Monthly Archives: October 2014

Needing you closer

31 Friday Oct 2014

Posted by in Breaking the silence, Road to victory

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IMG_84 Today was hard, a very rough day. Without much warning, I was in full blown grief. I wanted my David badly. I needed to be close to him. I cried and wished his cemetery was closer. If it was closer, I would have driven there since it was the closest I could be to him. The desire to go to the cemetery felt odd to me since it is a place I thought I would not want to visit anytime soon. And suddenly, it feels like where I need to be. I tried to comfort myself by looking at the picture of his tombstone, something that brought me extreme pain the first time I saw it.  Although I cried profusely as I looked at the picture today, I also felt a strange sense of closeness to David.

Rest in peace….whatever that means.

We carved a pumpkin!

20 Monday Oct 2014

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Fall is one of the season I enjoy the most. It is a time of the year that we try to enjoy some of the traditional fall festivities, and this fall we are trying to do the same.

One of the activities was going to the farm to pick our pumpkin like we’ve done for several years. Not surprisingly, my older daughter decide to test my boundaries and said  “but Mommy, how are you going to be able to carve the pumpkin yourself?” I took my daughter’s comment as a challenge. I was determined to show her that I can carve a pumpkin.

Unfortunately, due to David’s health last October, we did not go to pumpkin picking. He was actually so determined to go but the logistic were challenging considering that he was experiencing a lot of pain. However, the year before, we all watched as he diligently carved the pumpkin. It was the first time I saw what pumpkin carving entailed and was completely surprised that the inside had to be gutted out and the seeds removed.

This weekend, I decided to prove to myself and my daughters that I could carve the pumpkin. I felt confident because David was a tool guy and even had a pumpkin carving tool that I found. Proudly I gutted the pumpkin, and my daughters joined in the excitement as they helped me hold the pumpkin to trace the pattern.

We were all excited with the final outcome, the jack-o-lantern pictured above. I followed the same pattern David used two years ago. My daughter said to me, you did it just like Daddy. This made my evening! I felt quite good carving the pumpkin since I felt a strong presence of David in form of encouragement that I could do it.

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Grandma’s return brings joy

19 Sunday Oct 2014

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After spending a year with us, my Mom went back home over the summer. It was not an easy adjustment. We got through it and I felt proud that we were able to manage in her absence, I know this gave her peace of mind.

My Mom has been with us through the best of time. She and David got along so well. It was more of a Mother-Son relationship. I used to joke with David that I was the daughter-in-law in the relationship. He was the first to call her and ask her to come and visit when we hadn’t seen her for a while.

She has also been with us through the roughest of time. She spent a several months with us following the news of the diagnosis. After the news of the reoccurrence she was back to help us. And last year, as the disease progress she was with us through every step until she returned home this summer.

Her presence has also allowed my daughters lots of time with Grandma and they have a close bond. My youngest daughter has spent most of her life with my Mom that she did not realize that Grandma has her own house elsewhere.

My youngest daughter had the roughest time adjusting to Grandma’s summer departure. She missed her so much and seemed to struggle to understand her absence. In fact, she would cry for David, then cry for Grandma.  I tried to enforce that while Daddy is not coming back Grandma will return. What worked best was FaceTime since it provided the reassurance of seeing Grandma’s face. It was so comforting for her to see Grandma on the phone that she never ended the call even as she played the house or until she fell asleep.

When my Mom finally returned, the happiness in my daughter’s eyes were indescribable. They were inseparable. With great joy, she would tell anyone “My Grandma is back”.  She thanked me for bringing her Grandma back. My heart melted as I wondered if she thought I could bring her Dad back and as I imagined the joy she would have to see Daddy again. Knowing that cannot happen is saddening. How I wish David just took a long trip transatlantic and would be coming back soon.

We are so glad Grandma is back, she brings great comfort, she is the homework expert facilitator, chef extraordinaire, and the one that helps ensure my daughter is on time for school regardless of the weather.

Where are they now?

07 Tuesday Oct 2014

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I recall many generous commitments people made as they called to offer their condolences. I remain grateful for all the sentiments and the comments and I am especially grateful for those that continue to check on our well being.

No surprise there are others that I haven’t heard from since then. The only ones that are surprising are those that go into details of the things they would do to help us as we cope with the loss of David and were never to be heard from again.

The one I find most striking was the social worker with the hospice care. She and the nurse were at home with us on that fateful day. Part of the service they provide is bereavement support. Something the social worker seemed very sincere about as she said she would check on me and the kids regularly to see how we are coping and ensure access to services needed to cope with grief. I have not heard from her or the nurse since then.

As I reflect on her absence despite what seemed like a genuine interest in me and the kids at that time. I believe that since people struggle to find the right things to say to someone who has lost a loved one, the alternative is to offer their kindness/commitment. I still do not know what to say to others who have lost a loved one but I am mindful of not making commitments that I cannot keep.

Seeing that the social worker in a profession of dealing with loss and grief did not follow through, it is certainly understandable that it would be much more difficult for others in general to follow through with commitments they make as they try to comfort someone dealing with the loss of a love one.

I have to say that I am truly lucky to have an amazing family, great friends, and a wonderful community that is helping us cope. Some of these people I got to know as a result of David’s passing and I am so touched by their kindness. Thanks for dealing with me, thank you for your care and support.

 

A hard knock life without David

02 Thursday Oct 2014

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Life without David is hard. Very hard, yes we are functioning but it is difficult and it sucks.

It sucks that my daughters have to grow up without their Dad.

It sucks that my daughters have to cry about missing their Dad’s permanent absence.

It sucks that my younger daughter keeps asking for her Dad and he cannot come to her and I cannot console her.

It sucks to hear your child say “my Daddy died”.

It sucks to hear my younger daughter tell me “I want to run away to my Daddy’s house”.

It sucks that I cannot answer that why questions my older daughter wants to know.

  • Why did Daddy have to get sick?
  • Why did he have to die?
  • Why did other Dads get sick and not die?
  • Why will I never get to see him again?

It sucks that my daughter no longer has her Dad to share her dreams with and to share their “secrets”.

It sucks that we have to live without David. It sucks so badly that you are gone.

Cancer sucks!