On Wednesday, I woke up around 2 am and was reflecting on how difficult this month has been for me. I also believed that my sadness was rubbing off on the girls. I was emotionally drained and felt the need to fight back as I said to myself, today is going to be a good day, I am going to choose to be happy.

When I got out bed later that morning I had the  same mindset. I went around that day making this continuos decision to be happy because even in my sadness there is still so much for me to be grateful for. Overall, I had a decent day, so far the best day this month. I stuck to this mindset on Thursday. I was even brave enough to listen to some of our songs. Songs that trigger memories of David and our lives together, they are songs make me cry lately but rather than crying I sang along with a smile as I remembered the good memories.

I believe my children could tell the difference in me over the last two days and they also seemed happier. Last night they gave me one of the happiest moments as my older daughter said “you are turning into Daddy because you make everything fun”. My heart was filled with joy, it was way past bedtime but I could not resist the urge to do something extra fun so I made a late night delight (strawberry with melted chocolate for dipping). Their eyes sparkled with joy as they said thank you, thank you endlessly.  I went to bed a happy Mommy with two very happy girls.

In the tribute I wrote about David for the funeral, I started with a quote that “the happiest people do not have the best of everything, they make the best of everything”. This truly reflected who my husband was, a very happy man. I always gave him due credit for our happy children. I hope that some of his charisma will stick with me and allow me to continue to find how to be happy in the midst of our sadness.

While I was able to choose to be happy, I realize I cannot choose when to be sad. When the sadness comes, it is overpowering and overwhelming. I just hope I have enough courage and hope to get through the sadness.