When my younger daughter woke up yesterday, the first thing she said was “I want my Daddy”. I tried to console her by saying I know you miss him. Then she asked “Where is my Daddy”. I reminded her that Daddy died. Disagreeing with me she said “Daddy is home”. I said to her that Daddy died and is not at home. Such heartbreak for both of us. She started crying and repeatedly said, “I want my Daddy to come to my house”.

I still struggle to use the D word but also find it helpful in responding to her in order to provide clarity on what it means and the finality. My guess is that she was dreaming about her Dad and was disappointed when she woke up to the realization that he is not home. For the rest of the day, she continued to ask about her Daddy or cried when she remembered he is not at home. Bedtime was even worse as she screamed that she wants her Dad in her house. She cried, I cried. She was sad to see me crying so she quickly put on a smile and a happy face and said to me “see, Mommy I am happy, don’t cry.”

I explained to her that it is ok to be sad and cry about missing Daddy. I also let her know that I get sad about Daddy not being home. Eventually, we watched a short video of David playing with my older daughter when she was a baby. The video made her happy and she played the clip repeatedly as she giggled.

Over the last month, she seems to be struggling more to understand why her Daddy is not home. I understand that at her age, the finality of death is even harder to understand. She is still hopeful that he will come home. She brings up her Daddy very often, she talks about him being in the sky and in her heart. When she is upset with me or others, she tells me, she will tell her Daddy so he can put me on time out.

She is longing for him to come home. Recently, the home phone rang and excitedly she asked “is that my Daddy?” I explained to her that Daddy cannot call anymore then she asked “why does Daddy not have a phone”?

While it may be harder for her to articulate all her feelings or fully understand the finality of death, grief is present and painful. My heart aches that I cannot help her feel better. The pain of hearing her say ” Mommy, I am a little sad because I miss my Daddy” or “Mommy, don’t wipe my tears, I am crying because I miss my Daddy” is gut wrenching.

These periods of grief are painful reminders of life without David. Happy moments do not take away the periods of grief. In fact, happy moments at time results in sadness due to grief as I imagine how much better those moments would have been with David around. That was how I felt on Friday evening, I had fun taking the girls trick or treating with our neighbors but felt quite sad that David was not with us.