As we bring 2014 to a close and I reflect on the year, I can sincerely say that 2013 not 2014 was the worst year of my life.  This may seem strange since 2014 was the year that David died.

2013 was a nightmare. Every day was spent dreading the unthinkable….fearing what cancer would do to David and our lives.  I remembered ringing in 2013 crying because I was afraid of what that year will bring. Throughout the year, I watched David endured so many unsuccessful procedures, physicial and mental pain. We lived in fear and we were held hostage by cancer. It controlled our lives—every single step.  I got through the year only by pretending or trying to ignore what havoc cancer was causing in our lives.

I have very little recollection of ringing in 2014, it was un-ceremonial for the obvious reason that David was so sick. In fact, I was asleep before midnight and that is something that had never happened before in my adult life.  I remember getting up right after midnight and waking David up to proudly tell him that “you made it into 2014”, he simply smiled and went back to sleep.

2014 has been unbearably painful as I tried to come to terms with the death of my husband, the father of my children. It has been a year of great challenges and tribulation. We have had many first without David and it just does not seem easier. I have experience great pain and sadness. The key difference between 2013 and 2014 is that the fear of  the unknown is no longer lingering. I spent most of 2014 facing my fears.

Tonight, I tried to celebrate new year’s eve like David and I used to. I went to the store bought the seafood and the drink. Shortly after the sadness set in, how could I be drinking and eating seafood on new year’s eve without David. Talking to my Mom and Sister helped and soon after we set up the food and the drinks and enjoyed an early new year’s eve dinner.

I will be up to ring in 2015. I will have a drink and a toast in memories of my dearest David who should have been right here with me. I am determined to continue to face my fears in 2015. I have learned a lot in 2014 and still have a lot to learn. I know I need even more strength and determination to get through 2015 in order to make life as best as I can for my children and hopefully for me.

Thank you to all that have helped me and my family get through 2014. Our road to victory continues. Happy New Year!!!