Tag Archives: birthday

Daddy, you did not call me

14 Sunday Sep 2014

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The day after my older daughter’s birthday, she decided to have a conversation with her Daddy. She picked up a pretend phone and started talking to him. She said “Daddy, you did not call me on my birthday. You did not even send a message. So I just pretended like you called me. I miss you and I love you”.

I was saddened as I listened to the conversation. I asked her how she was feeling. Cheerfully, she said I am fine, I was just talking to Daddy. I was also impressed with her coping mechanism. I know she misses her Dad dearly, she talks frequently about him and thinks of him often.  I know she felt his absence on her birthday and yet she proceeded to make the most of the day celebrating with family and friends.

We have all had our “first” birthdays without David and it has not been easy, although we made it a point to celebrate each one. It also leaves me with great trepidation as the thought of having the rest of our birthdays without David is so unbearable.

Missing you more each day.

Birthday motivation

09 Tuesday Sep 2014

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My older daughter celebrated her birthday recently and I chose to reflect on all the joy and happiness she has brought to my life. Her birth changed me forever. She made me a Mother, a role I love beyond words.  Motherhood made me want to be a better person. It domesticated me and helped reduce my temperament (at times).

On her birthday, I thought so much of David.  I recall so much about the pregnancy, the day she was born. The tears of joy we shed. The love David has for his daughters and how he loved being a Dad. I was sad that he is not here with us to celebrate. I wish I could sense that he was watching over us and seeing how she is becoming more like him in many ways.  She talks about him frequently and misses him dearly. I was determined to try to make her birthday tears free. I did not succeed, I cried, she caught me and she cried.

On the brighter note, I was able to enjoy some time off work at home with my daughters.  It was time I really valued, the best I have felt this year since we had plenty of time to spend together without the stress of getting ready for work or school. We spent most of the time at home relaxing and trying to enjoy the rest of the summer weather.

The time off allowed plenty of time to prepare for my older daughter’s birthday party. She  was full of ideas and I wanted to indulge as reasonable possible.  I told her I was going to make birthday cake. Immediately, she expressed her concerns about my ability to decorate the cake to be nice enough.  Her comment reminded me of David – she is truly her Father’s child, He also questioned my ability to make a birthday cake for her the first time I tried three years ago.

Her lack of confidence was the motivation I needed. I was determined to prove to her that I could decorate a cake nicely. The same way I wanted to prove the same thing to David three years ago.

I thank my children for always giving me reasons to be motivated and trying to be a better person. It reminds me of David – who always encouraged me to try harder when he knew I could do better.

The pictures below are my attempts at making cake. When David saw my first attempt, he laughed hysterically as he suggested that I should seriously consider calling a baker or try significantly harder. After improving my effort, he was impressed with the cake in the second picture. The last picture is the cake I made for my daughter’s recent birthday and she was so happy with it.

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Birthday brings smiles

30 Monday Jun 2014

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My younger daughter’s birthday was one of many “firsts” we have had without David in the last two months. Her birth was one of my proudness moments and was the best part of  2011. It is what I want to take away from that year.

I recall that a month after we were rejoicing about the excitement of having another baby, we quickly became devastated with the fear of cancer and the potential extent. At that time, it made no sense why universe was so cruel, allowing me to be pregnant while we were dealing with the horrors of cancer. Quickly, I realized that the pregnancy was why I had to be stronger. I had to take care of myself to take care of our baby. So, despite of the challenges of that period, I was strengthen by the needs of my unborn child and my older daughter.

It is now even more apparent that the pregnancy at that time was a blessing that came at the right time and the only time. I am so thankful to God. My daughters have each other and love each other so much. Together, they fill the house with so much joy and laughter. They are the reason we fought so hard and the reason I continue to stand.

For my younger daughter’s birthday this month, I knew that it had to be celebrated as David and I would have done in the past. Last year knowing David’s state of health, I tried to discourage my older daughter from having a birthday but David would not have it, he insisted that we celebrate her birthday. Similarly, the first time he had chemo and was still recovering from the aftermath, he was adamant that we celebrate our daughter’s birthday.

David knew how much fun it is for the girls and he also knew I enjoyed doing the crafts and/or baking in preparation for the birthday. I certainly had some satisfaction preparing from my daughter’s birthday. I also missed David terribly. I missed bugging him with silly questions on what to do, assigning projects to him, and having him ensure that anything I made was symmetrical.

In preparation for my daughter’s birthday, as I assembled a table with help from my Sister, I felt a burst of David within me. I seriously could not have done it in the past. I had a sense of pride with the birthday because I was feeling like DaMa,  it felt like David was living within me and helping me accomplish things that would have seemed impossible before.

Most importantly, I was happy because the girls were having a great time.  Thanks to those that helped or joined in celebrating my daughter’s birthday and a big thank you to a dear friend that worked tirelessly taking pictures (including the one above). The last two months have been so rough and you all helped make end it on a high note.

While we had a really nice day, we went to bed crying because even in moments of happiness the constant void in our life without David is so painful.

A cake for Daddy

24 Tuesday Jun 2014

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The last two months have been quite challenging since we have/will experience many firsts without David(my birthday, our anniversary, Mother’s day, Father’s day, David’s birthday, and my Daughter’s birthday) almost back to back. The absence of David for his birthday was the most recent and probably the most challenging mentally.

Unlike our anniversary which was a sad day for just me, David’s birthday was our collective sadness. We cried sporadically for days leading to his birthday and could not decide how to make the most of the day. Previously, I wrote that my daughter asked that we make a “frosting cake” in remembrance of David. She later changed her mind saying she no longer likes frosting. Eventually, we agreed to just make a regular cake with some frosting.

I truly cannot articulate my feelings on David’s birthday – but it was not a good feeling. I also felt a bit anxious and indecisive. It was certainly not “Happy” Birthday. The use of happy was inappropriate in my view. It seemed pointless to make a birthday cake because he wasn’t here to enjoy it. There was no reason to celebrate the day but I also did not want to neglect to recognize that it was his birthday.

When I asked my daughter how she felt about making a cake for Daddy, her eyes lit up with excitement. They were so happy to help. So after dinner, we baked the cake. Baking with the girls was the highlight of the day. It reminded me of what life with David felt like.

Making the frosting was literally “the icing on the cake” my daughters were so happy to see it and smiled radiantly as the licked frosting knowing I was allowing them to indulge. Between the girls eating frosting and me a dropping some we ended up with an almost frostless cake but they were proud of the outcome.

I did not have any desire to sing happy birthday. My older daughter tried and almost immediately, the tears started flowing and we were taking turns crying or consoling each other. We tried to say something about Daddy and again the tears started so we decided to stop everything and just eat cake.

David, life is definitely not the same without you, I miss having you try any cake that I made. Thanks for encouraging me to bake by being my best critic and for finding something nice to say even if the cake had more baking soda than flour.

Frosting for Daddy

14 Saturday Jun 2014

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Eating frosting with Daddy
Eating frosting with Daddy

I knew Father’s day was coming and I made a very conscious decision to disregard the day because I think it will be one of the hard days. I changed channels whenever I heard anything about father’s day or avoided any promotional emails regarding the day.  I recall it being a very painful day for me following the loss of my Dad. I wanted to avoid making a big deal of the day knowing the emotions of my daughters and I are at stake.

The only thing I did proactively regarding Father’s Day was asking their teachers to ensure that my daughters were not excluded from any Father’s day related project. I have previously explained to my daughters that even though Daddy is not here anymore, they have a Dad that is forever in their hearts.

My older daughter opted out of participating in any of the Father’s day projects. She said she did not want to do the project because she could not give it to her Daddy, a decision that I respected and commended. Soon after she told me about her decision, she started crying. She was sad that every child in the class was able to make a project that they will give to their Dads. I explained that in the future if she wanted to make anything for Daddy she can and we will pin it on the board where David used to pin all the arts and crafts they made for him.

Instead of a father’s day project, she brought home a memory box with a note about things she remembers about her Daddy. The note was very touching and moved me to tears, I was marveled at some of the details of things she remembers and it allowed me to reflect on those memories.

One that stuck out the most were her memories of eating frosting with Daddy. I was reminded of the fond memories of David and the girls eating frosting rather than the cake. She also remembered me getting upset with David on the morning of my younger daughter’s birthday when he finished eating what he thought was leftover frosting but it was frosting I was still planning to use to finish her cake and I asked that he make a new batch.

In a previous conversation, she asked that since Daddy likes frosting we should make a “frosting cake” for his upcoming birthday. She explained a frosting cake as a cake made entirely of frosting. So we will be stacking up the butter, cream and sugar in hopes that the cake will help us smile as we remember David on his birthday.

For Father’s day, we have nothing special planned. It will be just another Sunday but that does not mean David is not constantly on our minds. I just do not feel compelled to do anything extra to recognize the day knowing it will only make the girls sadder about the absence of their beloved Daddy, my dearest David. Also, it is a painful reminder of the absence my Daddy dearest.

 

My mayday alert

01 Thursday May 2014

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May is a month that we celebrated many special occasions. It is the month of my birthday, the month we got married, the month for celebrating mother’s day. June is equally special, it is the month of David’s birthday and father’s day. Additionally, it is the month of daughter’s birthday and my Dad’s birthday.

David was big on celebrating every occasion. May was my month and June was his month. I received multiple cards for each occasion and there was usually a personal touch or an element of surprise. June was David’s month but I could never top anything David did for me. Like David I will buy more than one card for each occasion but unlike David I was really bad at personalizing the cards. In fact, I still have some cards that I never gave him. He used to joke that he will write his cards for himself.

I enter this month wondering how I will hold up as each of these occasion occur. I am most concerned with how I will handle our anniversary, David’s birthday, and father’s day. For our anniversary, I think I will take the day off work.

For David’s birthday I will ask my older daughter for suggestions on what to do. In February, she asked that “since Daddy is gone, can we still celebrate his birthday?”. I hope we can find something to do to make it a meaningful day. For father’s day, if they are doing any father’s day projects at school, I will ask that my daughters do the same projects in honor of their Dad.