I refer to 2013 as the bonus year and the practice year.

It was the bonus year considering that the disease was very aggressive and advance at the time of the diagnosis and it was the third year of trying to manage it. As of Feb 2013, one of the Doctors unsolicited said at best he only had a few more months to live.

David fought extra hard to make it through 2013. He did everything to stay alive, tried any treatment and even all sorts of diet and lifestyle modification. Most of all, he withstood a LOT of physical pain. He always said he would keep trying no matter what and he did. His determination got him through all of 2013 against all odds.

I also refer to 2013 as the practice year because I had to start doing many of the household and life routine on my own. However, I was fortunate that David was around to guide me or encourage me. I even had to deal with the contractors we hired to do some work around the house and also get the cars serviced. I avoided such activities in the past because I always felt that they would not take me seriously or worse try to sell me things I did not need. I realized it helped to pretend like I knew what I was talking about with the contractors even if I was clueless.

Regardless of how hard David fought to stay alive, he was also a realist and tried to prepare me for the inevitable. He knew I had no interest in discussing this so it made it more difficult for him and he had to approach preparing me with less direct approaches. He would passively mention things to me about important documents, home maintenance information or the bills. Defensively, I would tell him that I do not need to know since that was his job to handle. I finally agreed to learn how he handled the bills in October.

December 2013 was the only time David and I talked about making plans for his death and he showed me a note he wrote with the expectation that he would live until Dec 2013. He wrote the note in March 2012 following the reoccurrence of the cancer because he said he came to the realization that the cancer was too aggressive and would most certainly lead to his death.

He knew premature death was inevitable regardless of how much I refused to accept and he prepared as best as he could. I later found that he organized things to ensure that I could access things I needed. He showed me how things work in the house and gave me the courage to do Mommy and Daddy duties. David was always a planner and I am sure if I had come to terms with the fact that death was looming, he would have planned even more things.

While it was the most painful year ever, I am so grateful that David hung in and helped me practice what I should be doing when he is no longer around. As bad as things are without him, it would have been far worse if I was left completely unprepared following his death.

This is one of several posts that details our experience with bladder cancer. A concise summary of the overall experience can be found in the blog post titled “breaking the silence”.