My reality is one that I absolutely hate. I still wish I could wake up from this terrible dream. Part of how I cope is trying to keep occupied as much as possible and keeping occupied until I fall asleep. Staying busy allows me to avoid dealing with or thinking too hard about my reality. The reality that our life is now without David. A reality that I have not embraced.

In many ways I still function like David is here. I am not delusional, I know he is not. However most of my day to day action does not reflect this. When completing forms at Doctors’ offices or similar settings, I still provide David’s full information. Also, when talking to people in random setting, I engage in casual conversations and speak of David like he is still alive.

I have no desire to change this anytime soon and this is evident in most of my actions  including the fact that I have not updated most documents reflecting our life together. I believe it is because I cannot come to terms with telling mere strangers that I need to update my information because my husband passed away. It is upsetting plus I just do not want to deal with the canned sympathy that may come along.