Tag Archives: happiness

Memories from songs

25 Monday Aug 2014

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Summer with David

Summer with David

Different songs reminds me of different phases of my life. There are songs that remind me of the summer I met David. In fact, David compiled those songs on a tape called “Summer 96”. There are songs that remind me of our wedding, becoming parents, and many other happy occasions.

There are also songs that remind me of unhappier times. Songs that remind me of how we tried to find strength after we got news that the cancer reoccured. There are songs l listened to frequently in the final stages of the disease. I recall the trip to the emergency room late last year, for the first time I was truly afraid that David may not come back home. I wept all the way to the hospital as I listened to a song in the car by Passenger, titled “let her go”.

Contrary to the title, it did not mean I was ready to let go. To me, the lyrics focused more on love and how much more you appreciate someone when you are afraid of losing them. I was so afraid of losing David – his smile, his voice, his energy, his love.

Songs have a way of bringing me smiles or sadness. A song can brings smiles at one moment and at another moment, the same song can bring tears and sadness. Today, as I drove with my daughters, one of our songs from Summer 96 came on and before I could change it, my older daughter started crying and said “NO, turn it off, that is one of Daddy’s songs and it is making me sad”.

Clearly, the song was having a similar effect on both of us today. For me, it was a reminder of my carefree years – when i felt invincible – contrary to the vulnerability I was feeling today. For my daughter, it was a reminder that Daddy no longer plays his songs in the house. So we changed to a song that reminded of us of our vacation earlier in the year.

Overall, the comfort from listening to songs surpasses any emotional anguish. David enjoyed his music. He played it loudly when he could. He collected them in different formats including the retro records and tapes. I thank David for broadening my taste in music. I also know that I influenced him with some of my musical preferences.

Today, I choose to be happy

16 Friday May 2014

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On Wednesday, I woke up around 2 am and was reflecting on how difficult this month has been for me. I also believed that my sadness was rubbing off on the girls. I was emotionally drained and felt the need to fight back as I said to myself, today is going to be a good day, I am going to choose to be happy.

When I got out bed later that morning I had the  same mindset. I went around that day making this continuos decision to be happy because even in my sadness there is still so much for me to be grateful for. Overall, I had a decent day, so far the best day this month. I stuck to this mindset on Thursday. I was even brave enough to listen to some of our songs. Songs that trigger memories of David and our lives together, they are songs make me cry lately but rather than crying I sang along with a smile as I remembered the good memories.

I believe my children could tell the difference in me over the last two days and they also seemed happier. Last night they gave me one of the happiest moments as my older daughter said “you are turning into Daddy because you make everything fun”. My heart was filled with joy, it was way past bedtime but I could not resist the urge to do something extra fun so I made a late night delight (strawberry with melted chocolate for dipping). Their eyes sparkled with joy as they said thank you, thank you endlessly.  I went to bed a happy Mommy with two very happy girls.

In the tribute I wrote about David for the funeral, I started with a quote that “the happiest people do not have the best of everything, they make the best of everything”. This truly reflected who my husband was, a very happy man. I always gave him due credit for our happy children. I hope that some of his charisma will stick with me and allow me to continue to find how to be happy in the midst of our sadness.

While I was able to choose to be happy, I realize I cannot choose when to be sad. When the sadness comes, it is overpowering and overwhelming. I just hope I have enough courage and hope to get through the sadness.

Mommy, are you happy?

30 Wednesday Apr 2014

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Mommy, are you happy? This is a question my younger daughter asked me today.

When I think of happy time, I think of 2010 (at least most of that year). David and I had figured out how to balance parenthood with our lifestyle. We were overjoyed with the pleasure of parenthood and ready to have our second child. We were happy with each other, Life was GREAT, just like we wanted. There were lots of laughter, lots of fun, less arguments. I also started exploring and expanding on some old and new passion including photography and sewing.

Her question reminded me of conversation with my older daughter in December when she was laughing hysterically about something her younger Sister did that was funny. After she was done laughing, the following conversation ensued:

“DD: Mommy does not laugh

Me: You don’t think Mommy laughs

DD: No, I only hear you cry

Me: Wow

DD: If you have laughed, it had been a long time and I cannot remember.”

This conversation took place within days of opening up to her about David illness and the fact that he was not getting better.  It was a painful conversation with lots of tears, it was the first time she ever saw me cry as far I knew. Until then we tried to protect the girls from most of the facts about David’s illness. Until then, even David and I had chosen to remain optimistic.

What was striking about the conversation is that I could never have imagined she felt that way, we did everything to ensure the happiness of the girls and always tried to put on a happy face.  It affirmed how perceptive children are, even when we thought we were shielding them, she knew more about me than I even knew as I tried to reflect on the last time I had a genuine laugh.

I know what happiness should feel like and I know I can be happy. I have lots of reasons to be happy, especially thanks to my daughters who bring so much joy to me and remind me of the best attributes of David.