Monthly Archives: November 2014

In the arms of an Angel

30 Sunday Nov 2014

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The song “In the arms of an Angel” has been playing in my head for most of the weekend. I tried to resist the urge to download it but I could not. I listened to it knowing it would make me cry and it did.

It is one of the songs from the soundtrack of the movie “City of Angels”. It is a movie David and I watched several years ago. David liked the story a lot, in fact he selected it and made me watch it. It is a story of love {SPOILER ALERT}, about an angel who gave up his immortality just to be with the woman he loved. Sadly, the woman died soon after he became a mortal being. When asked if he regretted the decision to be mortal, he responded that he would rather one moment with her than an eternity without her.

That was the punchline for David and he used to tell me that he would have done the same thing for me and give up anything without regrets. He was truly a romantic guy and fondly told me he was hopelessly in love.

I have avoided watching any movies or shows that David and I used to enjoy together knowing it would only bring tears and sadness. Well last night, I was on the slippery slope and after crying to the first song, I listened to another song “Iris” from the movie and that brought more tears. As the evening progressed, I could not resist the urge to watch the movie. I thought I would be a complete basket case watching it but I was not. As I watched the love unfold, I focused more on the love story and rather than the sadness of the premature death. I felt encouraged by the love I shared with David and believing that he is in the arms of the angels and also hoping that somehow he was watching over me.

Thankful for what?

27 Thursday Nov 2014

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Thankful for what? I have asked myself this question often and with thanksgiving approaching I keep thinking of the question.

Thanksgiving is one of the holidays David and I enjoyed a lot. We looked forward to the time off, we typically spent the time with family starting with his parents and then with my family. I remember fondly how we joked after dinner about who will go out as early as 3 am in search of black friday deals (it was never us).

In 2010, thanksgiving day became a day I remember with great pain. It was the day David told me there was something wrong. It was the day, I feared he had cancer and was immediately afraid of what that could mean. It was the beginning of a fight fought with great hope and determination.

I believed that by 2011 thanksgiving, we would be able to rejoice and be thankful that the cancer was permanently cured. Sadly, it was short lived. In 2012, we were already dealing with the reoccurrence of the bladder cancer but that did not stop us from enjoying thanksgiving, it provided a glimpse of what thanksgiving should be like as we celebrated in our new home with family. We made fried turkey and it was such a fun experience. I remember his shock as I said we will make fried turkey in an oilless frier. It sounded like hocus pocus but David went along with the plan and was eager to try the new gadget. We marveled at how well the turkey looked and tasted, he really had fun making it that he made turkey again on Christmas day.

Sadly, thanksgiving in 2013 was a very different story as my dear David was on admission at the hospital. My brain was flood with sadness and fear, I had no appetite. In fact, there were moments that I forgot it was thanksgiving day. Thanks to my Sister who came to the house with thanksgiving dinner. It was impossible for me to enjoy the meal and I went back to the hospital to be with David.

This year, I started thinking of thanksgiving very early, how can my daughters and I get by with David gone. I needed to avoid our typical tradition of thanksgiving. I was not ready to make a turkey without David, the thought was too painful. I decided to take my daughters to NYC in hopes that we can watch the Macys thanksgiving parade. It was something David and I planned to do in 2009 when our older daughter was one but we changed our mind due to the weather and also realizing that it would be hard to navigate the city with a stroller. So this thanksgiving, I am braving the weather in NYC with my family.

Today and each day, I have a lot of the thankful for:

  • I am thankful for love, the love I had from David, a love that continues to sustain me.
  • I am thankful for the unconditional love I have for my children and for the love they show me.
  • I am thankful for the love my Mom and Dad show/showed me, the one that helped shaped who I am today.
  • I am thankful for my Sister and Brothers, the love of growing up in a family with four children that made us learn early in life how to share and care.
  • I am thankful for David’s Mom, her love, her grace, and her help in sharing David’s legacy with his children.
  • I am thankful friendship. My older friends that have stuck with me in the good and the bad and the new friends I have made in the face of adversity that have shown me the goodness of people.
  • I am thankful for my extended family – a very big one with amazing Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins that show their love and support.
  • I am thankful that I have had the determination to wake up each day and try to make the best of the day.
  • I am thankful for our home “the house that David built“, it is a place of solace and comfort.

I have a lot to be thankful for, I only wish David being alive and well is one of them.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Colder, darker, and harder

20 Thursday Nov 2014

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David and the girls after putting up the Christmas tree

It is now getting colder, daylight is considerably shorter. The darkness coupled with the coldness is making things gloomier. Additionally, we are approaching the holiday season which I know can also compound grief.

In fact, my older daughter has expressed her frustration about Christmas. She is very sad that her Dad will not be home and her crying seems to be even more frequent. She has repeatedly said that all she wants for Christmas is her Daddy and nothing else. She said she want to be able to hold him. She is sad that any christmas picture we take will be incomplete without Daddy so she does not know if she wants to take any Christmas pictures.

I have also found myself to be more frustrated and irritable lately. I have even been upset at the girls as they whine about minutia or inform me that Daddy was never upset with them. I have had to remind my daughters that even Daddy was upset with them when they were not behaving.

In addition to the colder, darker weather, I know one key reason I have been very frustrated and sad lately is because we are approaching the one year mark of the period when the illness took the worst turn. The week leading to thanksgiving last year was the beginning of a very sad, cold and dark period. It began when I had to call an ambulance to help transport David to the hospital and I realized it was likely his last trip to the hospital and I was completely afraid that he will never come back home. I wondered in a daze at what was happening to our lives and how me and my daughters were suppose to function or cope in a world without David.

A key part of how I function is trying to repress some of the ordeal we (especially David) went through between the end of November through January 2014 but  lately these memories keep taunting my mind.

Missing that smile

12 Wednesday Nov 2014

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The picture above sits on our mantle. I really like the picture because of David’s smile. Somedays, I look at it and smile and somedays I look at it and cry.  On this Veteran’s day I recall how David loved his country and proudly served in the Air force.

David loved being in the military, it was something he wanted to do since he was a young boy. Before joining the Air force, he was in the civil air patrol.  When we met, his pride and love for country were very clear.

When he decided to leave the service, he believed the timing was right. I was probably happier than he was. I was very happy because it also allowed us to spend more time together and I was relieved that I would not have to worry as much about him being away on duty.

Although David left the service, his heart never really left. It remained a big part of who he was. Many of his mannerisms and actions were a reflection of the discipline and training he had in the service. I always told him his employers were lucky to have him. Every project was treated like a mission, with the greatest focus and attention until it was done. He always had a plan for everything, including a plan for dying – this was way before he was diagnosed with bladder cancer.

After the diagnosis, we tried to understand what may have caused the cancer. There was no explanation based on lifestyle or family history. One key cause of bladder cancer is exposure to chemical toxins from smoking but David was not a smoker. So we wondered if he was unknowingly exposed to toxins while in the service.

He once expressed his frustration that the cancer may have been caused by such exposure while in service as he questioned why it did not result in an earlier onset of the disease before he had every reason to live or later in life after he got to watch our children grow up. His frustration was based on the timing of the disease. He never questioned or regretted his decision to serve. He always spoke about the Air force with great reverence.

At his burial, as he was laid to rest by other members of the Air force, I had a better understanding of the prestige and the charm he always felt as he talked about being a Veteran.

Getting the job I wanted

04 Tuesday Nov 2014

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Recently, someone asked me what I do at work and as I explained, I remembered that it was David that helped me get my first job in the industry.

Soon after graduating from college, I realized that most of the jobs I was interested in required 3 to 5 years of work experience as a result I was getting limited or no response to the jobs I applied for.

One day, I saw a posting for a job I really wanted that fitted my skill set. I mentioned it to David and asked if he could help get the company to look at my resume. He succeeded in reaching in HR Manager and also getting him to look at my resume. Soon enough I had an interview at the company and was hired.

David was successfully in making the contact based on his personality and expertise. It was not because he had any direct contact within the company. He always had a way with people and could win over many. His voice was energetic and friendly. Like one of his friends wrote in a tribute to David, he never met a stranger. He could easily find something to talk to anyone about. He frequently said to me “you can get more with honey than vinegar”.

Thank you David for always believing in me and seeing the best in me.

Below is a picture of David and me on my first business trip.

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I want my Daddy to come home!

02 Sunday Nov 2014

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When my younger daughter woke up yesterday, the first thing she said was “I want my Daddy”. I tried to console her by saying I know you miss him. Then she asked “Where is my Daddy”. I reminded her that Daddy died. Disagreeing with me she said “Daddy is home”. I said to her that Daddy died and is not at home. Such heartbreak for both of us. She started crying and repeatedly said, “I want my Daddy to come to my house”.

I still struggle to use the D word but also find it helpful in responding to her in order to provide clarity on what it means and the finality. My guess is that she was dreaming about her Dad and was disappointed when she woke up to the realization that he is not home. For the rest of the day, she continued to ask about her Daddy or cried when she remembered he is not at home. Bedtime was even worse as she screamed that she wants her Dad in her house. She cried, I cried. She was sad to see me crying so she quickly put on a smile and a happy face and said to me “see, Mommy I am happy, don’t cry.”

I explained to her that it is ok to be sad and cry about missing Daddy. I also let her know that I get sad about Daddy not being home. Eventually, we watched a short video of David playing with my older daughter when she was a baby. The video made her happy and she played the clip repeatedly as she giggled.

Over the last month, she seems to be struggling more to understand why her Daddy is not home. I understand that at her age, the finality of death is even harder to understand. She is still hopeful that he will come home. She brings up her Daddy very often, she talks about him being in the sky and in her heart. When she is upset with me or others, she tells me, she will tell her Daddy so he can put me on time out.

She is longing for him to come home. Recently, the home phone rang and excitedly she asked “is that my Daddy?” I explained to her that Daddy cannot call anymore then she asked “why does Daddy not have a phone”?

While it may be harder for her to articulate all her feelings or fully understand the finality of death, grief is present and painful. My heart aches that I cannot help her feel better. The pain of hearing her say ” Mommy, I am a little sad because I miss my Daddy” or “Mommy, don’t wipe my tears, I am crying because I miss my Daddy” is gut wrenching.

These periods of grief are painful reminders of life without David. Happy moments do not take away the periods of grief. In fact, happy moments at time results in sadness due to grief as I imagine how much better those moments would have been with David around. That was how I felt on Friday evening, I had fun taking the girls trick or treating with our neighbors but felt quite sad that David was not with us.