My first writing

The picture above is from my first writing. I started writing a few days before David died. It was the first time I documented my thoughts. I knew that the end was closer, my world was caving in on me. I could not escape it, I could not stop it. Yet almost everyone else in my life had no clue what we were dealing with. How could I have bottled so much for so long? I needed an outlet to express what we had gone through and the journey ahead.

The first time I wrote was the Sunday before David died. On that day, I woke up with a very unusual sickness. No clear reason for the illness, no fever but rather I was extremely fatigued with total body weakness. Luckily, my Mom was around to watch the girls and help David.

I wondered what was happening to me. Surely this was not the time to be sick, but somehow my body had turned against me. I could not get out of bed all day but later in the day I managed to write how I was feeling.

The notes were never part of the blog, I started the blog two days after David died and it has been a good outlet for me. While I write more freely on the blog, I still struggle with discussing my emotions in real life. The details of what I wrote that Sunday is shown below:

Today I could not get out of bed

I felt sick like never before- nausea , stomach cramp and extreme fatigue

Eventually vomiting bile since my stomach was empty

I lay here wondering what is wrong, wondering if there is a psychological element. One that may have overwhelmed me into my physical well being. 

For the first time I wondered if could be depressed and what depression felt like i.e. to what extend can it manifest physically. After much consideration I think, it may be more of the anxiety of the unknown and what the future holds that may be affecting me. 

I was saddened by my sickness, knowing how much my darling David has endured day to day for years as he battled with cancer. My Airman, thanks for putting on the good fight. Your fortitude is greatly appreciated. 

#understanding impact of emotional well being on the physical health