David in his jacket at our anniversary dinner

David was typically very casual and once he found an item of clothing he liked, he would wear it consistently until it is worn out. This is especially true for his jacket, blue jeans, and shoes.

He was especially fond of his leather jacket. He had broken into it nicely over the years and it was like it had become a part of his body. Even in the frigid winter, his leather jacket was his go to jacket. I recall our good friend telling me that anytime she thinks of David, she sees him in his leather jacket.

I remember arguing with David as we travelled transatlantic and he decided to travel with his leather jacket and I asked that he wore something that was newer. Adamantly, he insisted on wearing it saying it was comfortable for traveling.

Last night, my older daughter saw the jacket hanging in the same place David left it. She wanted to look at it so we went through the pockets.  I was secretly hoping to find a letter from David with a message that will bring me some much needed encouragement given that I was emotionally drained.

In the chest pocket, I found a receipt from our last dinner together. It was our anniversary dinner. I recall that day very well. We wanted to be our old selves again but there were glaring signs of the illness. We did not have an appetite plus I had no desire to have a cocktail knowing David was unable to have any. Nothing felt normal, in fact both our minds were heavy probably as we saw how the disease had changes us and also feared what may be next.

We finally agreed to call it a night. It was not the dinner we wanted and David especially felt disappointed. He wanted another chance to have a better meal in a better atmosphere and hopefully with less stress. The next day, he gave me a card asking for a do-over. Unfortunately, we were never able to have our do-over dinner.

Seeing the receipt in pocket last night made me burst out crying and got my daughter who has been missing David so much lately to join in the crying. It reminded me of the sadness I felt that night perhaps because a part of me was afraid it could be our last anniversary. I also reminded me that it was the last time I dined with David, something that we did so frequently in the past especially before kids and even with kids.

I sat with my daughter for while until we pulled ourselves together and put the receipt back in his jacket.

Below is a picture of the do-over card he gave me, inside he wrote a note about how we can overcome and we can beat the odds. I still choose to believe this is true, we will overcome, cancer will never claim victory over us.