• Breaking the silence, the road to victory

VICTORY CHEST

~ Memories of my husband lost too soon to cancer and life with our amazing daughters

VICTORY CHEST

Monthly Archives: July 2014

This cancer beast must be stopped

29 Tuesday Jul 2014

Posted by Victory Chest in Road to victory

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bladder cancer, cancer beast, cancer research, cancer sucks, conquer the cancer beast

I am shocked by how many people and families are affected by cancer. As I talk more freely about David’s battle with cancer and our struggle, I have gotten to know many others that have been affected with cancer. Some have/had cancer, have a loved one with cancer, or lost a family member to this beast.

This beast has interrupted or destroyed so many lives. The faces of people affected are vast, it does not discern age, race, gender, or ethnicity. There are so many conflicting messages on what causes various types of cancer, what causes one form may be said to prevent another. It seems like a guessing game. It speaks to the fact that there is so much unknown about cancer.

Granted some progress have been made in fighting some forms of cancer but clearly we are still so far behind in the fight against this beast. Some of the cancers that have been well funded and research such as breast cancer still continues to take one too many lives. And there are so many other types of cancers lacking considerably in research and progress such as bladder cancer. For bladder cancer, one of the standard chemo has been available for over two decades and has dismal effectiveness especially when the cancer is more advanced.

Why is the dismal prognosis status-quo for many patients with advanced cancer while most routine medical check-ups do not allow for early diagnosis of many cancers? What can be done to better detect more cancers earlier? What can be done to better understand the cause of cancer?

David was good about going to the Doctor. He had his routine medical exams and made periodic trips to the doctors whenever he did not feel good. His primary care doctor knew him well as did his Urologist. So with all the frequent visits and periodic complaints about discomfort in his bladder, how come bladder cancer was not ruled out earlier? Why were they so quick to assume he had UTI and frequently prescribed antibiotics? Even if it was UTI, at what point would it have made sense to try to better understand the cause of the reoccurring UTIs rather than just treating the symptoms? How did a Urologist fail to recognize some of the hallmark symptoms of bladder cancer?

In my irrational state of grief and also despair during David’s illness, I have wondered if the prefer approach for handling cancer is to manage the disease rather than curing it. People have become accustomed to words like remission – a word that clearly does not reflect a cure but in my view may add to the anticipation that the beast may return.

Let’s kill the cancer beast! We are an intelligent generation, the progress in science and technology in the last century has been remarkable. There have been so much progress in treating and curing diseases that devastated lives centuries and even decades ago. Cancer will not be an exception.  We need better treatment with better results, not months improvement in survival, not years, we need a cure. We need medications that do not cause worse symptoms than the disease.

I write without a solution but with great hope that it can be done. I am optimistic for our generation and I am more optimistic for my children’s generation. No cancer death should be in vain…..let’s conquer this beast.

My Daddy is lost

24 Thursday Jul 2014

Posted by Victory Chest in Road to victory

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Tags

grief, Missing you

This week has been very challenging emotionally.  My daughters have cried almost every night asking for their Daddy. The nightly tears are present regardless of the fact that they are having a nice summer. It reflects the sadness we carry around with you regardless of the happy moments.

A few nights ago, when my younger daughter was crying for her Daddy, I asked her if she dreams about Daddy.  Angrily, she looked at me and said “no, my Daddy is lost”. I could no longer hold back my tears. She has waited long enough for her Daddy to come home. She believes that her Daddy is in the sky and in her heart. She misses him and wants him to come back to her, back to the way life used to be. Since this has not happened she resorted to thinking he is lost.

This is how she understands the absence of her Daddy.  As I reflected on her comment, I realized that I often write about David like he is lost when I speak of “my loss of David”. It made me wonder if or how kids grief differently from adult. I know grief is real even in young kids. A few people have suggested to me that the girls would be fine since they are young – like this in some way should make them resilient.

I guess it depends on what is defined as fine because there is nothing fine about having them grow up without David. I certainly hope they would learn to always find happiness and come to terms with the premature death of their Dad. But right now, we are really struggling with his loss and I feel lost without David.

Road trips with David

19 Saturday Jul 2014

Posted by Victory Chest in Road to victory

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Tags

car, Daddy's car, David, Driving, Missing you, road trips

David driving on our honeymoon

David driving on our honeymoon

I see the dust accumulating on David’s car in the garage and I am painfully reminded of his absence. I miss him driving me and the girls. I miss going places with David. I console myself with fun memories of road trips we had.

David enjoyed driving, we went on so many road trips together. Driving was his default mode of transportation. Flying was only considered when it was more than a 10-hour drive each way. He prepped the car for the road trips ensuring that we were prepared for many situations. The blankets, pillows and bottles of water were some of the most essential items.

David drove and I enjoyed being the passenger and at times the annoying co-pilot. On rare occasions, he would let me drive after I remained adamant that he needed a break.

I remembered the first time I got in a car with David and I also have so many fun memories of driving with David. We tried to spend as much time together even when we did not have any destination in mind. We saw lots of sunrises and sunsets. We drove across State line and explored neighboring States. I enjoyed napping on the longer trips. MacDonald was the preferred stop for restroom breaks because David said they always have clean bathrooms.

Our longest road trip was from El Paso to Atlanta and he made it even longer by taking a longer route so we could see other places of interest along the coastline. Taking longer routes was something he did often to allow us to spend more time together.

The most impromptu trip was from Virginia to Orlando. Bored over a spring break holiday, I said let’s go to Disney and surprisingly he said YES. A few hours later, we were in the car on the way to Disney. My happiness that day matched that of overly excited kids on their way to Disney.

The most nerve-wrecking trip was in the UK as David tried to adjust to driving on the right side of the road. After he returned the rental car, he kissed the ground thankful that we returned safely.

The most unpredictable trip was going to see his parents for the first time. He assured me that I would have fun and there was nothing to anticipate and he was correct. His parents were ever so warm, welcoming, and loving.

The most frequent road trips were the ones David made to see me. For years, he would drive 10-hours each way just so we could spend as much time together. He always said time went flew by because listened to the same set of songs repeatedly.

Driving was something David enjoyed, his car is part of our memory of David. I was with him when he bought the car. It was the car we drove to the hospital to deliver our older daughter as he drove uncharacteristically nervous. It is the car he used drive to drop and pick up our daughters from school. They had their own songs they listened to in that car, those songs now trigger memories of David.

The car now sits in the garage with the battery completely drained. My older daughter has made it clear that she wants us to keep it. She was so upset when I asked if we should sell it and said “I am so angry that you will even ask that question”. She said even if it is not working, we need to keep it as one of Daddy’s memories.

So the car continues to sit in the garage and my younger daughter fondly points to it often and says “that is my Daddy’s car”.

Breaking the silence – the practice year

12 Saturday Jul 2014

Posted by Victory Chest in Breaking the silence

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death, practice year, preparing for death

I refer to 2013 as the bonus year and the practice year.

It was the bonus year considering that the disease was very aggressive and advance at the time of the diagnosis and it was the third year of trying to manage it. As of Feb 2013, one of the Doctors unsolicited said at best he only had a few more months to live.

David fought extra hard to make it through 2013. He did everything to stay alive, tried any treatment and even all sorts of diet and lifestyle modification. Most of all, he withstood a LOT of physical pain. He always said he would keep trying no matter what and he did. His determination got him through all of 2013 against all odds.

I also refer to 2013 as the practice year because I had to start doing many of the household and life routine on my own. However, I was fortunate that David was around to guide me or encourage me. I even had to deal with the contractors we hired to do some work around the house and also get the cars serviced. I avoided such activities in the past because I always felt that they would not take me seriously or worse try to sell me things I did not need. I realized it helped to pretend like I knew what I was talking about with the contractors even if I was clueless.

Regardless of how hard David fought to stay alive, he was also a realist and tried to prepare me for the inevitable. He knew I had no interest in discussing this so it made it more difficult for him and he had to approach preparing me with less direct approaches. He would passively mention things to me about important documents, home maintenance information or the bills. Defensively, I would tell him that I do not need to know since that was his job to handle. I finally agreed to learn how he handled the bills in October.

December 2013 was the only time David and I talked about making plans for his death and he showed me a note he wrote with the expectation that he would live until Dec 2013. He wrote the note in March 2012 following the reoccurrence of the cancer because he said he came to the realization that the cancer was too aggressive and would most certainly lead to his death.

He knew premature death was inevitable regardless of how much I refused to accept and he prepared as best as he could. I later found that he organized things to ensure that I could access things I needed. He showed me how things work in the house and gave me the courage to do Mommy and Daddy duties. David was always a planner and I am sure if I had come to terms with the fact that death was looming, he would have planned even more things.

While it was the most painful year ever, I am so grateful that David hung in and helped me practice what I should be doing when he is no longer around. As bad as things are without him, it would have been far worse if I was left completely unprepared following his death.

This is one of several posts that details our experience with bladder cancer. A concise summary of the overall experience can be found in the blog post titled “breaking the silence”.

When grief strikes

09 Wednesday Jul 2014

Posted by Victory Chest in Road to victory

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children, David, fireworks, grief, July 4th

IMG_66

It is hard to predict when grief will strike. Seemingly normal or happy occasions can rapidly turn into very sad moments of grief.

I wrote previously about looking forward to watch the July 4th fireworks with the girls. I had assumed that since the day had gone quite well, they would also have a good evening and enjoying the fireworks. Once we found a good vantage point to see the fireworks, the girls were quite excited to see the sky light up.  A few minutes into the show, my younger daughter stormed off saying “Daddy is never going to see the fireworks ever again” and started crying. This had an immediate ripple effect with my older daughter saying “now I am sad too because I miss my Daddy”.

My older daughter was so upset and when into a complete state of sadness.  She cried as she asked why Daddy did not get better. She believed he was going to get better. She said she even wished upon a shooting star that he got better and her wish did not come true. Why did he have to die she asked?

At this point we were all so sad, she asked about stories of Daddy to help make her feel better but I was to sad too even think or share any stories. Thankfully, my Mom came to the rescue and shared a story of about David kindness and compassion. After she was done, my daughter said, “thank you Grandma, I feel better now”.

I realized that the fireworks triggered memories with their Dad which resulted in grief. This affirms how we carry this boulder of grief around in everything we do. We can never anticipate when it will overpower us during seemingly normal or even happy moments. Our grief at that point was so overpowering, I was so weakened by it to the extend that I was unable to share a story about David even though it will have helped make the girls feel better. This was definitely a low moment and I was thankful my Mother was able to help.

Fireworks, Independence day

04 Friday Jul 2014

Posted by Victory Chest in Road to victory

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David, fireworks, Independence day, July 4th

IMG_64

David and I have always enjoyed watching fireworks display on July 4th in celebration of Independence day. Most years, we found a good location to watch while managing to avoid the crowds and mass exodus after the show.

The need to avoid the crowd was even more important after we had children. With the girls, it was also challenging to watch the firework considering that it is done quite late in the evening. For our first July 4th as parents, we took our daughter to a park that had many activities and music all day but left before the fireworks display in order to avoid the crowds.

The next year, we were keen to see the fireworks, so after dinner, we put my daughter in her pajamas, parked in a hilly area with a good vantage point for the fireworks and yet far away from the crowds. The last few years, we have been fortunate enough to see fireworks within the vicinity of our home.

One of my best memories of fireworks with David actually did not involve real fireworks. We were driving late in the evening and it started to snow. It was my first time driving at night in the snow. As the snow came down on the windshield and with the dark road in the background, I said to David with excitement, “it looks like fireworks”. David got such a kick about my comment and said he loved how I see some things with the innocence of a child.

Fireworks bring many great memories with David. It brought out the child in me and David enjoyed watching my excitement.  The July 4th fireworks was the one we saw routinely and this one is always special since it brought a strong sense of pride and patriotism.

Tonight, I hope we are lucky to see the firework display within the vicinity of our home so that I can enjoy the excitement with my daughters.

Happy Independence Day, USA!!!

The perfect dream

02 Wednesday Jul 2014

Posted by Victory Chest in Road to victory

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Dream, encouragement, press on

The smile that I miss so much

The smile that I miss so much

I have had very limited dreams of David and most of them leave me feeling sad since it was generally based on David being ill or his untimely death. I also dreaded having dreams in which David was still alive and we were living our normal lives because I knew I would wake up to life without David and disappointed it is not a bad dream.

Recently, I had a dream that I was running, running because something was chasing me. I had a very clear lead and it was practically impossible to be caught but I had to keep running to maintain the pace because whatever I was running from was relentless. Just as I was about to stop running, David appeared. He was full of smiles and looked at me with great pride and said “don’t stop, keep going, I knew you could do it, see I told you you can do it, keep going, do not stop”, you are doing great”. Shortly after he disappeared and I continued running.

When I woke up and reflected on the dream, it made me feel happy. I felt happy especially because I saw David the way I want to remember him. In his usual form – full of energy and enthusiasm and the brightest smile. Also, I reflected on the dream as a message of encouragement from David because there are so many times that I have felt too sad or overwhelmed about the absence of David in our lives.

I remembered how I used to tell David he could not leave me alone with the girls and that we needed to raise the girls together. He knew this was one of my biggest concern and in hindsight I think i made him feel sad as he worried that I would fall apart. Given his happy disposition in the dream, I at least feel like he is content that somehow we are managing to function in the midst of our devastation.

David was always encouraging, adaptable to situations to find solutions. One of his common phrase when we faced challenging situations was “we press on”. So we will continue to press on regardless of how difficult it is. I am so grateful for this dream – for me it was the perfect dream, because it felt like I had an actual conversation with David.

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