The picture David always kept in his wallet

I still struggle to use the words “dead” or “died” when referring to David even when writing on this blog. I prefer using words that are frankly more meaningless because they feel less hurtful to me. As I result, I use phases like “absence, loss, passing, gone etc. I also do not recall anyone that expressed condolences using any of the “D’ words, I assume this is true for many of the sympathy cards also. I understand this completely since alternative words appear to soften to harshness of death even if it fails to fully communicate the reality of the death. \

A word like “absence” suggest that he missed something like a meeting or an appointment. Passing is even vaguer – what does that mean, passed to where? The word “loss” implies that he is to be found and “gone” may be inferred to indicate that he left for the day – like he will be back the next day.

I recall having to tell my older daughter on that fateful day that “Daddy died”. As I type this my heart sinks again. That is the most painful phrase I have ever used. I tried to prepare ahead for how to communicate death with the girls. I read that it is better to communicate death as it is with kids so they are not confused with more passive phrases that may lead them to think the person is coming back. Using words that suggest that the deceased has gone for an eternal sleep I understood could introduce additional anxiety to children since they may become afraid of sleeping and never waking up.

I know it was necessary to be direct in communicating what happened with my older daughter. I believe it conveyed the message immediately. This however did not translate to instant grief. My older daughter actually took the news better than expected at first. Her grief was delayed and I have come to understand that this is expected given her age.

David is not coming back. He died. I get it but it is so cruel, so mean, so evil. I hate the word. I have yet to come to terms with using the word – and I do not know if I ever will or want to. Each time I say “David died”, I lose a bit more of my sanity and composure. How can this be my reality?  Perhaps it is the part of me that still function in a state of denial that prefers to avoid the “D” word.  The passive phrases remains my preference because they are not as crass.