Monthly Archives: December 2014

The worst year

31 Wednesday Dec 2014

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As we bring 2014 to a close and I reflect on the year, I can sincerely say that 2013 not 2014 was the worst year of my life.  This may seem strange since 2014 was the year that David died.

2013 was a nightmare. Every day was spent dreading the unthinkable….fearing what cancer would do to David and our lives.  I remembered ringing in 2013 crying because I was afraid of what that year will bring. Throughout the year, I watched David endured so many unsuccessful procedures, physicial and mental pain. We lived in fear and we were held hostage by cancer. It controlled our lives—every single step.  I got through the year only by pretending or trying to ignore what havoc cancer was causing in our lives.

I have very little recollection of ringing in 2014, it was un-ceremonial for the obvious reason that David was so sick. In fact, I was asleep before midnight and that is something that had never happened before in my adult life.  I remember getting up right after midnight and waking David up to proudly tell him that “you made it into 2014”, he simply smiled and went back to sleep.

2014 has been unbearably painful as I tried to come to terms with the death of my husband, the father of my children. It has been a year of great challenges and tribulation. We have had many first without David and it just does not seem easier. I have experience great pain and sadness. The key difference between 2013 and 2014 is that the fear of  the unknown is no longer lingering. I spent most of 2014 facing my fears.

Tonight, I tried to celebrate new year’s eve like David and I used to. I went to the store bought the seafood and the drink. Shortly after the sadness set in, how could I be drinking and eating seafood on new year’s eve without David. Talking to my Mom and Sister helped and soon after we set up the food and the drinks and enjoyed an early new year’s eve dinner.

I will be up to ring in 2015. I will have a drink and a toast in memories of my dearest David who should have been right here with me. I am determined to continue to face my fears in 2015. I have learned a lot in 2014 and still have a lot to learn. I know I need even more strength and determination to get through 2015 in order to make life as best as I can for my children and hopefully for me.

Thank you to all that have helped me and my family get through 2014. Our road to victory continues. Happy New Year!!! 

Surviving Christmas

28 Sunday Dec 2014

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with David's Mom

with David’s Mom

Christmas last year was a very trying one since David was already quite sick and in hospice care at home. My wish was that he was alive for Christmas. I knew that if he passed away on Christmas day, I was not going to inform anyone. I was determined to not have our daughters associate Christmas Day with the death of their Dad.  Luckily, David felt the same way and survived Christmas.

I recall as he watched them opening their gifts with joy, it was the first year our youngest daughter began to appreciate the excitement of opening her gifts. It was also sad to watch as I realized it would likely be the last time he would see them open their presents.

In preparation for Christmas this year, I just kept busy. I did not allow any down time, it was an avoidance mechanism to prevent the crippling sadness that was ripping me apart inside. On the day, I was happy with the outcome as we enjoyed Christmas lunch with family and friends. I was so grateful that David’s Mom was able to join us and her presence was a nice reminder of David who had many of his Mom’s attributes.

Thanks to everyone that helped make the day special and the gifts of love, time and presents you shared with my daughters and me.

25 Dec Forever

27 Saturday Dec 2014

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the forever Christmas card

the forever Christmas card

Earlier this month when I brought out Christmas decorations for the house, I found a large envelope with old Christmas cards. They were mostly cards David had given me and our daughters for Christmas a few years ago.

The card that struck the most emotion was the card he got for the girls. The message was beautiful but most of all, he dated it “25 Dec Forever” as pictured above. This brought me some sense of joy even in my sadness because one of my biggest regrets is not coming to terms with the fact that David would died prematurely from cancer. I think that if I had come to terms with it, it would have allowed him to better prepare and leave messages, cards, or notes for our daughters.

The card was written in the earlier stages of the disease and I am thankful that I did not notice it then. At that time, I would have been upset that he would date a card as such and I would even have tried to make him edit it and said something like why are you preparing like you are not going to be around to watch them grow up

The card had a beautiful message and advice to the girls on growing up and finding their path to happiness, wisdom, and success and ended with a final message that “but there’s is one gift I can give you this Christmas that will always be with you – and that’s the love of a proud parent’s heart”.

This message resonates a lot. He loves his daughters with no bounds. They know it, they miss it, it makes it his absence even more difficult to bear. Yet, it is all we have to sustain us and that love will go on in our hearts forever.

No new photos, just memories

21 Sunday Dec 2014

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One of the things I do to comfort myself is to look at pictures of our life with David. I especially liked looking at the pictures he took on his phone because it felt like I was looking at things through David’s eyes. Overall, his phone became my priced possession with so many things reminding me of him.

Several months ago, I lost the phone. It was unthinkable, I thought it was just misplaced and that I would find it. I was afraid to ransack the whole house in fear that I would have a complete breakdown if I did not find it. I eventually searched the house with no luck. I took my car to the dealership and had them remove the seats and look in any possible crevices for the phone. Still the phone was no where to be found.

It was lost, I had a meltdown, I felt like I was losing something that allowed a physical connection to David. At that point, my Sister reminded me that even though the phone was lost, David was good about backing things up and that we should be able to restore anything he backed up.

We looked on the computer and found possible back up for the phone. I was unable to restore the phone until I had an extra phone but it helped me keep my sanity that there may be hope in restoring most of the content of David’s phone.

Last week, my Sister used her old phone to restore David’s phone and most things were restored from his backup. His last backup was May 13, 2013, our anniversary. I had a huge sense of relief and spent most of the night going through the phone, looking at pictures, and reading text messages we sent to each other over the years.

Viewing the pictures also brought a great amount of sadness. I realize how much our lives have changed and how much fun David used to have with the girls. I tried to click slower as I approached the end of the album because I knew it would be the end of pictures of my daughters with their Dad.

Now, all we have are memories, no new pictures with Daddy for almost a year. David, how I wish you were here to take pictures of the girls as they played in your office. How I wish you were here to record them as you made them laugh so hard. How I wish you were here to take pictures with me!

One of the things I now appreciate the most about the pictures David took was that they simply reflected our life as it was and not like my pictures that are more staged for the camera. He used to tell me not to delete any of the pictures especially those that I believed looked less glorious.

Below is a picture of the girls from David phone.

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Christmas Magic

11 Thursday Dec 2014

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Today, we felt a bit of Christmas magic.

As we drove through town, both my daughters eyes lit up as they admired the Christmas lights and decorations. The lights have been there since the beginning of the month and for some reason today, it brought a deeper sense of joy to them. My younger daughter said “I love the place, it is Christmas time. It makes me happy.”And my older daughter followed and said “This is what makes me happy about Christmas”.

Their comments immediately brought me some happiness considering all the sad moments we have been experiencing. My older daughter has been crying lately saying that nothing will make her happy about Christmas and that she will be sad on Christmas Day because all she wants is her Daddy. Equally saddening was my younger daughter standing next to Santa and whispering to me that she wants her Daddy for Christmas. She also told me previously that her Daddy will be her Christmas present for me.

I know there will be other sad moments as Christmas approaches but today as they expressed how the Christmas lights and decorations made them happy, I asked them to remember how they are feeling at this moment when they feel sad about Christmas. Not because it will ease the pain but simply because when we are feeling sad the despair seems so much and it hard to imagine that there are moments of happiness.

How I wish Christmas magic would bring David back.

O Christmas tree

06 Saturday Dec 2014

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The last tree we picked with David

It is the season no doubt. I have anticipated it for a while and I am determined to make it is as good as possible for the girls and hopefully myself.

David had a strong preference for fresh Christmas trees from the farm. He liked the smell and the experience of going to get the tree. In our previous home, with two kids and all their toys and baby gear, we did not have enough room for a full size tree. David was undeterred and determined to still pick a decent size fresh tree for the house. I was skeptical and not thrilled about the idea but he insisted that he will make it work and he did. We picked up the tree and he had a significant amount of the branches in the back cut off. This allowed us to fit it against a wall and it turned out looking very good. In fact, it was hard to tell that a significant amount was cut off the back. That was my David – always coming up with solutions.

For the first Christmas in our new house, he was so thrilled that he did not have to cut the branches to make space and he joked that he was going to get the largest tree he could find and set it right in the middle of the room. I remember the day we picked up the tree. We went as a family and decorated it with the traditional ornaments and some the more sentimental ornaments with personal messages of love and family. It was a good day and he was so happy to have enough space for the tree.

Last year, I had no desire to get a tree and about 10 days before Christmas my older daughter asked why we still did not have our tree. Painfully, I went to the farm on my own and picked up a tree. My only criteria was that I needed to be able to carry it alone. When I got home, I decided to move the location of the tree to different location from the previous year to allow David to enjoy seeing it. The tree turned out fine and David beamed proudly that I was able to do it.

In some ways the experience of getting the tree last year helped prepare me for picking our tree without David this year. We picked our tree and was I was determined to decorate it to satisfaction. The tree is up, the girls are happy with it, it looks nice but I still feel like I am missing something. I think I just need David to say that it is perfect. He always told me when I was going overboard or when I needed to do more.

Below is a picture from 2012 when we picked our Christmas tree, complete as a family. It was the last Christmas tree we picked with David.