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I want my Daddy to come home!

02 Sunday Nov 2014

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When my younger daughter woke up yesterday, the first thing she said was “I want my Daddy”. I tried to console her by saying I know you miss him. Then she asked “Where is my Daddy”. I reminded her that Daddy died. Disagreeing with me she said “Daddy is home”. I said to her that Daddy died and is not at home. Such heartbreak for both of us. She started crying and repeatedly said, “I want my Daddy to come to my house”.

I still struggle to use the D word but also find it helpful in responding to her in order to provide clarity on what it means and the finality. My guess is that she was dreaming about her Dad and was disappointed when she woke up to the realization that he is not home. For the rest of the day, she continued to ask about her Daddy or cried when she remembered he is not at home. Bedtime was even worse as she screamed that she wants her Dad in her house. She cried, I cried. She was sad to see me crying so she quickly put on a smile and a happy face and said to me “see, Mommy I am happy, don’t cry.”

I explained to her that it is ok to be sad and cry about missing Daddy. I also let her know that I get sad about Daddy not being home. Eventually, we watched a short video of David playing with my older daughter when she was a baby. The video made her happy and she played the clip repeatedly as she giggled.

Over the last month, she seems to be struggling more to understand why her Daddy is not home. I understand that at her age, the finality of death is even harder to understand. She is still hopeful that he will come home. She brings up her Daddy very often, she talks about him being in the sky and in her heart. When she is upset with me or others, she tells me, she will tell her Daddy so he can put me on time out.

She is longing for him to come home. Recently, the home phone rang and excitedly she asked “is that my Daddy?” I explained to her that Daddy cannot call anymore then she asked “why does Daddy not have a phone”?

While it may be harder for her to articulate all her feelings or fully understand the finality of death, grief is present and painful. My heart aches that I cannot help her feel better. The pain of hearing her say ” Mommy, I am a little sad because I miss my Daddy” or “Mommy, don’t wipe my tears, I am crying because I miss my Daddy” is gut wrenching.

These periods of grief are painful reminders of life without David. Happy moments do not take away the periods of grief. In fact, happy moments at time results in sadness due to grief as I imagine how much better those moments would have been with David around. That was how I felt on Friday evening, I had fun taking the girls trick or treating with our neighbors but felt quite sad that David was not with us.

The house that David built

26 Monday May 2014

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home sweet home

home sweet home

On Friday, I had a very nice and uplifting conversation with a good friend. At some point during the conversation, she ventured to ask me what no one else has asked. As she hesitated, I immediately knew what she had in mind. Finally, she asked “are you guys ok?” She meant this in the financial terms.

Soon after David passed, some people asked whether we would be staying in our home. I assumed it was being asked in the context of whether I would want to live in the house without David or if it will be too painful. I later realized that at times, it was meant in a different context of whether we would need to move out.

David knew this would be our home the moment he walked in. He took a few step inside with our realtor, a dear family friend and said to her – this is the house go and get my wife from the car. Soon we moved in and never had any regret but rather a feeling of contentment.

I fondly refer to our home as “the house that David built”. Although he did not literally build it, he added touches to reflect our needs and personality – as the Mr fix it, DIY guy, I know he planned to do so many other things – including building a laundry chute to the basement. It is where I find the most comfort and peace. I feel a closeness to David in our home. The girls like it here to, they are comfortable at home.  In fact, when the miss their Dad, they like going to his office to play as they used to do with him.

For these reasons, I am extremely grateful that we do not have to move. This is our home filled with memories and hopefully many more great memories to come.

 

Home is where our hearts belong

20 Sunday Apr 2014

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This was the first time we were away from home as I took the girls on vacation. I am thankful to say they had fun and that brightened my time away.  I looked at them laughing and having a good time, and this made me smile.  It reminded me of the way David would look at me and smile when I was giggly with excitement of a child as he introduced me to new things or took me to new places.

It was rough being away without David, two words “David died” kept pounding my mind. I walked around almost in shock that David died. So many things reminded me of David, our travels and adventures before having kids and our life after kids. I kept thinking what will David do. While watching a show with the girls, I was reminded of how magical the experience was for me when I watched it with David several years ago. As I watched with the girls, tears flowed from my eyes as I felt the void in our life without David, who should have been sitting with us.

Even in the midst of fun, the girls also missed their Dad terribly. Once we got on the plane to depart, my younger daughter immediately started crying that she wanted to go home. She insisted that she wanted her Daddy. I want my Daddy, I want my Daddy was all she said as she cried. Others on the plane may have assumed that I snatched her off her Dad’s arm and was fleeing the country. What became shocking and almost paranormal was that once she sat in her chair, she looked outside the window and immediately stopped crying, her face lit up, happily she smiled and said “I see Daddy, Daddy is right here”. She was pointing outside the window. She remained content for the rest of the flight and insisted that the window stayed open so she could keep looking at her Daddy.

At some point during the vacation, my older daughter said to me “each time I see someone’s Daddy, I feel sad that I do not have my Daddy anymore”. Later that day, she said “Mommy, you know what, throughout the trip, I believed Daddy was at home and that is why I was not sad”. What a great coping mechanism.

When my younger daughter was playing with another girl, the girl asked where her Daddy is. Confidently, my daughter replied that “My Daddy in the sky”. The girl was baffled as she said “he is” and then almost sounding disappointed she said her Dad was on the chair.

Despite the challenges, the girls had a blast. They had fun from the moment they woke up and remained energetic into the late hours of the evening. They even got a surprise visit from their cousins and this added to the nonstop fun.  My Mom and I needed some extra days to recover from the vacation.

At the end we were all ready to go home as my younger daughter said, I want to go home to Daddy. Although David is not home, home is where I find the most comfort, it is a place of solace and where I feel closest to David.