Monthly Archives: April 2014

Remembering my Daddy – 13 years later

06 Sunday Apr 2014

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Remembering you Daddy, you are unforgettable. You are our rock, your guidance and wisdom helped in shaping who I am today. I always knew not to be fearful or worried because I  knew Daddy would protect us. I tried to ensure that I would always make you proud. I wanted to remain Daddy’s little girl forever. I miss eating your dinner with you, for some reason everything tasted better on your plate, especially rice and fish.

Your death was shocking and devastating to our family. It changed me forever, at times it made me question the purpose of life, a life without you just seemed senseless and other times it made me fearful of living knowing that it could be gone in an instance.

I mourned endlessly, people tried to assure us that time helps. I remembered thinking I just want to sleep and wake up three years later if time helps. At the three year anniversary, I reflected on that thinking and the loss was still incomprehensible  but as a family we learned to be sustained by your sweet memories and navigate life with more determination.

Your death was my first experience with grief, it was debilitating. I went through the shock, the denial, the anger, the emotional roller coaster as I lived in a world that is business as usual, and eventually the acceptance of how to balance coping with your loss with living life without you. I came to terms that you will remain forever young, I will never see you age, you will not be at my wedding, and never meet your grandchildren. In every phase of my life, I celebrate you and was thankful for the meaningful life you had and the one you gave us.

Following the recent passing of my dearest David, old wounds are reopened as I mourn the loss of the two dearest men in my life. There are days that I am crying and it becomes blurred if I am crying about David, you, or both. Your death also helps me understand how my children are/may be dealing with the loss of their Dad. As your memories have sustained me, I pray that the memories of their Dad will also bring them comfort and happiness.

After 13 years, I miss you just like it was yesterday. I love you immensely and never stop thinking about you.

Sincerely,

Your “Chocolate and popcorn” daughter

 

Never coming upstairs again

04 Friday Apr 2014

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As I came upstairs tonight, I was feeling down knowing David is never coming upstairs again. I recognized the sound of his footstep so well. It used to be fast and energetic.

As the disease started taking a toll on David, the speed and energy of his steps also changes. Regardless, I looked forward to hearing his steps as he came upstairs at the end of his workday. In many cases, it indicated the sign of playtime with the girls, pre-dinner snacking, questions about dinner, discussions about the latest gadget on gizmodo and other random conversations.

The sound of David’s steps as he came upstairs was also a predictor of how he was feeling, the slower and longer he took indicated that he was having a rough day. I listen for his steps and was delighted when he could join in the bath time or bedtime routine. I also remained optimistic that his steps will return with its usual energetic and powerful stomps.

I miss looking forward to David’s footsteps, I am sad knowing it is never to be heard again. I am grateful for the girls and the sound of their footsteps. Steps which are relatively powerful especially relative to their sizes. Steps that I hear just in the nick of time to cheer me up.

Failing

03 Thursday Apr 2014

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At times, I feel like I am failing. Failing because I do not have a good handle on the routine of running the household. From being efficient at motherhood to the nuances of the household.

Failing because my children’s routine are almost nonexistence. I struggle to get the girls to sleep at the right time, eat the meal I prepare, and even lack the energy to give them a bath at times. Granted these are some of the struggles parenthood, they just seem compounded without David.

Failing because when I look around the house and see the aftermath of winter. There are things that need to be addressed or fixed that I do not understand. I am sure some are minor but I really have no clue where to start. Is it a minor plumbing issue or do I need a plumber? David would have known, he was so handy and he could fix anything.

David, where are you? You fixed everything. I look at the tools on your workbench and I am even more clueless. I feel like I am failing and I need you to fix that too. Failing is not an option, I know you will never accept that, I have to get through this but how I wish you could fix it.

Missing you more….

Overthinking a cold

01 Tuesday Apr 2014

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Over the last week, the girls were down with the cold, cough, strep throat etc. It put a damper in the plans for their playdates and other activities. Luckily, they were unaware of most of the plans since I have learned to only inform them of things when I am almost certain it will happen to avoid unnecessary disappointments.

I realized that I was a bit anxious when they were not feeling well. While it is completely reasonable to believe it was just a cold or just strep throat, I was overthinking what may be causing it.  Frankly, I used to be a bit paranoid about these situation even before David’s illness but I think that the experience from his illness may have made it worse – overthinking the smallest pain, cough, cold, or bruise.

It turns out I was not thinking alone, when I told my older daughter I was taking her to the Doctor, she was upset about going (she usually looks forward to seeing her Doctor especially for her routine check ups). She proceed to say that “I do not want to end up like Daddy did”. Clearly her fever had generated some concerns for her also.  I explained to her that this was not the case and that there are times we do not feel good however we make quick recoveries. I tried to explain that Daddy’s case was a rare exception, one that we will never have to experience again by God’s grace.

When my younger daughter started running a temperature in the middle of the night, it became apparent that she was missing her Dad.  She went downstairs with my Mom crying and asking that she want her Daddy. I went downstairs to try to soothe her. She was not happy with my response that Daddy is not here. I was sad as I realized that she just wanted the warm and soothing embrace of Daddy to make her feel better.  Thanks to some late night treat (whipped cream and mango) she calmed down and went back to bed.