Mommy, are you happy? This is a question my younger daughter asked me today.

When I think of happy time, I think of 2010 (at least most of that year). David and I had figured out how to balance parenthood with our lifestyle. We were overjoyed with the pleasure of parenthood and ready to have our second child. We were happy with each other, Life was GREAT, just like we wanted. There were lots of laughter, lots of fun, less arguments. I also started exploring and expanding on some old and new passion including photography and sewing.

Her question reminded me of conversation with my older daughter in December when she was laughing hysterically about something her younger Sister did that was funny. After she was done laughing, the following conversation ensued:

“DD: Mommy does not laugh

Me: You don’t think Mommy laughs

DD: No, I only hear you cry

Me: Wow

DD: If you have laughed, it had been a long time and I cannot remember.”

This conversation took place within days of opening up to her about David illness and the fact that he was not getting better.  It was a painful conversation with lots of tears, it was the first time she ever saw me cry as far I knew. Until then we tried to protect the girls from most of the facts about David’s illness. Until then, even David and I had chosen to remain optimistic.

What was striking about the conversation is that I could never have imagined she felt that way, we did everything to ensure the happiness of the girls and always tried to put on a happy face.  It affirmed how perceptive children are, even when we thought we were shielding them, she knew more about me than I even knew as I tried to reflect on the last time I had a genuine laugh.

I know what happiness should feel like and I know I can be happy. I have lots of reasons to be happy, especially thanks to my daughters who bring so much joy to me and remind me of the best attributes of David.