Thankful for what? I have asked myself this question often and with thanksgiving approaching I keep thinking of the question.

Thanksgiving is one of the holidays David and I enjoyed a lot. We looked forward to the time off, we typically spent the time with family starting with his parents and then with my family. I remember fondly how we joked after dinner about who will go out as early as 3 am in search of black friday deals (it was never us).

In 2010, thanksgiving day became a day I remember with great pain. It was the day David told me there was something wrong. It was the day, I feared he had cancer and was immediately afraid of what that could mean. It was the beginning of a fight fought with great hope and determination.

I believed that by 2011 thanksgiving, we would be able to rejoice and be thankful that the cancer was permanently cured. Sadly, it was short lived. In 2012, we were already dealing with the reoccurrence of the bladder cancer but that did not stop us from enjoying thanksgiving, it provided a glimpse of what thanksgiving should be like as we celebrated in our new home with family. We made fried turkey and it was such a fun experience. I remember his shock as I said we will make fried turkey in an oilless frier. It sounded like hocus pocus but David went along with the plan and was eager to try the new gadget. We marveled at how well the turkey looked and tasted, he really had fun making it that he made turkey again on Christmas day.

Sadly, thanksgiving in 2013 was a very different story as my dear David was on admission at the hospital. My brain was flood with sadness and fear, I had no appetite. In fact, there were moments that I forgot it was thanksgiving day. Thanks to my Sister who came to the house with thanksgiving dinner. It was impossible for me to enjoy the meal and I went back to the hospital to be with David.

This year, I started thinking of thanksgiving very early, how can my daughters and I get by with David gone. I needed to avoid our typical tradition of thanksgiving. I was not ready to make a turkey without David, the thought was too painful. I decided to take my daughters to NYC in hopes that we can watch the Macys thanksgiving parade. It was something David and I planned to do in 2009 when our older daughter was one but we changed our mind due to the weather and also realizing that it would be hard to navigate the city with a stroller. So this thanksgiving, I am braving the weather in NYC with my family.

Today and each day, I have a lot of the thankful for:

• I am thankful for love, the love I had from David, a love that continues to sustain me.
• I am thankful for the unconditional love I have for my children and for the love they show me.
• I am thankful for the love my Mom and Dad show/showed me, the one that helped shaped who I am today.
• I am thankful for my Sister and Brothers, the love of growing up in a family with four children that made us learn early in life how to share and care.
• I am thankful for David’s Mom, her love, her grace, and her help in sharing David’s legacy with his children.
• I am thankful friendship. My older friends that have stuck with me in the good and the bad and the new friends I have made in the face of adversity that have shown me the goodness of people.
• I am thankful for my extended family – a very big one with amazing Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins that show their love and support.
• I am thankful that I have had the determination to wake up each day and try to make the best of the day.
• I am thankful for our home “the house that David built“, it is a place of solace and comfort.

I have a lot to be thankful for, I only wish David being alive and well is one of them.

Happy Thanksgiving!