I remembered when we got our first matching phones and similar numbers over a decade ago. It was a good feeling, it was like a first step to being a real couple.

I miss hearing David’s voice. Calling his number was second nature, I called him for everything. I called even when there was nothing to talk about and he also did the same. If he did not answer my call, I usually just hung up unlike David who always left a message. His message always started with “Hi Sweetheart”.

Even though I know he will never answer his phone again, I still call his number and a part of me strangely hopes that like the good old days, he would pick up. Unfortunately, because we changed phone providers late last year and he never set up a new voicemail so I don’t even get to hear his voice. The decision to change provider is one that I regret because I also lost all the messages David left on my cell phone.

One evening, as my older daughter was missing her Dad, she dialed his number. I know a part of her was hoping he would answer the call but it just went to the generic voicemail. Eventually, she stopped trying and feeling disappointed she asked me why isn’t Daddy answering his phone?

Regardless of the absence of his voice on the voicemail, I am not ready to disconnect his number, like many things, this is something I am holding on to. The decision to maintain the number may be against conventional wisdom but for me, the number is so dear. It is David’s number, it is our number and I am not willing to release it knowing it will be re-assigned to someone else.