Author Archives: Victory Chest

Home is where our hearts belong

20 Sunday Apr 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , ,

This was the first time we were away from home as I took the girls on vacation. I am thankful to say they had fun and that brightened my time away.  I looked at them laughing and having a good time, and this made me smile.  It reminded me of the way David would look at me and smile when I was giggly with excitement of a child as he introduced me to new things or took me to new places.

It was rough being away without David, two words “David died” kept pounding my mind. I walked around almost in shock that David died. So many things reminded me of David, our travels and adventures before having kids and our life after kids. I kept thinking what will David do. While watching a show with the girls, I was reminded of how magical the experience was for me when I watched it with David several years ago. As I watched with the girls, tears flowed from my eyes as I felt the void in our life without David, who should have been sitting with us.

Even in the midst of fun, the girls also missed their Dad terribly. Once we got on the plane to depart, my younger daughter immediately started crying that she wanted to go home. She insisted that she wanted her Daddy. I want my Daddy, I want my Daddy was all she said as she cried. Others on the plane may have assumed that I snatched her off her Dad’s arm and was fleeing the country. What became shocking and almost paranormal was that once she sat in her chair, she looked outside the window and immediately stopped crying, her face lit up, happily she smiled and said “I see Daddy, Daddy is right here”. She was pointing outside the window. She remained content for the rest of the flight and insisted that the window stayed open so she could keep looking at her Daddy.

At some point during the vacation, my older daughter said to me “each time I see someone’s Daddy, I feel sad that I do not have my Daddy anymore”. Later that day, she said “Mommy, you know what, throughout the trip, I believed Daddy was at home and that is why I was not sad”. What a great coping mechanism.

When my younger daughter was playing with another girl, the girl asked where her Daddy is. Confidently, my daughter replied that “My Daddy in the sky”. The girl was baffled as she said “he is” and then almost sounding disappointed she said her Dad was on the chair.

Despite the challenges, the girls had a blast. They had fun from the moment they woke up and remained energetic into the late hours of the evening. They even got a surprise visit from their cousins and this added to the nonstop fun.  My Mom and I needed some extra days to recover from the vacation.

At the end we were all ready to go home as my younger daughter said, I want to go home to Daddy. Although David is not home, home is where I find the most comfort, it is a place of solace and where I feel closest to David.

Breaking the silence – the waiting

17 Thursday Apr 2014

Posted by in Breaking the silence

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , ,

This disease impacted our lives so much over the last 3.5 years. We were in a constant waiting mode. Waiting to schedule appointments, waiting to see Doctors, waiting in the ERs, waiting for procedures, tests results, new medication, CT scans results, MRI results. Waiting to see if the treatments were working.

Well, F you bladder cancer we are liberated from waiting. We no longer have to anxiously wait for a call from Sloan Kettering, have our hearts skip a beat when we see that dreaded number. We no longer have to wait indefinitely for the results of a CT scan, we no longer have to wait for a doctor to return a call on how to manage any symptom or pain that David was experiencing, we no longer have to wait only to hear a doctor say in the most nonchalant manner “sorry I cannot help you”. We are free from waiting for senseless information.

Whenever David had a CT scan, he preferred that they do not call until Monday so that he could enjoy his weekend.  I learned to adopt this approach also. However, at the start of the new week, in most cases, I still had to call the office for the results. At the beginning, we used to go into the office for the results but as time progressed they told us over the phone. The wait in the office was even more painful and could take up to two hours.

The waiting was so destructive and it was torture. Our experience showed me that many doctors and their staff are completely disconnected from the mental anguish families go through. They seems to refuse to understand the level of anxiety patients went through, perhaps it is because we sit patiently in their waiting rooms with a calm disposition. I recall one day as we waited on pins and needles, eventually, we got called to the back and we were asked to complete a survey for “research” purposes.  I was completed irritated as I told the youthful researcher that while I appreciate the need to support research and science, my priority at that instance was the result of David’s CT scan. She was apologetic and I told her that I can complete the survey after we received the results – also depending on the result.

We learned a lesson about patience in a way that is completely unnecessary. It was pretending to be patient while our minds ran wild and our ability to eat or drink halted. Why bring patients in just to wait for hours? Why sit on results for so long while patients are glued to their phone anxiously awaiting the call? Why does it seems that the doctors calls after-hours just as we stepped away from the phone and became unreachable until the next business day and leaving us in anticipation for at least another day?

There is some relief knowing that we are no longer at the mercy of the disease progression, the inadequate treatments or the unavailable doctors. However, it does not take away from the pain of losing you. We will have waited patiently until we found a cure.

This is one of several posts that details our experience with bladder cancer. A concise summary of the overall experience can be found in the blog post titled “breaking the silence”.

 

Taking your love for granted

12 Saturday Apr 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

, ,

img_US

Our story is based on David’s love. Love of a man who was passionate about everything he did. A man that I love dearly. A man who showed me love that seemed reserved for fairly tales. Love that I could not fathom at the beginning and I became dependent on. Love that I took for granted.

I took for granted that David will always be around to show me and his children this love. I took for granted that he will make egg pizzas for breakfast while singing and dancing or Korean meals for dinner with details like a personal chef. I took for granted that he will always fix my car, do the groceries, take care of the running of house, pay the bills, pick the girls up from school, fixed everything we broke callously, play passionately with the girls, and continue to teach me “useless information” as he called it.

David, I took for granted that you will always call just to say “I love you”. That you will always open the doors for me, send me flowers for no reason, leave me a love note, sing to me on my voicemail, get me multiple cards for my birthday, or other occasions that did not seem to warrant celebrations. No matter how beautiful the cards were you always included a personal note. I took for granted that I will run out of space to store these cards.

I took for granted that you will always hold my hands, something I used to be so shy about in public…to be young and naïve. How I wish we could take a stroll together now. I took for granted that you will always see beauty in me, even when I could not see it. I took for granted that you will always be my bodyguard as you took calculated decisions on everything you did involving your family.

I took for granted that you will be around to argue with me. No doubt we could both be stubborn but you were the peacemaker. David you could not bear to be angry with me for too long and if I stayed angry, argued relentless, or walked away stubbornly, you apologized even if you did not know what you did wrong. I remember how it used to drive me crazy when we argued and it always seemed like you purposefully lowered your voice below your usual decibel just to make mine seem louder and in turn make me seem unreasonable. I smile at those memories.

I took for granted that you will always love me and you never stopped. Your love was endless. The last words I remember you saying to me were “I love you” and that day you said it nonstop into the wee hours of the night.

Our story is a story of love. It will never be redefined by cancer. This is not a cancer blog, It is a blog about our journey and your legacy. A legacy based on love, the love you shared with me and your children. The love you left in your daughters’ who are as affectionate as you.

I love you so much and will never take your memories or legacy for granted.

Why is your name on a tombstone?

08 Tuesday Apr 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

Yesterday was the first time I saw a picture of David’s name on his tombstone. It was in the ground above his final resting place. And yesterday was the first time I really lost it crying, an uncontrollable and violent cry, a screaming and wailing cry.  I cried until it hurt and I still could not stop, even when I finally stopped, the tears were still streaming down my face.

I was MAD. Mad because the world seems so unfair, mad at the disease, mad that we did not get a MIRACLE, mad at the  lack of progress in cancer research in making better progress at preventing or curing cancer, a disease that has devasted so many lives.

The picture with David’s name on a tombstone struck a cord so deep. The grass had not fully covered the area, making it clear that it was dug out, David’s body was laid there and the dirty was placed back over. It made the death of David real, it is real, David is gone, his full name is on a tombstone with an end date.

I was MAD, I am MAD. How can you David be lying below ground buried? How can your name be on a tombstone?  This should not have been our destiny yet. It was cut too short, it is OVER, you are never walking through the doors again. Why was our story cut so short? You had the zeal and energy for life, you wanted to live, you needed to live, I needed you to live. We all did.

This is the hardest I have cried because it is confirmation that even though I want to feel that you are home, you are not, you are gone. The picture of the tombstone confirms it.  As my Sister helped console me, I finally remembered that it was Monday and Mondays always seem to be my worse days and through my tears I was able to joke about the fact.

My evening ended putting the girls in bed, they were so full of energy and so happy to see me. They reminded me of the joy of life and where my happiness resides as they hugged and kissed me until the fell asleep.

 

Remembering my Daddy – 13 years later

06 Sunday Apr 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

, ,

IMG_21

Remembering you Daddy, you are unforgettable. You are our rock, your guidance and wisdom helped in shaping who I am today. I always knew not to be fearful or worried because I  knew Daddy would protect us. I tried to ensure that I would always make you proud. I wanted to remain Daddy’s little girl forever. I miss eating your dinner with you, for some reason everything tasted better on your plate, especially rice and fish.

Your death was shocking and devastating to our family. It changed me forever, at times it made me question the purpose of life, a life without you just seemed senseless and other times it made me fearful of living knowing that it could be gone in an instance.

I mourned endlessly, people tried to assure us that time helps. I remembered thinking I just want to sleep and wake up three years later if time helps. At the three year anniversary, I reflected on that thinking and the loss was still incomprehensible  but as a family we learned to be sustained by your sweet memories and navigate life with more determination.

Your death was my first experience with grief, it was debilitating. I went through the shock, the denial, the anger, the emotional roller coaster as I lived in a world that is business as usual, and eventually the acceptance of how to balance coping with your loss with living life without you. I came to terms that you will remain forever young, I will never see you age, you will not be at my wedding, and never meet your grandchildren. In every phase of my life, I celebrate you and was thankful for the meaningful life you had and the one you gave us.

Following the recent passing of my dearest David, old wounds are reopened as I mourn the loss of the two dearest men in my life. There are days that I am crying and it becomes blurred if I am crying about David, you, or both. Your death also helps me understand how my children are/may be dealing with the loss of their Dad. As your memories have sustained me, I pray that the memories of their Dad will also bring them comfort and happiness.

After 13 years, I miss you just like it was yesterday. I love you immensely and never stop thinking about you.

Sincerely,

Your “Chocolate and popcorn” daughter

 

Never coming upstairs again

04 Friday Apr 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , ,

img_1525 copy

As I came upstairs tonight, I was feeling down knowing David is never coming upstairs again. I recognized the sound of his footstep so well. It used to be fast and energetic.

As the disease started taking a toll on David, the speed and energy of his steps also changes. Regardless, I looked forward to hearing his steps as he came upstairs at the end of his workday. In many cases, it indicated the sign of playtime with the girls, pre-dinner snacking, questions about dinner, discussions about the latest gadget on gizmodo and other random conversations.

The sound of David’s steps as he came upstairs was also a predictor of how he was feeling, the slower and longer he took indicated that he was having a rough day. I listen for his steps and was delighted when he could join in the bath time or bedtime routine. I also remained optimistic that his steps will return with its usual energetic and powerful stomps.

I miss looking forward to David’s footsteps, I am sad knowing it is never to be heard again. I am grateful for the girls and the sound of their footsteps. Steps which are relatively powerful especially relative to their sizes. Steps that I hear just in the nick of time to cheer me up.

Failing

03 Thursday Apr 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, ,

At times, I feel like I am failing. Failing because I do not have a good handle on the routine of running the household. From being efficient at motherhood to the nuances of the household.

Failing because my children’s routine are almost nonexistence. I struggle to get the girls to sleep at the right time, eat the meal I prepare, and even lack the energy to give them a bath at times. Granted these are some of the struggles parenthood, they just seem compounded without David.

Failing because when I look around the house and see the aftermath of winter. There are things that need to be addressed or fixed that I do not understand. I am sure some are minor but I really have no clue where to start. Is it a minor plumbing issue or do I need a plumber? David would have known, he was so handy and he could fix anything.

David, where are you? You fixed everything. I look at the tools on your workbench and I am even more clueless. I feel like I am failing and I need you to fix that too. Failing is not an option, I know you will never accept that, I have to get through this but how I wish you could fix it.

Missing you more….

Overthinking a cold

01 Tuesday Apr 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , ,

Over the last week, the girls were down with the cold, cough, strep throat etc. It put a damper in the plans for their playdates and other activities. Luckily, they were unaware of most of the plans since I have learned to only inform them of things when I am almost certain it will happen to avoid unnecessary disappointments.

I realized that I was a bit anxious when they were not feeling well. While it is completely reasonable to believe it was just a cold or just strep throat, I was overthinking what may be causing it.  Frankly, I used to be a bit paranoid about these situation even before David’s illness but I think that the experience from his illness may have made it worse – overthinking the smallest pain, cough, cold, or bruise.

It turns out I was not thinking alone, when I told my older daughter I was taking her to the Doctor, she was upset about going (she usually looks forward to seeing her Doctor especially for her routine check ups). She proceed to say that “I do not want to end up like Daddy did”. Clearly her fever had generated some concerns for her also.  I explained to her that this was not the case and that there are times we do not feel good however we make quick recoveries. I tried to explain that Daddy’s case was a rare exception, one that we will never have to experience again by God’s grace.

When my younger daughter started running a temperature in the middle of the night, it became apparent that she was missing her Dad.  She went downstairs with my Mom crying and asking that she want her Daddy. I went downstairs to try to soothe her. She was not happy with my response that Daddy is not here. I was sad as I realized that she just wanted the warm and soothing embrace of Daddy to make her feel better.  Thanks to some late night treat (whipped cream and mango) she calmed down and went back to bed.

Spring break vacation

30 Sunday Mar 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

Since school will be out for spring break, I plan to take the girls on vacation. It was a vacation we planned last year but could not make it and we kept postponing it due to David’s illness. We always remained optimistic that he would get a “break” and would be able to take the vacation…sadly, it was not the case.

My older daughter has been counting down to the break and frankly, I was looking forward to it as well.  Now I am overwhelmed, saddened, and afraid of going on a vacation without David, our pilot. How are we going on a vacation without David? How would I handle seeing other families that seem complete?  How will the kids handle seeing all the other Dads?  Is this life as I know it now?

David who always tried to ensure that I do not wait until the last minute to start packing (he never succeeded). David who always laughed at the amount of luggage I hauled as he fit all his items in a carry-on. David who could navigates well with an old fashioned map, in fact I think he secretly preferred it to the new age car navigation systems. David who put the “r” in relaxation once we get to our final destination.

I am also saddened as I realized that we will never have a family vacation picture with all of us in it. The last vacation we took together, how I wished I approached a stranger to take a picture of all four of us together. There is no more opportunity to do this and I am still beating myself up for that.

I know I will be constantly reminded of David on the vacation. I just hope sweet memories will get me through the sadness of missing him. I also hope that the girls will have a nice time even as they are reminded that we are incomplete without David.

The picture below is the closest to a family picture from our last vacation as we alternated taking pictures.

img_v

It is a raining day

29 Saturday Mar 2014

Posted by in Road to victory

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, ,

I have never liked rainy days. Prolonged rain has a way of making me feel sad. David actually loved the rain. He used to sit outside in the rain and listen to the rain. He found it very relaxing. He wanted an awning over the deck so he could sit comfortably under and enjoy the rain. I remember one stormy day as he sat on the deck listening to the rain, I insisted it was dangerous and made him come inside as he tried to argue that my concerns about lightning were unfounded.

Today, as it continues to rain, I feel depleted of energy and have a strong sense of the loss of my dearest David. I wish he was here so badly. I fell asleep last night looking at pictures, I continued again this morning. I am reminiscing and I want to believe he is still alive because I am having a really hard time dealing with the fact that he is not.

As I looked through pictures I found some pictures I thought I had lost, they made me happy as I remembered the good old days. Sadly, such days are never to be experienced again with David. But I will hold on to these pictures and the memories because I remembered the day vividly and it was a fun family outfitting as we went to watch our first (and last) football game like an all American family rooting all the way for UConn.

DnB5a