Monthly Archives: May 2014

Coping with hard days

06 Tuesday May 2014

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Some days are just more difficult than others. This month, almost everyday has been rough. Hopefully, I can turn this around soon. I am struggling to find some comfort or a good distraction. I cleaned the garage yesterday, at the time it felt therapeutic, however I felt sad later that I was doing something David should have been doing. Also, seeing his car just sitting in the garage motionless for months was a sad reminder of life without David.

Unlike some days, I have not been able to fight the urge to cry. I found myself crying in the cafeteria at work today, what horror! So many random things have set me off. Why does this week seem extra hard? Is this the logically progression of grief or is it also due to my apprehension about our upcoming anniversary?

I struggle to understand why people at times perceive me to be strong. Based on the context, I am usually grateful, other times puzzled, and in some cases angered.  Angry mostly at myself since I realize that I may be portraying a false perception of my reality. Rather than walking around downcast, I try to cope with David’s loss with courage in public and have a regular demeanor. For me, walking around downcast will only add more sadness and frustration. This however does not reflect my current reality, one that has lots of pain, anger, sadness, and tears. One that is also brightened by my daughters, family, and friends.

Skates and Bicycle

06 Tuesday May 2014

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It is no surprise that my daughters like to skate considering that David was an avid skater. The girls used to put on David’s skates and play in his office. About two years ago, he eventually bought them their first pair of roller skates. He would have loved to teach them how to skate. My older one is very keen to learn now, on the weekends, she wakes up earlier than her Sister on the weekends so that I can “try” to teach her without interruption.

Of course my teaching skills are completely questionable considering that I do not think I can skate confidently. Years of not skating has made me apprehensive about skating again. How can I teach something I no longer think I can do? Skating will always be so dear to my heart since that is how I met David as I wrote in this blogpost. Hopefully, her interest in skating will motivate me to get back on the roller skates. It will be nice to be able to skate with my daughters.

It turns out that I have told my daughter too many times that I met her Dad at a roller skating rink, the last time she had her skates on, I said did you know that I met your Dad at the roller staking rink, she gave me a cynical look as she said “again, you have told me this like a thousand times”.

My older daughter is also keen on biking without her training wheels on. David got her a bicycle without training wheels over two years ago. I have a feeling I will be spending a good bit of time teaching both of them what should have been David’s duty – how to skate and for my older daughter how to bike without training wheels.

David was so patient and also technical in his teaching approach, he also taught them to do things with little or no inhibition. For me, my first aim in teaching is to protect them from getting hurt saying things like “don’t do that you will fall”, this probably interferes with teaching. I am also quite a visual person and try to explain things simply the way I see it without accounting for the laws of physics. I hope my approach will work.

Below is a pictures of David teaching our younger daughter to bike.

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My mayday alert

01 Thursday May 2014

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May is a month that we celebrated many special occasions. It is the month of my birthday, the month we got married, the month for celebrating mother’s day. June is equally special, it is the month of David’s birthday and father’s day. Additionally, it is the month of daughter’s birthday and my Dad’s birthday.

David was big on celebrating every occasion. May was my month and June was his month. I received multiple cards for each occasion and there was usually a personal touch or an element of surprise. June was David’s month but I could never top anything David did for me. Like David I will buy more than one card for each occasion but unlike David I was really bad at personalizing the cards. In fact, I still have some cards that I never gave him. He used to joke that he will write his cards for himself.

I enter this month wondering how I will hold up as each of these occasion occur. I am most concerned with how I will handle our anniversary, David’s birthday, and father’s day. For our anniversary, I think I will take the day off work.

For David’s birthday I will ask my older daughter for suggestions on what to do. In February, she asked that “since Daddy is gone, can we still celebrate his birthday?”. I hope we can find something to do to make it a meaningful day. For father’s day, if they are doing any father’s day projects at school, I will ask that my daughters do the same projects in honor of their Dad.