The tears have been more frequent lately, it just keeps coming. I know it has worsened as I anticipate the one year mark since David died. I do not think of the date as an anniversary because to me an anniversary is something for celebration. There is nothing to celebrate about that day. I mourn at the thought of the date and as the day  approaches I feel even more agitated.

Some have asked what I am doing on that day. I have no plans. I just want to be able to get through it. I will take the day off work. I am afraid I will relive all the emotions and the sadness it has brought to our lives. Perhaps, I will be unconventional and indulge in some retail therapy but I am not sure how that will help.

David, how could you be gone for a year?  A whole year without your voice. And to think this is just the beginning of my life without you. Your children have gone a whole year without you. David, how can you be gone? How can our lives be without you? My heartaches, I feel clueless and many times without direction. I do not even know how to mark a year of your passing. I just feel sorrowful and don’t know what to do.

To summarize the first year, it was empty. Empty because no matter what we did over the last year, there was always an emptiness and everything seems incomplete with David.