The last two months have been quite challenging since we have/will experience many firsts without David(my birthday, our anniversary, Mother’s day, Father’s day, David’s birthday, and my Daughter’s birthday) almost back to back. The absence of David for his birthday was the most recent and probably the most challenging mentally.

Unlike our anniversary which was a sad day for just me, David’s birthday was our collective sadness. We cried sporadically for days leading to his birthday and could not decide how to make the most of the day. Previously, I wrote that my daughter asked that we make a “frosting cake” in remembrance of David. She later changed her mind saying she no longer likes frosting. Eventually, we agreed to just make a regular cake with some frosting.

I truly cannot articulate my feelings on David’s birthday – but it was not a good feeling. I also felt a bit anxious and indecisive. It was certainly not “Happy” Birthday. The use of happy was inappropriate in my view. It seemed pointless to make a birthday cake because he wasn’t here to enjoy it. There was no reason to celebrate the day but I also did not want to neglect to recognize that it was his birthday.

When I asked my daughter how she felt about making a cake for Daddy, her eyes lit up with excitement. They were so happy to help. So after dinner, we baked the cake. Baking with the girls was the highlight of the day. It reminded me of what life with David felt like.

Making the frosting was literally “the icing on the cake” my daughters were so happy to see it and smiled radiantly as the licked frosting knowing I was allowing them to indulge. Between the girls eating frosting and me a dropping some we ended up with an almost frostless cake but they were proud of the outcome.

I did not have any desire to sing happy birthday. My older daughter tried and almost immediately, the tears started flowing and we were taking turns crying or consoling each other. We tried to say something about Daddy and again the tears started so we decided to stop everything and just eat cake.

David, life is definitely not the same without you, I miss having you try any cake that I made. Thanks for encouraging me to bake by being my best critic and for finding something nice to say even if the cake had more baking soda than flour.