I often say I have not really had a good night sleep since I was pregnant with our first child. At that time, the lack of sleep was a result of the discomfort I felt during pregnancy and the subsequent adjustment to life with a baby.

As I write this I remembered being so exhausted from extreme lack of sleep when we had our first child. I asked David if people can die from lack of sleep. He said no, not directly because the body will simply shut down and sleep would come regardless of how hard someone tries to stay awake. I have however learned that falling asleep and staying asleep are quite distinct since generally I can fall asleep.

By the time our older daughter became a better sleeper, we were already expecting our second child so the absence of sleep persisted. And when our younger daughter was a better sleeper, the toll cancer was taking on David made it difficult for us to get a restful sleep. For him, it was primarily the pain and need to administer medication. For me, it was trying to help him get through the pain or helping with the medication. Additionally, there was the emotional toll that kept me awake.

His death, compounded my inability to sleep with the extreme emotional anguish and the uncertainty of everything. After over 6 years of not getting a good night sleep, I realized that it would take a while to train my body to sleep properly. At some point last year, my sleep improved, however, it was still not what a good night sleep should be. Lately, I have been finding it difficult to have a restful sleep. This is no surprise given how I have been feeling. I hope that as time goes by my sleep pattern will improve again.