thought that Daddy was here”.

“Happy Monday”

17 Monday Mar 2014

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How can it be Monday already?

How can it be Monday already?

“Happy Monday”, this is a phrase that David said very often…always trying to be chipper about the start of a new work week.

How I wish I could hear him say “Happy Monday” today. I really could have used it. Mondays just have a way of feeling crappy.  In fact, during David’s illness Mondays were definitely my worst day of the week. Perhaps, it was the reality of going back to work especially if we had a rough weekend coupled with the uncertainty of what another week will bring.

Today, the girls were so cranky mostly because it was Monday and the routine of the week day. While getting them ready, I remembered that it is St Patrick’s Day so I dressed them in green.

I was saddened as I remembered the St Patrick’s day before David’s illness began.  I was away on a business trip and David ensured that he dressed our older daughter in a green dress, he even tried to style her hair.  I was reminded of that day as I picked out the same dress for my younger daughter to wear.  I got  teary eyes as I wished dearly that David was here to dress them and make another attempt to tame their curly hair.

Below are pictures of the girls wearing the same outfit for St Patrick’s day.  One was dressed by David four years ago and the other was dressed by me today.

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The awkwardness of death in real life

14 Friday Mar 2014

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It has been almost two weeks since I returned to work and truly, it has been the right decision. I am so thankful for the support of many of the individuals at work. Returning to work has also revealed to me some of the awkwardness of my new reality especially when people see me for the first time.

Many offered their condolences and showed genuine interest in the well being of me and my daughters.  Others simply pretended like nothing happened at all and proceeded to having work related discussions. There is another group that have avoided me like a plague, they see me coming down the hallway and change directions or try to remain so focused on something like they never saw me.

I am most grateful to those that have asked about me or expressed their condolences regarding David’s passing. Many have gone way above what I can even imagine in the extent of the support they have offered.

The strangest are those that simply pretend like nothing happened. I find those situation to be the most peculiar but perhaps it speaks to the awkwardness of death. But death is something I now have to confront daily. Understandably, it is an undesired life change. If I had gone back to work after getting married or having a baby most of these people would have been fine to acknowledge that and offer their congratulatory messages.

As for those that have avoided me, if/when our paths cross will determine which of the other two categories they fall into.

Below is selfie of me and my older daughter on my first day back to work. I was determined to make sure I did not look crazy, I know David never let me leave the house looking crazy.

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Too bad you are not Daddy

11 Tuesday Mar 2014

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As we brought out the pieces of the “Marker maker” one of the additions to the girls collection for art and craft, I looked a bit overwhelming.  My older daughter looked at me and she knew exactly what was on my mind and said “we have to build it, too bad you are not Daddy”. She was right.  There were so many pieces, where do I start? David will have figured it out immediately. Thanks to youtube, I watched a video and voilà we were making makers.

It breaks my heart knowing I can never fill that void for my children. My daughter now attributes most things that upset her to the absence of her Dad.  She cries every night, she is sensitive about most things, runs to her room at the smallest things and cries passionately for Daddy, she says she wants her old life back, I do too.

The joy in art

09 Sunday Mar 2014

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It is no surprise that my daughters are missing their Dad, in fact they miss him more and more each day.  I am in frequent communication with my daughter’s school teacher and school counselor. I am also trying to be more present in her school activities. I joined her for lunch on Friday afternoon and this really brightened her day.

In order to try to provide the best support at home, I asked my older daughter what helps her feel better when she is sad and she said she likes drawing.  This is no surprise, they both like drawing or scribbling. Following a play date, the older one tends to draw something for her friends as a parting gift. In fact, she did the same for me after I met her for lunch at school.

I asked what products she wanted to further enable her interest and drawing and thanks to Crayola and Amazon they were ordered.  We spent a good bit of the weekend drawing and painting. My daughter even said it was better than watching TV or the iPad.

I recall when David started chemo the first time, walking down the hallways of the chemo suite, I noticed lots of drawings on display, it was there because it was perceived as therapeutic.  At that stage in our lives, I did not even want to look at them, not because I did not appreciate art but because I was afraid that people were drawing to remember a loved one, something I feared dearly.

I can say drawing with the girls this weekend was fun and hopefully therapeutic for all of us.

Good days, bad days

06 Thursday Mar 2014

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There is no logic to predicting which days will be bad or good for me. Some mornings, I wake up just knowing it is a crappy day. However, most days, I wake up with no clue how the day will turn out.

Yesterday, I woke up indifferent, got ready for worked, dropped my daughter at school and when I was less than a minute from work, the uncontrollable tears began. I continued to cry in parking lot then took time to recompose myself.  Once I thought I was ok, I proceeded to the office, suddenly, the tears started streaming down my face. Imagine the horror when I ran into a co-worker…oh no….no one is suppose to see me crying definitely not at work and there I was still crying uncontrollably. Eventually, I made it to my office and finally the tears stop and I proceeded my work day.

Today, was different, it was a better day, in fact I refer to it as a good day. Like yesterday, I woke up indifferent but managed to drive to work without crying, sang along to some songs on the radio, and maintained a decent demeanor for the rest of the day.

What makes some days better than others remains unclear. I wish I knew what sets me off some days and what keeps me calmer on other days. I am just relieved that today was better than yesterday.

Left work a married woman…..

03 Monday Mar 2014

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The last time I left my office I was a married woman, today, I returned with the most unwanted status, a word I despise. I struggle to even type it..WIDOWED. The word makes me feel handicapped. While I can understand that David is gone, this is one status I am not embracing.

Some have asked why am I going back to work already. For me it is simple, why not. What will I do at home? It does not take away the pain. In fact the longer I stay home the more difficult it may be to re-adjust to the routine of work.

I dressed for work making sure I did not look like a hot mess. I tried to keep my head up like it was a normal day at work. This was short lived, as I started driving to work, I was reminded that I did not see David in this morning:

  • He did not insist on ironing an outfit that looked perfectly fine to me
  • He did not give me a thumbs up or thumbs down on my outfit
  • He did not keep informing me of the time to ensure that I wasn’t running late for work (this used to annoy me)
  • He did not say “I love you”
  • He will not be calling to find out how my day is going
  • I will not hear him say “Happy Monday” or “it is almost Friday” (even on Monday)
  • He will not be leaving any messages for me or sending me any emails
  • He will no longer drive me to work or pick the kids from school

All I have now are the memories and that just does not seem sufficient. I managed ok at work today, thanks to a pep talk from my dear friend and thanks to David who always told me “you can do anything”. I am also thankful to my co-workers for being so supportive.

Thank you, thank you

02 Sunday Mar 2014

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Where do I begin?

Thank you for everything. Your love and support has been extensive.

The cards, the groceries, the flowers, fruit baskets, cookies, cupcakes, more sweet treats, stuffed animals, monetary gifts . The gift of time – visits, phone calls, text messages, emails, homemade meals, plowing snow to name a few.

Reading the cards brought hope to me and feeling of gratitude that people were thinking about us and sympathetic to our grief. The flowers and the plants brighten the house. The fruit baskets, brownies, chocolate, cookies, cupcakes and other sweet treat became a balanced diet for us – one note stated “lets sugar up the kids” it worked, they ran around the house filled with energy. The homemade meals warmed my heart and provided much needed nutritious calories.

For those that attended the funeral, thank you for making the trip. Many traveled hundreds of miles, others thousands of miles, left your young children at home, found tickets at the last minute and in many cases paid exorbitantly. We were surrounded by your love and this made the day easier.

Thank you to everyone that is reading the blog, this is my therapy. It is my outlet, it allows me to feel connected with David.

Below is a picture of a dear friend of the family, Richard who flew in to offer condolences plowing snow in his suit and dress pants.

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Sad even when happy

01 Saturday Mar 2014

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Yesterday, I took the girls to a play at the local community theatre.  The tickets were purchased a while back.  They were excited about going. Since I have taken them out to other shows or activities in the past year alone, I thought we could manage. The play was very well done, they enjoyed it, singing and dancing along. However, it was not void of the emotions of missing their Daddy. There were moments of sadness even while being happy.

Just before the show started, my younger daughter persistently asked, “Mommy, where is Daddy”. Frustrated she said “I want my Daddy now”, again she asked “Where is my Daddy” pounding lightly on my chest in annoyance. I told her Daddy was not here.  Pointing to the celling, she looked up and said, “Daddy is up in the sky”. She still had a questioning look on her face as she looked around the theater and noticed many other Daddies in the audience. It was clear to me that she was puzzled why these Dads are here and hers is up in the sky.

At intermission, my older daughter also said she missed her Dad. At the end of the show she wanted a souvenir that I did not buy because I told her she already had something similar at home. This was a very big mistake on my part as she cried hysterically in the car. Apparently something happened earlier in school that saddened her and my decision not to buy the doll trigger emotions from her rough day at school and also the loss of her Dad. She was so emotional that she said she is sad everyday since Daddy died. How can it be that my happy princess is sad everyday?

I regret the decision not to buy the doll.  While my goal is not to raise children that are overindulged, moving forward, I am suspending some of life’s little lesson to allow them as much sunshine and happiness because there is nothing left of me, if my children lose their sparkles and happiness.

I wish I could take their grief away and make it mine. I wish I can better prepare them for the series of emotions ahead and to understand that even in happiness the sadness of Daddy’s loss will be present. Beginning next week, we will start attending a grieving program focused on children….I hope this will help.