My David, my love

14 Friday Feb 2014

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David, you showed me such deep love, one that seemed reserved for fairy tales. You also let me know the importance of expressing love. Your love came without constraints. Your love was endless, it came simply and naturally, and you expressed it daily.

You believed that people should not wait for valentine’s day to show appreciation to their loved ones. However, this did not stop you from celebrating the day in its true tradition. You got sweet mushy cards, paid the inflated prices for flowers, bought chocolates and/or gifts etc.

It was hard for valentine’s day to feel more special than most days, expression and appreciation of love was something you did regularly. Today, I do not feel a void because it is valentine’s day, there are endless cards from you to smile and cry over. I feel a void because I miss the love of my life.

Love always,

XOXOXO

Snowed in….again and again

13 Thursday Feb 2014

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Snow over the last three hours today. The bikes will eventually be submerged

Snow in the last three hours, watching the bike gets completely submerged

The snow storms this year have been endless….It seems that the girls have only gone to school half the time this year. Here we are, snowed in again today.

A fancy snow blower was one of the first big purchases David made when we moved into the house. He purchased it with such excitement as he looked forward to years of plowing the snow.

In our first year in the house, it only snowed once and he proudly plowed and shoveled the snow even knowing the temperature the next day would be high enough to melt it away. The next year, we had a bit more snow, however it became difficult for him to plow due to pain in his back. Reluctantly, he hired a company to plow.

The company has plowed our snow since then. They will come today and do a mediocre job since they do not get enough of the snow off the walkway/driveway.  Thanks to a good friend that always comes by after they are done to make the walkway conducive for walking.

Our snow plow sits in the garage and reminds me of how I wish David would be plowing the driveway.  Not only because of the good job he will have done but because of the satisfaction he would have had from doing it. Not to mention the fun the girls would be having outside in the snow with him.

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A different world

12 Wednesday Feb 2014

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Yesterday, I left the house in an attempt to run some errands. The world seemed so dark, cold and lonely. When I returned home, I broke down because to me the world is now a different place without David.

My feelings were compounded with the realization that I have to part with David’s military jacket, the one pictured in this blog post. David had expressed his desire to be buried in his military outfit. I struggled with letting go of the outfit because it reminded me so much of his essence and I felt the need to keep it. Eventually I let it go knowing it was the right thing to do…I think.

Missing you so much

11 Tuesday Feb 2014

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David, we are all missing you terribly.  I know you know that since I know how much you love your girls.

As I approached my older daughter who was watching a show in the living room, I  noticed that a picture was missing from the frame behind her and she had placed it next to her. I asked why she took down the picture and she stated the expected “because I miss my Daddy”.

Saying we miss David terribly is an understatement, I cannot find the words to express my feeling of loss. My older daughter expressed her feeling of his loss by saying that “I wish my Daddy could just take me into his world”.  This simply reflected her desire to be close to her Dad and I told her that this world needs her sparkly, happy go lucky self.

To revise her statement to better suit our needs, I just wish David could come back to our world. It is just not the same without you, we miss you so much 😦

Below is the picture that she was holding.

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“I will not let you fall”

10 Monday Feb 2014

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My older daughter asked me yesterday, how exactly I met her Dad and I reminded her that it was at a roller skating rink.

I remember that day vividly, almost two decades ago on July 13. I went to the rink with some of my friends. David was in town on assignment. As an avid skater, he opted to go staking that night….

I skated around the rink once and I realized that years of not skating had made me develop a fear of falling. I proceeded to call it a night and have a seat. And there he was asking why I was leaving the rink. I explained that I was done, persistently he asked why? Innocently, I said I did not want to fall. He responded, “I will not let you fall“. We skated the night away and he kept me from thinking of falling by talking to me and holding my hands.

David was committed to this phrase throughout our relationship, he said it often and through thick and thin, he never let me fall. How I wish he was here now because I do not want to fall.

Cry me a river

08 Saturday Feb 2014

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Gosh I hate crying, I recall someone telling me it is therapeutic to cry.  I am completely unconvinced because the more I cry, the more mental and physical pain I feel.

How can I stop the uncontrollable tears? I recall that after my Dad passed, crying was constant and when I went back to work, I deliberately used mascara and eyeliner to avoid crying. It worked sometimes and other times I ended up looking like a singer from the band “KISS”.

Memories of David – from Ron

07 Friday Feb 2014

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As we try to come to terms with the loss of David, I find comfort in hearing from friends and family about different memories of David.  Here is one that came in as a blog comment from Ron, a very good friend of the family. Indeed, we have many memories especially of the time we spent as neighbors. In my post on Super Children, his daughter was the one who asked if it will be ok to share their Dad with my children.

It was sunny, about 80 degrees on a perfect Saturday. I was on my driveway working hard to assemble my daughters new Cozy Coupe. Bright red, cool yellow top and just few parts parts. Should be easy right? I was out there for hours trying to fit what seemed like a square peg in a round hole. Sweat pouring down my face, expletives being muttered under my breath…

When all of a sudden, out of nowhere comes David walking up to me. “Hey, need a hand with that? Been watching you out my window for a while and it looks like you could use some help with your project.” I said sure (I was so glad to see him…he might as well have been a Fisher Price Engineer). Before I had a chance to ask where his tools were the Cozy Coupe was upright on all four wheels and ready to roll.

This is not a story about how inept I am at putting toys together (he would laugh at that). Instead it’s just a quick story that shows what kind of man David was. Always willing to lend a hand, so caring and loving.

When I think of David I think of that day — picturing him laughing at me from his window across the street…it makes me smile. Keep watching good friend. We will miss you dearly.

Ron and family

Below is a picture of David assembling the same car with our older daughter.

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Rough Day…death certificate

07 Friday Feb 2014

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Yesterday was a very difficult day.  I went to pick up David’s death certificate.  I am still in shock as I type this. How can it be that I am picking up such a document? Just a few years ago, I picked up the birth certificates of our children. This still makes no sense.

To add insult to injury, the Doctor who completed the certificate did not take the time to accurately complete the medical section. I was most alarmed by the section on “onset of disease to death” where she simply put one year. This made me irate as it completely undermines the fact that he battled with this disease for more than 3 years. She did not bother to check his medical records even though she was part of his treatment team and clearly had access to his medical records.

I called their office to share my frustration and while the actual certificate cannot be changed, I anticipate that they will issue an addendum.

Sweet Dreams of David

06 Thursday Feb 2014

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IMG_2338In the last two days, the girls have said something about David as soon as they wake up reflecting their state of mind.

When my younger daughter woke up two days ago, the first thing she said was “I want my Daddy”.  I was taken aback by this because while that is a common phrase, it is usually used in the evening when she is resisting bedtime and wants her Dad to plead for her or when she and her Sister are playfully competing for his attention. Perhaps she was having some sweet dreams which was interrupted when she woke up.

The next day as soon as my older daughter woke up with the brightest smile on her face, she said “Mommy, I had the best dream of my life”.  She explained that she saw her Daddy and her Grandpa (David’s Dad also deceased) and that she and her Sister ran over to Daddy and gave him a hug. From the excitement in her voice, I knew that the dream brought so much joy to her and it helped her feel a closeness to her Dad, her hero.

I have not yet had any dreams of David, it may be due to my lack of sleep, I am sure they will come in time. However, I am afraid that such dreams will bring sadness when I wake up since it will be reminder that it was only a dream and I no longer have David to touch and to hold.

How are the children doing?

04 Tuesday Feb 2014

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How are the children doing?  This is a question I get often and it is very tough question to answer. It is one that weighs very heavily on my mind.  With two young kids, it is hard to fully understand how they are grieving or if the youngest one is grieving now or whether it will be delayed.

I have seen my older daughter look at pictures of her Dad and start getting teary eyed and then we talk about his memories and she is smiling again.  She knows the sadness of the loss as she consoled me as I mentioned in a previous blog post.

When my younger daughter woke up yesterday, the first thing she said was “I want my Daddy”.

My greatest desire is to raise the girls the way David and I will have raised them together which I pray would be the right way when I can look back and know I have done a good job. One of my greatest sadness is knowing they will not get to fully experience the love of their Dad, a love so great, for most of their lives and will have to settle for the short memories.

He was an amazing father:

  • the one who took them out to play in the middle of snow blizzards when no one dared to step outside
  • the one who took them to play in the rain and jump in the puddles of water or make paper-boat or bottle caps to flow with the current
  • the one who took them to the creek to go in search of frogs
  • the one who took them to the grocery store where they were well known and enjoyed the container of whipped cream before paying for the empty container at the register
  • the one who soothed them to sleep and burped them as infants
  • the one who threw them high in the sky as I watched them laugh hysterically
  • the one who gave the best piggy back rides
  • the one who created games out of his imagination (spider baby, did somebody say corn, tickle toes….), they laughed so hard their belly hurt
  • the one who built hideout and fortress out of any material around the house
  • the one who took them out to the playground regardless of the temperature

He played with them without fear and inhibition which helped them stride along bravely. Some times as I watched them play, I asked that they play gentler and they looked at me as the party pooper. He would sometimes reply that kids are made of rubber as they proceeded in their games.

While I cannot play with the energy and enthusiasm of David, I hope I can play with them with less inhibitions because to hear them laugh that hard again will be priceless.